Hello, new to GaySpeak here. I'm having some issues trusting my boyfriend. I'll start by explaining a bit about us. We've been together almost 4 years, have both had mixed schedules, and we do activities regularly when we do get time together. We don't see other people, we tried an open relationship and it began to stress both of us so we ended that.
The main issue I've been having lately is I work 3rd shift 11-7am, and I have been for over 2 years now. He works 2nd and on other days has college in the morning. So normally when I've been at work, he has been home watching porn before sleeping. We've had the discussion about there is no need to hide it because I know he does it. We've also discussed him not doing his business the night before he has a day off and I can spend the whole next day with him. Lately he has been doing his business the night before and then I ask him later after I wake up if he did anything the night before, he's lied before and said no, even when he had. Now he has moved up a bit and said he did but didn't "finish" for me. That ended up being lies too, and it's right to my face.
I've since called him out on it then he realized he was caught and told me we could do it later in the day anyway. When we do though it seems like he's not totally motivated or is just doing it for me but out of guilt. So I don't feel it's romantic or passionate, and I feel like I can't trust him to tell me the truth. I even told him is rather know the truth than have him lie. During our open relationship he saw one of his friend from college and became friend with benefits with him, and with all this now, I asked him back then if he had ever gotten any of the "benefits" and he told me no. I'm not not even sure if that was the truth either.
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The lying thing is something that would bother me as well so my advice.....
When I need to address something like that...I try really hard to make sure I haven't contributed to the dynamics at hand....
Some possible examples...passive/aggressive behavior...guilt trips....control issues...ect, ect....
...and once I see my role in it then it is easier to have any conversation.
Good Luck
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(Adam) OK, I'm trying to sort this out and what it sounds like is that he would apparently rather jerk off to porn than have sex with you? And if he jerks off at night, he can't summon up much energy/enthusiasm for you the next day? And he had a FWB, but didn't get any benefits?
And...he lies to you.
I agree with East, you need to give a lot of thought to the situation and figure out what your role is, what you need from the relationship that you're not getting , and what you're willing or unwilling to settle for. And then , have an honest conversation with him that hopefully won't include a rush to cast blame.
For me, personally, lying is a deal breaker. And I wouldn't be too thrilled with the sex (or lack thereof) either.
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You're correct, there is some trust issues here. He is not leveling with you about what he really feels for you. You're asking him to not "do it" the night before so he is ready for you the next day? He's in his early 20's. He should be able to "do it" the night before and still be ready and raring to go the next day. I know people have different sex drives, but if this is really the case with him, he might want to discuss this with his doctor to make sure everything is okay. I suspect that is not the case, however, as he seems to have no problem with masturbating and watching porn, so he does have a sex drive. East and Adam have already discussed some possibilities, another possibility is that there might just not be sexual attraction to you. I'm not trying to be insensitive or making a judgment on you because you might be the most handsome dude out there, but it happens.
Whatever it is, you've got to discuss it with him and find out why he is not being honest and upfront with you, which brings up another problem I see here, I sense from your post that you are not a clear communicator. Your post is difficult to figure out and involves a lot of piecing together and even making some assumptions. You seem to beat around the bush instead of just saying what you actually mean. I think on sensitive issues you might be saying a lot words, but not coming out and expressing what you really mean.
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Adam gave you fabulous advice. I'd add that this situation needs to be handled ASAP. The longer this problem drags on the more the discontent between the two of you piles up. Instead of waiting longer for this to blow up into a full fledged fight, nip it in the bud and discuss the problem now.
It's easy to fall into bad patterns, and bad habits, in a relationship. Relationship maintenance begins with a discussion centered around compromise - what you both need to make the situation tenable. Sexual needs change over the years and flexibility is a key component in a relationship. Just make sure the compromises are things you can live with.
And his lies must stop. Even if he's just embarrassed about finding porn easier than physical sex, he needs to be honest about that.
If he's hooking up with an old friend it isn't an automatic "deal breaker" for me, although it might be if he's not having safe sex. The main problem for me starts when he isn't honest about what he's doing. When trust dies, a relationship dies. I don't expect people to be perfect, just honest. Those kind of discussions may hurt emotionally, but relationships that don't experience some hurt don't grow very well either. The hope is that the "hurt" isn't fatal. That honesty happens. That compromise is afoot.
People who may become addicted to porn often feel the sexual release is less complicated than negotiating sex with a partner. Maybe you both just need to add some spice to the physical part of your relationship. Find out what he likes when he watches porn, no matter how embarrassed it makes he feel. He may be hiding something he finds erotic that you wouldn't believe he could possibly like. Guys looking for something different often turn to something exotic...kink of some kind. And admitting that can be embarrassing as hell to a partner. Maybe he's scared to trust you... Rejection from a long term partner over a new sexual kink can hurt a lot.
Try some simple mutual masturbation, pointing out what you think is hot in what you see in porn. The trick in getting a new cat to get along with an old cat in the home is getting them to play with one another. You do that by establishing trust between them first. No one attacks each other. Some cats like feathers, some plain old cardboard boxes. 
Find the middle ground. Sometimes I like to think of my partnership to Mark as a long term negotiation between two people who love each other. The trick is to never stop trusting that he will reject me because I find something new I want to try sexually or in day to day life. We talk. We trust. And we find compromise that works for both of us. And we stick to that treatise until the cogs and gears that make us work together need attention again. Sometimes those mechanisms need a lot of oil (pun intended).
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Sexual Anorexia is a possibility.
Quote:Sexual anorexia is a pathological loss of "appetite" for romantic-sexual interaction, often the result of a fear of intimacy to the point that the person has severe anxiety surrounding sexual activity and emotional aspects (i.e. an intimate relationship).
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_anorexia
Mind most sexual anorexics can masturbate to porn, and stuff, but they cannot or will-not have sex with another person. It is the human factor, the intimacy that is problematic for them. Some can do anonymous sex, but sex with people they have to interact with (FWB, partner) is difficult to impossible for them.
Then there is self esteem issues. Has he gained a few pounds? If so his loathing of sex may be more loathing about exposing his new 'fat' body at you... This ties in with fear of rejection, fear of failure, performance anxiety and all sorts of interesting (not so) fun things. Lost a job, stopped school? any number of minor blows to confidence can blow self esteem totally out of the water.
Even something as simple as not getting it up once can do interesting long term things to a guys confidence, leading to him pulling away from sex out of fear that he has lost his man-hood and will have a repeat failure.
As others have pointed out there are other potentials, and there are even more here which no one has listed (yet).
Couples therapy is most likely in order. Me thinks there is a lot more going on here than just his unwillingness to have sex with you.
For instance your inability to say masturbate or jack off... "doing his business" that usually refers to bathroom stuff (pooping - number two).
If you are unable to talk about sex and use the correct terms, I have to wonder if you have sent the message that you are a bit to puritanical for intimacy with him, thus he has sought other ways to scratch his itch.
A therapist will be better able to get to the bottom of the problem, talking with both of you as a couple and as individuals (private sessions) in order to get a good idea where you both are at.
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Thank you guys for all the advice, sorry for some of the confusion of this post. It was my first post on here so I wasn't sure of how open I could be with terminology, (i.e. saying doing his business instead of masturbating). I'm relatively good at communicating with him about sex, but when I do he just gets this glazed over look and just nods every so often. I'm was just a bit unsure of my limitations of what I could post, I've pulled a lot of advice from all of you and thank you again. Also posting from mobile so I was a bit sloppy, but overall the lies must stop. If they don't maybe our relationship will have to.
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Varyn Wrote:Thank you guys for all the advice, sorry for some of the confusion of this post. It was my first post on here so I wasn't sure of how open I could be with terminology, (i.e. saying doing his business instead of masturbating). I'm relatively good at communicating with him about sex, but when I do he just gets this glazed over look and just nods every so often. I'm was just a bit unsure of my limitations of what I could post, I've pulled a lot of advice from all of you and thank you again. Also posting from mobile so I was a bit sloppy, but overall the lies must stop. If they don't maybe our relationship will have to.
Will: It's fine, I got what you were saying, even though I had to smile because every time Adam puts our little one on the potty, he says, OK, it's time to do your business...
But seriously, you're right --- the lies have to stop. You deserve honesty. And the sexual thing concerns me - if I had to choose between masturbating to porn or sex with my partner - well damn, that's a no-brainer! And as for not being ready the next morning if he does it the night before...??
You need to make clear to him that all of this needs to be discussed honestly and resolved. As difficult and painful as that may be, the status quo is obviously not working for you - and really, you deserve better. I hope it goes well, keep us updated...
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