Lying to you....

[Steve]

This is my experience, for what its worth.

In 1980 when Mark was introduced to me by a mutual friend, we dated for months before we started a sexual relationship. It wasn't a courtship in Victorian England, it was simply the way our relationship unfolded. Each of us filled in the basic outlines about our lives to the other, i.e. who are parents were, where we had lived, important events in our lives, what we were looking forward to in the future, etc.

I didn't learn about the abuse both he and his sister lived with at the hands of his obsessively religious parents until later in our relationship. I certainly didn't hear the details concerning the lengths Mark's sister went, upon turning age and leaving home, to completely horrify their parents out of spite for the abuse she endured while growing up.

We're not talking about a cousin an aunt or uncle, this was my partner's family: mom, dad, and sister. These parts of his life were so embedded in shadow he didn't talk about them with anyone.

Details didn't emerge when we were dating. The ugliness people hide in their lives isn't something one shares while dating unless it directly affects the relationship. Some details hurt too much, invoke too much shame, to casually admit them to people who may or may not become an integral part of one's life.

By the time we became intimate we knew much more about each other, mostly because we knew our relationship had legs. Details became important then, but we weren't afraid to bare ourselves to one another anymore. We didn't stop learning things about each other for years. Hell, he sometimes still surprises the shit out of me.

EDIT: Mark's sister, who is no longer with us, was a remarkable women. She was very intelligent and excelled at teaching lessons to people who talked out of both sides of their mouths. She was an effective advocate for abused and neglected animals all her life. I wasn't my intention to paint her with ugly colors.

[Anocxu]

A lie is a lie...
No matter how when and where you dress it up .. it is still deception

There are alternatives to dishonesty.
"I will fill you in when I am more comfortable "

"It's some family business that I have to present to you properly "

When you lie to a person you hold in high regards or high standing it sends an awful message.

When I find myself in a position where I lie..

The next question that follows.. "How long before this individual finds out"?
Or
"That was disrespectful "

Your life .. your story... your information. .
Sometimes its ok to say..
"Not now"
Or.
"I dont want to talk about it".

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If the person you are dating happen to lie about the details of one of his family members (out of embarrassment) and you found out the truth,
will you be angry with him and consider him not trustworthy or faithful?

PS: But he was truthful about himself , his past relationships, his career etc...

My mother was an unwell woman, born with out a maternal instinct and diagnosed as psychopath. She was also involved with a cult, what is commonly called a 'satanic cult' and I being her offspring that she didn't adopt out (the others she did), ended up being dragged through hell and treated with a vast number of abuses which I still won't fully admit to nor detail to anyone, including the therapists I have seen over the past couple decades.

I have told so many lies about my mother and who she was to a lot of people. I still do not tell the full truth to many, I only say 'mother was not a well woman' and leave it at that.

It is how I deal with that relationship, how I have survived her and her insanities. Its not until around age 40 that I started being a bit more honest and open about my mother, and letting people like my last ex (of 14 years) in on what my mother was like.... Mind I didn't actually tell him until the 12th year of our relationship - and we lived together for 12 years with my silence being firmly set.

So I fully and completely understand the need to lie about a member of ones family - after all for many people its the only thing that makes sleep possible, or some sort of happiness in life possible.

Everybody lies. Sure most likes ain't big ones, but everyone lies. We lie to other and more importantly we lie to self. We tell lies to insure survival, to make life a bit easier. Reality is harsh, reality is cruel, and without the buffer of lying I suspect humanity would have gone extinct as everyone would have killed themselves dealing with truths all the time.

Let him slide on the 'reality' he chooses to present for this family member. Its most likely a way that makes life easier for him to live.