Very confused

[fiji]

This may be a lot to ask of you all, because I may be asking too much, but here it goes...

I am a 23 year old female, living straight mostly my whole life. I have had a few TERRIBLE relationships, like physically & emotionally abusive. The relationships that were normal just never seemed to go anywhere. I always ended things because I felt fearful whenever things became sexual. It's like i froze up and lost all attraction. This feeling is so awful, I mean I'm sure my partner felt like crap too. It's such a bad feeling that I prefer to be single. However I do want a relationship & crave intimacy, but it has crossed my mind that I may be a lesbian.

Occasionally I'll meet a girl who basically captivates me. I become really interested and want to get to know her. What makes me really think I may be a lesbian is how happy/excited nervous I get. Back in high school I did have a huge crush on a girl. We secretly dated but nothing really happened.. I was a freshman and she was a Senior. Once she graduated we drifted. I just think back to that sometimes... because I was really into her. I had no fear of intimacy.. or a notion that she's using me.. or has a secret motive.

The confusing part is I have met guys who have made me feel like this, but once sex became involved I just froze up and it became a huge problem, which has resulted in failed relationships. I'm trying to figure out if I am a lesbian or my bad experiences with men have caused me to fear sex with them? I have been to a therapist for the bad experiences but I find it hard to talk about being a lesbian or bi-sexual with him.

Thank you so much for reading. What do you think is going on?.. or is there anyone whose been through this or is going through the same thing?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I am a survivor of abuse. Both childhood and domestic.

There were a couple of times I seriously thought about switching teams just to improve my chances of not meeting of those men again.... Those men being abusive. This goes beyond the two women who I had a crush on - both lesbians... So those were definitely no go situations. :biggrin:

It is not too uncommon for survivors of abusive relationships to go seeking comfort in the arms of the opposite gender. It does tend to happen more with women - largely because women will act on it and actually talk about their feelings.

Yes you may be bisexual... using a high school experience to determine ones sexuality may not be the best idea. Teens go do go through stages and many do get the random crush on the opposite gender than they would later identify as being mate material. Meaning gays will fall into straight crushes, straights will fall into gay crushes.

Since you have a therapist, I would strongly urge you to bring this up with him. That is what he is there for and why he is paid the big bucks.

As for the lack of interest in sex, that could be caused by any number of things.... And it may be a symptom of just intimacy issues, not sexual orientation. Many people connect sex with a partner as being a crossing of an important line, while we can manage friendship and companionship, when sex comes into the picture it makes the relationship all too real.

[Steve]

^^^Great post and advice Bowyn.

You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your therapist. You will not get the guidance you need holding back on questions.

Personally I've loved women. And I can perform if need be. But it isn't my favorite ice cream flavor at all. I would suggest you meet some nice woman, and try lesbianism. If you don't like it, say stop, or no, this isn't going to work for me.

As a matter of fact, you should always be able to say stop if you need to stop. Keep some mace handy if someone refuses to listen to you, but abuse in the bedroom, taking away your power of choice, is a strict not-going-to-happen scenario. Listen to your therapist and please be honest with him about questions you may have. He/she is not going to judge you, they're there to help you sort through you feelings. There is no shame in being curious.

[AlohaShannon]

Fiji, listen to Bowyn Aerrow, he is very wise, especially with this response. The only thing I could possibly add is if you aren't comfortable opening up about your sexuality issues with your therapist then it may not be a bad idea to find a new one. If you have issues with men to begin with, maybe a female therapist would be more advantageous for you.

Good luck!

[Gideon]

I would say to stop worrying so much about the labels(what am I?) and concentrate more on the connections. Don't let gender be an issue so much as if that person appeals to you on both an emotional and physical level.

Sex with men may be intimidating for you or uncomfortable, but if you haven't yet tried it, you can't be sure that sex with a woman is going to work out any differently, yeah? Maybe it's just that you have a fear of intimacy, worry of being hurt and because your relationships have basically been heterosexual in nature, you see the male gender as the issue?

You obviously are attracted to both, so keep your options open and maybe explore a little more what exactly is triggering this fear of yours.

[Borg69]

I am a 23 year old female, I have had a few TERRIBLE relationships, like physically & emotionally abusive. The relationships that were normal just never seemed to go anywhere.

Let's talk about THIS... ^^^

You're 'only' 23, and (most of) your relationships were bad... except the 'normal' ones... that never went anywhere... !?!?!?

This would lead me to believe that psychologically for some reason you're seeking out the bad relationships, and see the 'normal' ones as bad/boring.

Girl... you're sabotaging yourself. You need to do some soul searching and figure out why it is you're doing that.

Maybe you don't like males.
Maybe you think you don't deserve a healthy relationship.
Maybe you're trying to fix your father.
Maybe you think you can't do any better and just accept whatever takes you.

I don't know... but YOU need to figure it out... SOON.

[fiji]

You're 'only' 23, and (most of) your relationships were bad... except the 'normal' ones... that never went anywhere... !?!?!?

This would lead me to believe that psychologically for some reason you're seeking out the bad relationships, and see the 'normal' ones as bad/boring.

I think I worded that wrong. The "normal" ones pretty much happened after all of the "bad" ones. I was very interested in having a normal relationship, but taking the next step has been a struggle for me. Actually more recently I've had the "normal" relationship experience, with really good guys. These relationships ended mostly because when it came to intimacy my partner felt rejected. I mean I perfectly understand why they felt that way, it's just I freeze up and suddenly become either fearful or just lose all desire. It's like I enjoy their company, I find them attractive, but once sex starts to become involved I just feel uninterested.

With the one girl I was with in high school.. yeah nothing came of it because we were in high school , but I never felt the fear or sudden lack of interest when things became intimate. Like I felt comfortable, but Bowyn is right about teen phases... it's just I keep thinking... if I never experienced the bad abusive relationships would I still be having this lack of interest in men in a sexual way, or if this is a result of what happened.

I also have grown up in a very strict Catholic home, who are very against homosexuality. At a young age I was taught that it is unnatural and gross, but as I got older I became more and more interested in the LGBT community. I even was a very active member in a LGBT Ally organization on my college campus.

Thanks everyone for responding. I'm taking everything in and rethinking some things.

[LJay]

It is good that you are trying to work through this. Stating your thoughts here may help to sort them before you talk directly with a therapist, but you should try for the counseling. If you are not comfortable dealing with your present therapist regarding this topic, you can always go to another. You could serch for one through a pulic health agency, anLGBT group or clinic, or in other ways like personal references.

The fact that you have had unsatisfactory relationships is not unusual. Almost no one just starts off at this and wins every time.

Good luck with your searching and feel free to stop by here to talk. It's a good place.

[discreetserpent]

i would say you probably have bisexual tendencies, based on the info you provided. the main problem would be your willingness to be intimate with the other ladies. you probably need therapy as a last resort, but why don't you try to let go of your inhibitions and GO FOR IT?