advise required, is it wrong my boyfriend watches porn? And I kick off at him

[meridannight]

when did all this actually start? was your relationship like this from the get go? and have you always had sex so rarely? or is this something that developed over time?

it's important because if it was like this from the start, then i would agree with the viewpoint that he is not ready for an exclusive relationship.

however, if this is something that took time to develop, with the fact that you admit your own insecurities, it could also be that your questioning and doubts were slowly grinding him down and he's got to a point where he is frustrated about that and that's why he is looking to alternative outlets.

i don't know. i see both as viable explanations.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My Grandmother used to tell my grandfather that she didn't care where he got his appetite as long as he ate at home.

She understood that men have eyes and urges. So she didn't mind too much that granddad looked.

Porn viewing is pretty much just looking. So in my mind it ain't the big deal here, the important thing. Stripping guys you see in the real world is typical of the male species, most (not all) do this sort of thing... its instinctual.... they can't help it.

What is important is having dating apps, hook-up apps and all of this secrecy to maintain what is essentially a way to meet up with guys to cheat.

These are the serious warning signs that he isn't serious about monogamy.

He has suggested I go to counsiling as in my past relationships I've been cheated on so I find it difficult to trust!

Well this is a clue to several potentials...

1. We tend to date out 'type'... and typically we are attracted to characteristics and behaviors that attend certain tendencies. For instance, victims of abuse tend to find themselves falling for abusers - not because they like abuse but that the abuser tends to have secondary characteristics which are appealing.

In your case, I suspect that you are attracted to personality stuff that is connected with cheater behaviors. Most likely positive stuff, or would be positive if the cheating wasn't attached.

2. Yes you need therapy, you need to be able to distinguish what is important and key to being a problem, and what is not. You also need to be able to distinguish between 'real' symptoms of potential cheating and imagined ones since you have been betrayed you are always seeing betrayal in everything.

3. The correct counter to his 'you need therapy' is to say 'Well I want couples counseling' - thus getting him and you both to a therapist.


Frankly, I think that he is doing more than just looking. I suspect that you already know on a gut level there is more going on and you are trying to find the right clues to go on. So yeah, a therapist may be able to help you weed through the data you have to make a logical judgment call and weigh the options available to you to deal with stuff.

[Flustrated]

Thank you guys, I really appreciate your advise here!
I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm shouting myself down each time I find something that he's done, a message an app.
And no I'm not snooping.

Thanks again, maybe I'll give the counselling a try and then at least I can say I tried everything possible )

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I hope you do the counseling thing. I put off counseling for too many many years, and that only complicated my 'issues' to make the therapists I have seen have to work harder and longer with me to achieve our goals.

The sooner you nip this in the bud, the better.

[Flustrated]

Thank you great advise Bowyn very appreciated [emoji4]