Relationship or Friendship?

[Mik]

Hello.

I'm a 23 year old male and have a relationship with a 22 year old guy. It's the first relationship I've ever been in and he is the reason I came out to everyone. Things are going good. We like to be around each other and we like to pleasure each other. We share about 90% of the same interests (which include but are not limited to: hobbies, tv shows, music, movies, cooking, childhood memories).

The only thing that bothers me is that I'm wondering if this really is a love relationship, and not just an intense friendship which I don't dare to lose. I've had a handful of "crushes" (butterflies in your stomach) on guys from school or on tv, but I reckon that's purely based on their looks and attitude since most already had a girlfriend or I knew we couldn't possibly match. With my current (and first) boyfriend I didn't experience that crush. Still, I'm always happy to be around him and he makes me smile and feel safe.

Right now I'm okay with the situation. I see no reason to break up and going back to being single. But I'm still scared that at some point in the future I'll discover that my feelings today were true and that only a friendship-feeling will remain, be it friends who share intimacy with one-another. I'm not saying my doubts should be a reason for breaking up, but I also don't want to give him a wrong impression.


I'd like to know your advice when it comes to my 2 questions:
Do you need to have experienced butterflies (a crush) to know if you have a love-relationship?
Can you be together with someone in a committed relationship, without having a strong feeling of being in love?

[AdamAndWill]

(Adam) I don't know about butterflies, but there needs to be an attraction and some chemistry there. And you can have a committed friendship --- but I think that a long term committed relationship needs to be based on love. And if you don't know whether you have a love relationship or mot, you probably don't.

The best thing you can do is have an honest conversation with your BF about how each of you feels, your expectations, and where you see the relationship going. You're right in feeling that you don't want to give him a wrong impression.
Whether it's a friendship or a love relationship, you can't go wrong with open and honest communication.

[Virge]

The "butterflies" aren't always there for everyone in the beginning. For some the love takes time to evolve or for them either realize or admit to themselves they're feeling it.

I got the "butterflies" on December 27th, 2006 about 11 in the morning over a surfer 30 minutes before I saw him up close and was introduced to him. It took him another 2 years, 3 months and 12 days to want to take us from Friends With Benefits to *attempting* to make something more out of it. Now he's the diztiest and daftest goof ball on earth --- very possessive in a good way and we're getting married July 2015. He's got a terminal case of "butterflies" now and mine still come and go.

There are no rules or dependable indicators like the ones you're looking for because people are so different. When you start making up rules or labels to fit situations just to suit you that have real value all you're doing is setting up expectations and definitions that are totally disconnected from the way things really are.

In other words --- you just have to make it up as you go along, be flexible and don't impose your expectations of a perfect boyfriend on the guy.

And I disagree with Adam about the honest conversation. If you come out and tell him you're crazy in love with before he's ready to accept that and reciprocate it might scare him and chase him away. Timing is everything and the things that aren't said doesn't mean that you're keeping anything secret. You can't really keep something like that a secret because your actions and smiles will give it away --- when he's gotten to the point he can begin to read what's not said as being as important as what is said.

[Mik]

He's got a terminal case of "butterflies" now and mine still come and go.

So I take it it's normal to not feel the same way towards your partner like he does to you? (did that come out right?)

My BF always claims to fall in love the moment he looks me in the eyes, and I can see that in his attitude. I don't have that. I smile and feel happy when I see him but I wouldn't label it as love. Or I just don't recognize it as love, that's also possible.

[Virge]

So I take it it's normal to not feel the same way towards your partner like he does to you? (did that come out right?)

My BF always claims to fall in love the moment he looks me in the eyes, and I can see that in his attitude. I don't have that. I smile and feel happy when I see him but I wouldn't label it as love. Or I just don't recognize it as love, that's also possible.

Everyone is DIFFERENT and anyone who expects others to react to any situation the same way they react to it is really making a big mistake.

Also --- the most devastating and painful experience in our relationship was the night he initiated an "honest talk" and told me I was getting too serious, was too immature, too inexperienced and too young for him --- but we could be friends with benefits. I had to accept that and act like I wasn't in love with him.... and it was hell.

[Maverick]

This is such a difficult one to nail down, it's not "universal" by any means! I think every relationship takes on it's own unique dynamics, due to the individuals involved, AS WELL AS their background and how they were brought up (ex: what they did or did not see/learn from their parents, or the lack of having parents to set/show an example). Tons of "stuff" to take into consideration. So, with that in mind, I'll throw out a couple thoughts.

I believe there needs to be some kind of "spark" in the beginning, some kind of attraction that goes beyond the surface stuff. Now, once you get to know someone, that "spark" can get stronger, or it can get dimmer, depending on how the two of you interact. That spark in the beginning doesn't need to represent a lighting bolt, but enough that you are interested in going further with someone, investing the time and energy to see what develops. I also believe it takes some time to really know if that spark is truly there or not. Often times people don't have the patience to figure it out, and they give up way too soon, which could deprive them of something great.

On the other hand, if that spark or connection (hard to put or express in words what that is) does not grow or maintain, then it's just not there and never will be. Don't beat yourself up over it, we can rationalize all we want about how this person "should" be exactly what we need, but there is something deep inside (or sometimes called that "little voice" inside us) that does not connect, then you have to acknowledge those feelings take appropriate action. Some people are meant to be best friends (and you CAN have more than one best friend) but not meant to be the "soul mate" you're looking for, and it's not the fault of you or the other person involved. It gets more difficult when the other person feels more strongly than you do, and you hate hurting their feelings, but in the long run you are doing them a favor.

All in all I'd say just give this some time and see how you feel at a later date (and don't be rushed into making a decision). I hope what I've said makes some sense, I'm one of those "hopeless romantics" so my judgement may be a tad bit skewed....