I need to get this out in the open. (LONG POST)

[lostinlove]

~~ATTENTION~~
Please, do not reply with hate. I want to be able to speak freely. If you can not say something nice, please do not say anything.
~~THANK-YOU~~

I am a gay male in University and I'm in a long-distance relationship with the most amazing guy I have ever met and he makes me so happy and I feel a connection with him I've never felt in anyone else and I can not imagine my life without him; and when we're together, he's the entire world to me. When we're together, I feel great: I'm happy, I'm calm, I don't feel scared for my future; however, when we're apart there's all kinds of problems.

Last year, while I was away for university, I cheated on him... repeatedly. I wish I understood why I cheated, I wish I knew what I was thinking and worst of all I wish I would have told him after the first time because he would have left me and I would have gotten what I deserved.

But I didn't tell him. I lied to him repeatedly, saying that I would never cheat, that I would never do anything to hurt him...

So when he found out that I had cheated, the world came to a stop. I was back with him. I was stranded two states away from "home"--a relative term since I had been kicked-out of my parents' house--and I had hurt the man I loved. The one thing I NEVER wanted to do, I did.

And I became a pathetic excuse for a human and I begged him not to leave me. And he didn't leave me but things were never the same.

Eventually, I returned to University and I tried to live my life, however hard it may have been with the stress of classes and having a boyfriend who could not trust me. I did okay until one day I made the mistake of messaging one of the guys I cheated with.

I had messaged him because I wanted to tell him that I had cheated on my boyfriend with him and that I wanted him to forget about me. Why I couldn't have said that in a message, I do not quite know. Instead, I met with him, went to his house and stayed the night. I woke in the middle of the night to him touching me. I didn't know what to do. I was scared. I realized what I had done and I laid there unable to speak as he began to do more than touch me.

It wasn't until he had finished having sex with me that I began to cry. I had a panic attack as the thought of losing my boyfriend came back into my mind and I began to blame myself for everything that had happened--and it was my fault as far as I could see it--regardless, I knew the damage was done and I was afraid that I was going to lose my boyfriend for real this time.

I never went anywhere near another guy after that. When I saw my boyfriend over the summer he eventually learned of what happened over the spring and once again I cried and begged and became all kinds of awful and when I stand back and observe who I had become from a third-party view I think only of how much I would want to be rid of such a pathetic being... Yet as I am said pathetic being I can sympathize with him and see how different these people are: the one who cheated and the one who begged.

I am glad to say that as the summer progressed our relationship was overall not too outwardly strained; however, I know that internally my boyfriend was constantly thinking "When" as in, "When will he cheat again?"

I am ashamed of the person I have become. I wish my boyfriend would have left me last winter--that way I wouldn't have had to see how hurt he was. That way I wouldn't have been such a weight on him. And even recently we have come so very close to breaking-up. But every time we get close to breaking up I become selfish and plead for him to stay because I know I love him. I know I love him and that I will never be able to love anyone as much as I love him. And I know he loves me because despite the fact he has told me how much pain I have put him through he never leaves me.

Sometimes, I think I'm holding him back. I feel like he stays out of obligation. That he stays because he doesn't want to lose the feeling of being in love. Sometimes, I feel like he actually hates me and that he stays out of spite.

Yet, I still believe that he loves me as much as I love him.

Which finally brings me to the entire point of why I started this post.

I have only "dated" four guys before my current boyfriend. Only one of them I knew in person and even he was more of a long-distance relationship. All my previous relationships ended within a month. All my previous relationships ended when they broke-up with me. All my "relationships" left me feeling miserable. I met my current boyfriend before my third boyfriend--the only one I ever met in person. My current boyfriend was always there for me to talk to when my boyfriend of the time had managed to make me cry myself to sleep.

When I finally started dating my current boyfriend, I felt like I never wanted to leave him. That he was meant to be mine and I was meant to be his. I was only 18 at the time and now I'm 20--to be so sure of something and to dream of a permanent relationship at this age is quite ridiculous! Especially when I had never had any kind of a social life--let alone a love life--during the years preceding. Yet, I can not imagine loving anyone else the way I love him.

The issue is, a part of me wishes that I would have been able to experience "dating" more. A part of me wants the feelings of uncertainty, the adrenaline rush of talking to a cute guy for the first time, to feel a lust for another guy without thinking primarily of love and marriage--there is a part of me that wants to be single.

However, the majority of me wants nothing to do with that. The majority of me remembers the feeling of loneliness that never went away; remembers how it felt to be single and [virtually] homeless; remembers the pain of unrequited love; remembers the feelings of hurt and betrayal when someone I felt I loved wanted nothing more from me but sex and affection. The majority of me never wants to relive the feeling of searching for someone who will love me.

But the conflict between the part and the majority is painful for me and it's ever present in my mind--that feeling of "what are you missing-out on?" And while I wish that I could stop my mind I know I can't and that's why I've come here.

I'm lost and confused and I need support.

I want to stay in my relationship. I don't want an open relationship, I want to learn how to be more committed.

I want to learn how to help the wounds I caused in the past to heal.

Also, I want to know how to handle a REALLY long-distance relationship; because in a little over a year, I'll be living in Spain for a semester and I won't have the opportunity to visit my boyfriend for a week after the first eight weeks are over like I can right now.

I need help.

Please.

Sincerely,
LostinLove

[lauj]

To be honest, I read half of your story and I will continue it tomorrow. I'm pretty drunk right now, just got back from my friend's bachelor party. But since I didn't see anyone else reply I wanted to let you know that I do care about your story so I wanted to comment on it when I'm sober enough to give you some advice or feedback. or maybe someone will beat me to it.

[LJay]

You are very good at narrative writing. Congratulations.

A long distance relationship at age 20 is very, very difficult and perhaps impossible. You need to sit down with your boyfriend IN PERSON and work on this. If you are unable to work it out so that you can both be happy, perhaps with an open relationship, then admit it and try to part in a gentlemanly way.

Be realistic. hand wringing will get you nowhere.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The issue is, a part of me wishes that I would have been able to experience "dating" more.

And you are....

I know that internally my boyfriend was constantly thinking "When" as in, "When will he cheat again?"

And a lot more often than you may guess. Along with an internal struggle to not see everything as a sign and symptom of repeated cheating - even the most innocent things you can do will be viewed with suspicion. Betrayal of trust ranks up there with murder in the damage it does to the person betrayed. Perhaps more so, at least with death a person get the peace of the grave.

(sigh).

I had messaged him because I wanted to tell him that I had cheated on my boyfriend with him and that I wanted him to forget about me. Why I couldn't have said that in a message, I do not quite know. Instead, I met with him, went to his house and stayed the night. I woke in the middle of the night to him touching me. I didn't know what to do.

Anything I say to address this will come off as either mean or judgmental or something negative.

In fact just about every other aspect of your post is a conundrum on how to answer it without coming off as mean, judgmental, hater, whatever...

But that has never stopped me from using the blunt instrument of truth - let the body parts fall where they may and I sally forth and push forward here....

I suggest you reread that last quoted bit and try to put yourself outside of yourself and imagine your disbelief that a person didn't know what they were about when they contacted and ex fling and decided that going to their place, spending the night and clearly not telling the guy between meeting, and going to the place and bed time 'Oh look, the reason why I wanted to see you was to tell you I used you to cheat on my BF and I can't see you anymore'

For had you, I find it difficult to believe that that night would have ended the way it did.


You have issues, sorry.... There is a past here which you only hinted at (being kicked out of home, being virtually homeless)... which these hints are sounding a lot like your 'love' for your BF is more about love of having a reliable roof over your head not real love....

If you don't believe what is sounds like, then go back and read what you wrote and try to put yourself in the third person.

If anyone else wrote these things, what would be your gut reaction?


My only suggestion for a real fix here is for you to find a professional therapist to start working on what it is underlying all this stuff. Since you said several times you do not know, then its clear you need to figure out what it is.

I fear that once your BF gets wind that there is a repeat 'offense' here that its not going to end well. He may, most likely, make a couple three choices for you.

Whilst you may not be able to salvage this realtionship, you can improve your odds of not making these sorts of mistakes again - IF and ONLY if you work out what it is that you are really doing and the motivation of it all.

I have my suspicions, but I think a therapist is the best route for you.

[Cuddly]

What do you want the most? A boyfriend or meaningless sex?

You've already chosen meaningless sex, but cried your way out of the consequences. I hope he doesn't continue to tolerate this...

Seriously, how hard is it to keep it in your pants? If your lust is uncontrolable then masturbate!
As for the long distance, the same trick applies! Masturbate!

[Anocxu]

I think you should stay single for a while just to sort yourself out...

[Lycanthropist]

First of all, thank you for making a legible post. I didn't believe you when you said it was going to be long. You were right.

I agree with Bowyn in that you need professional help. Your boyfriend is a saint for taking you back twice. I was cheated on in a previous relationship. Even when presented with evidence in his own words, he would not admit to it. It's amazing how quickly my heart can turn to stone when I'm wronged. Tears would not move me at all. I suspect one of the reasons he took you back was that he may have seen the potential for a lot of emotional drama and didn't want to deal with that shit. I know I wouldn't.

I fail to see why you cheated on him if you love him as you professed?

Anything else I write would just be a duplication of Bowyn's post, so I shall stop here. Go see a professional, and quit hurting the one you say you love. Also read Cuddly's post too. Very sage advice there.

[Virge]

You are very good at narrative writing. Congratulations.

A long distance relationship at age 20 is very, very difficult and perhaps impossible. You need to sit down with your boyfriend IN PERSON and work on this. If you are unable to work it out so that you can both be happy, perhaps with an open relationship, then admit it and try to part in a gentlemanly way.

Be realistic. hand wringing will get you nowhere.

GEE LJay
I sure needed your advice back in 2007 when I was still 19 and and met a guy I be flying 8200 miles to see 3 or 4 times a year for the next seven years. My life would be so much simpler now. hahahahahahaha. Now I can't get rid of the jerk! He's crazier about me now that I was about him when I was 19. He's giving up his life in a city of 2 million to come live with me in a town of 1500. He beats on me, calls me bad names and hogs the covers and pushed me off my warm spot in the bed. If I'd known it was "perhaps impossible" I'd have never done it!!!!

okay Lostinlove..
let's get the ugly stuff out of the way first and let me tell you what I learned re-inventing the wheel and doing a REAL long distance relationship... like 16 time zones worth of it. And things I've learned now I'm all grown up..... hahahahaha!

#1. You F*cked Up.
Do you want to understand why?
When you get done reading this go to youtube and do a search for "The Teenage Brain Explained" It explains in simple English how men up to age 20 ARE INCAPABLE of making decisions with the rational but not fully developed frontal lobes of their brains and make decisions based in impulses more than on common sense. I didn't know that when I met my Man (the second I'd been with) and looking back I can see I was making decisions based totally on impulses except my impulses pushed me the opposite direction you took. Instead of having sex with other guys my impulses pushed me into become the best and most persistent damned stalker in the history of obsessive crushy teen history.

My Man was a few years younger and real smart... I mean off the charts smart. He was real nice to me but set boundaries. All we were going to be was friends with benefits, no strings attached. He wanted me to date other guys --- and he was going to do the same. My choices were A: Agree to the boundaries B: Break it off with him and throw a fit. C: Say that I agreed just to appease him and keep on doing what I was doing and start doing it better in order to impress him.

Which sounds like what a 20 year old would do?
I turned into the best friend with benefits in the history of meaningless sex. I lied to him on a regular basis and even had my best friend lie to him about all the guys I was seeing back at home. ---- I did it just to keep my Man happy so he'd be excited about me flying 8200 miles just to *supposedly* f*ck his brains out for a week.

The downside to this was ugly. My stories of the imaginary guys I was supposedly screwing made him feel real comfortable about telling me about all the guys he was REALLY doing it with. I had to put up with that for three years and act like it didn't bother me. The only good thing about it was that he opened up to me a lot more than he would have otherwise. I began to see the deep parts of his personality --- and once that happened I was more hot for him that before. On my visits to see him he wanted to further my sex education and introduced me to three ways and fourways. That was totally out of my wheelhouse BUT... I had to go along with it... and I stumbled up on a way to stop them and make him think it was his idea. He started getting jealous when he'd see me enjoying sex with others more than with him... so I poured it on.... deep.

I'm telling you all that so you'll get some idea of not being the only one who has done crap based on impulses so stop beating yourself up about it. You're not a bad person it's just a brain thing and the only cure for it is time.

#2. Damage control and rebuilding
There are no guarantees and to be honest I believe the odds are against it because you screwed up in the very beginning and set an unattainable goal of monogamy that you couldn't keep. Your actions destroyed that special trust that your impulsive brain could not live up to. Now you feel like a flea turd because of it. Makes perfect sense to me. I hurt for ya! I Really do.

Putting things back together means YOU need to pull your act together and take control and responsibility for the entire situation. Put the impulsive part of your brain on a short leash, get your guy alone for at least 48 hours and TALK. Don't turn on a TV, computer or a cellphone. If someone comes to the door to visit tell them you have Ebola and don't feel good. It's you, your guy and the issues. Keep the emotions out of it (those are impulses) Keep it all calm, honest, and even take notes if you want. Don't even undress or change clothes the whole time. Fall asleep together talking, wake up and start talking. Work on building the friendship and the trust. Don't beg. Don't even use the word "please." Show you are strong, determined and sincere. Be ready to make some huge changes and sacrifices because you can't get from where you are to where you want to go without a butt load of them. BUT there's something funny that I've found out about sacrifices ----- when you give up something for a relationship you ALWAYS end up finding something that means a hell of a lot more than what you gave up.

Here's an example.
I live in an area where there's still enough gold and gems to be found to make a pretty good living if you're willing to work hard. I was doing it when I was ten and making money! I started school for a degree in mining/geology and thought I had a wide open future. When My Man and I started getting *really serious* my career plans were going to never work with his. I saw that and talked to him about it. He's the smartie! I was getting ready to buy a house and he suggested I buy a huge house because in my town there's no hotel, motel OR a bed and breakfast after a little bit of investigating and LOTS of planning (his specialty) we came up with a plan that was amazing! Since there are almost no gays in this area he suggested I make the bed and breakfast exclusively for gays and not even advertise it to the general public but strictly to gays through their organizations websites. So in tourist season I have tons of gay people to hang out with!!! Guess what???? I LOVE IT! It's not even like work to me. It's a huge success! I'm already about half booked for next year and we're building on to increase it from a 8 occupancy to 22.

and my dumb butt was going to go out year round in snow and rain to dig holes for the rest of my life. Now I'm going through the last year to get a degree I will probably never use. Also thanks to my man's planning abilities and my crazy Ideas we've come up with three other money making ventures and soon doing another one --- all but one of them I can do from home. That one requires travel.....and once he moves here we intend to ride the roads every chance we get!!!!

Another thing that he and I are really big on is that we approach our relationship as the boss and we're just employees of the relationship. WE have to work to keep the boss happy. What the relationship wants or needs always comes first. >>> example. He was talking /begging/pleading for me to mess up all my plans to fly 8200 miles to see him and go to Gay Pride where he lives on Sept 20th. Finally I broke down and said I'd do it. The next morning I woke up with a total new outlook. I got his butt on Skype and all I had to say was, "are you sure I'd be coming for the relationship or for you?" That settled that and he was fine about it except he's horny LOL. He can wait until December when he moves here!

Gee I've written about as much as you did!
There's lots more to tell you but all this will get you started on the right road.
I wish you luck man!

[Anocxu]

Still dumbstruck about about the part where you had to tell your fuckbud face to face that you had a boyfriend ...no more sex!.... and still had sex with him anyway. ..

Why not just block his calls?... or text... Goodbye!!

You are a such a twisted comprehensive character... ..

DISCLAIMER!
EVERYONE! !!

I'm about to reveal how I destroyed the heart of another! !!
Don't be mean.. <---really?

Not sure if you understand the concept of actions VS. reactions.

The way you tried to control your boyfriend's reaction after all that cheating is the same way you're trying to control the reaction of this thread...
Tells me you're a bit of a deviant sociopath who is not ready for change.

Keeping a man and maintaining a relationship are two different things.

Honestly. . What makes you think you should 'share' your life with others?
What do you have to offer?

[Bhp91126]

Hey Lost, I think meme has given you a lot of great advice already, mine won't be as pretty or long. I have a couple of random observations/questions for you that I think could help you.

Being in a 2 year relationship at 20 seems like an incredible achievement to me, so congrats. Being in a relationship takes work and unfortunately there aren't any manuals out there to tell you what to do, when and how, so you are bound to screw up occasionally. Don't beat yourself up over mistakes you made, instead acknowledge them, take responsibility and learn from them, so you don't do them again.

Are you in love with him or are you in love with having a boyfriend? You mentioned that your folks kicked you out, so is this desire to hold onto this relationship just so you can feel safe and secure? Being in love with someone means to me that you want to make that person happy. What are you doing to make him happy? What does he get from this relationship?