Unsure of LGBTQ meet ups?

[Virge]

Now to answer the OP....... another WOLF.
All we need is a few vampires and we can make a movie saga... geeez.

Here's my own experience with fear and dread like you're experiencing. I'm almost 27, been out almost 8 years and to this day if I am driving to a gay bar alone and intending to enter it alone I experience full blown anxiety to the point of feeling physically ill and I usually have to pull over and vomit my guts up. That's a pretty crappy thing for me to have to admit after having spent four years in the US marine corps. The few, the proud, the pukers. OORAH!!!!

I fight it but it still happens on the rare occasions I get to go to a gay bar alone. The reason I fight it is I know it's just my own mind messing with me and once I get inside I'll find out there was nothing to dread and I'll have a good time.

Sure I've run into people I knew. I've never had a bad experience because of it. Most times it's made for a nice situation where I have someone to talk to right off and the conversations always start off funny no matter who starts them.... if you keep your sense of humor. By the way if you don't wear a sense of humor to any gay function you've broken the dress code.

All the dread and anxiety you're putting yourself through about this is just your insecurities screwing with you. You can either fight them and see how ridiculous they are once you've made the step inside or you can let yourself be a slave to your irrational fears.

What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

[Cuddly]

Well...

You should go! If it becomes an issue, just be honest to yourself and them. I know you wrote you're not sure what's going on with your sexuality, but I'll tell you this anyway: coming out was the best thing I ever did, for myself.

[skWolf]

If you bump in to someone you know at one of these events, what are they doing there. You really don't owe anyone an explanation. If you have to offer anything, just say you're having a bit of a difficult time meeting people, and you're trying to exhaust all avenues.

Keep in mind that no matter what you do or become in life, people are going to talk about you. It doesn't matter if they actually know you or not, they will talk.

Good luck however you decide.

Well, the acquaintances I know are gay, and out, so it wouldn't be too surprising they are there, it's just that they probably now assume I'm gay too, and it may spread. Really, thanks for this though! I guess that is a great way to frame it in case I do bump into someone I know, to say I have a difficult time meeting people and trying to exhaust all avenues.

Should you care what others think... of course not. But, easier said than done, I understand.

Your situation is really quite interesting. I wouldn't want to tell you to go, only for you to go and then see someone you were hoping not to see and have it all end up ruining your life. On the other hand, if you did go and didn't happen to see anyone you're afraid of seeing, I guarantee you'd have a great time.

You wrote this because you want to go... then just fuckin' go. You're gonna die one day, no sense in depriving yourself of some happiness.

You're absolutely right, inside I really do want to go, and not have this fear, I just had to put it in words, and put it out there, it's a process for me, haha, but all these positive and encouraging responses are pushing me towards going! I still have time to decide, but I'm feeling bit by bit better about this.

It's a tough decision, man. You just have to decide if the appeal of meeting these people and having that opportunity is worth the risk of being outed as at -least- open minded if not curious. And you don't have to admit to anything. As was already stated..you don't owe anyone an explanation.

For me, my situation is actually quite interesting, let's just say, I've had "experiences" with guys (who are gay and out), and I guess in THAT group of people, they all assume I'm gay, but I never knew them very well anyways, and haven't talked to any of them in over a year, so since they are really not part of my social circles, I'm not too concerned, although I did feel like I took a step back from that because I distanced myself after a few weeks, maybe at the time, I was really not ready to be even "friends" with them cause I'd be outed simply by association, haha, which is the same reason I'm concerned this time by going to these types of events!

But you're right, I guess I can say, I'm just open minded, which I am, and most people shouldn't have a problem with that I guess...

Now to answer the OP....... another WOLF.
All we need is a few vampires and we can make a movie saga... geeez.

Here's my own experience with fear and dread like you're experiencing. I'm almost 27, been out almost 8 years and to this day if I am driving to a gay bar alone and intending to enter it alone I experience full blown anxiety to the point of feeling physically ill and I usually have to pull over and vomit my guts up. That's a pretty crappy thing for me to have to admit after having spent four years in the US marine corps. The few, the proud, the pukers. OORAH!!!!

I fight it but it still happens on the rare occasions I get to go to a gay bar alone. The reason I fight it is I know it's just my own mind messing with me and once I get inside I'll find out there was nothing to dread and I'll have a good time.

Sure I've run into people I knew. I've never had a bad experience because of it. Most times it's made for a nice situation where I have someone to talk to right off and the conversations always start off funny no matter who starts them.... if you keep your sense of humor. By the way if you don't wear a sense of humor to any gay function you've broken the dress code.

All the dread and anxiety you're putting yourself through about this is just your insecurities screwing with you. You can either fight them and see how ridiculous they are once you've made the step inside or you can let yourself be a slave to your irrational fears.

What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

Haha, to quote Kelly Clarkson! You're cool dude, and I'm up to make another twilight saga with wolves and vampires! haha

But thanks for sharing about your story about going to a gay bar alone, it's inspiring! And you're absolutely right about my insecurities screwing with me, I guess I just needed someone to tell me that point blank haha

Thanks to everyone else who has posted/will post, I read through each one in depth, and all your responses are very much appreciated! More and more, I'm feeling a bit better about potentially going to this meet and greet!

[Camfer]

The only way to learn to swim is to get in the pool.

How do you really know what these people already think about you? For all I know, they think you're a closeted gay guy. What's the difference if they think you're a closeted gay guy or a questioning, not much out guy?

For most people, coming out is to themselves. People who are close to you either already know, or know and are in complete denial of it. People who are more distant don't really even think about your sexuality. You might think you are the greatest genius at hiding your attractions. You might be the rare one who is so suppressed that no one knows, but odds are against that.

You're 24 in Canada in the 21st century. It is probably very safe for you to be a semi-out, questioning guy. I encourage you to live your life to its fullest and make changes whenever necessary. When you are confident in yourself, you worry less what others think. Best of luck on your explorations!

[Virge]

The only way to learn to swim is to get in the pool.

That's excellent advice I got a few times before I grew up and became a serious and reliable adult .... hahahahhaha! The way you say it doesn't have "brain glue." It doesn't stick in anyone's head and that's what I try to do with solid advice that I pass on to other....

So the Virgilized version of your advice is....
[SIZE="5"]"You can lead a horse to water,
But you can't make him drink.
But if you push his stubborn ass in he'll learn to swim",[/SIZE]

Now try to forget that. hahahhahahahaha!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

There is the common problem for straight people with LGBT friends to be accused of being one of 'those people'.

Even if a straight person just says 'hey, stop the bashing' suddenly they are gay.

It something that comes with the territory.

Yes, the gossip mill forever turns milling the horror stories of a trillion souls a minute.... Its a human pastime which if it was punishable by death we would all be executed.

I bet there is a heap load of juicy gossip about you already, it hasn't come back to your ears (yet) but its already there.

Part of life is about meeting it on its terms. Sorry life is not nice, it is not very fair and yes there will be hell to pay for coming out, or staying in, or doing something, or doing nothing... There is always some payment due for everything.

Whilst I understand the fear and dread and all of that, you need to overcome it, face it, and figure out when you had enough of appeasing all others and doing what makes you content with you.

Not everyone is going to like it - and those who don't like what makes you content ought not be in your life.... So knowing their real feelings about you makes the whole 'who do I associate with?' problem a lot easier.

[skWolf]

There is the common problem for straight people with LGBT friends to be accused of being one of 'those people'.

Even if a straight person just says 'hey, stop the bashing' suddenly they are gay.

It something that comes with the territory.

Yes, the gossip mill forever turns milling the horror stories of a trillion souls a minute.... Its a human pastime which if it was punishable by death we would all be executed.

I bet there is a heap load of juicy gossip about you already, it hasn't come back to your ears (yet) but its already there.

Part of life is about meeting it on its terms. Sorry life is not nice, it is not very fair and yes there will be hell to pay for coming out, or staying in, or doing something, or doing nothing... There is always some payment due for everything.

Whilst I understand the fear and dread and all of that, you need to overcome it, face it, and figure out when you had enough of appeasing all others and doing what makes you content with you.

Not everyone is going to like it - and those who don't like what makes you content ought not be in your life.... So knowing their real feelings about you makes the whole 'who do I associate with?' problem a lot easier.

Haha, about the juicy gossip... I have had a friend 1 on 1 ask me if I was gay.... cause people have been talking, of course I denied it, but I know rumors and swirling out there.

[Virge]

T
Yes, the gossip mill forever turns milling the horror stories of a trillion souls a minute.... Its a human pastime which if it was punishable by death we would all be executed.

I love people who gossip. hahahahhaha! Well, I love them since I learned how useful they are because they gossip and how easy it is to say nothing and make them think you confirmed or denied whatever gossip about yourself they tell you is going around. My favorite 2 ways of diffusing gossip about me are #1. Laugh and then say, " that silly crap has been going around for years! I can't believe you're just now hearing it. You must not get out much." or #2. Laugh and say, "I heard about that yesterday at the store. Except I heard you were the one spreading it."

Either way it shuts them up and I've confirmed or denied nothing.

[Borg69]

You can speculate all you want on what it's going to be like, what's going to happen, and how horrible it MIGHT end up... OR... you could grow a pair and go check it out for yourself a couple times and give it a fair trial and see for yourself that it's not as horrible as you think it's going to be.



Some of my best life experiences were forcing myself to do things I was nervous/apprehensive about. Even the ones that didn't turn out GREAT, was still a good learning experience that I would survive... even if I didn't think I would have before hand.

[Steve]

So, I'm currently in a situation where I really not out to anyone, in fact, I don't even know myself exactly what I am at this point, but there are opportunities coming up soon for LGBTQ people to meet up at my school, just to get to know each other since school is just starting, so it's sort of like a beginning of the year meet and greet event.

Sometimes I'm good at blunt, but I'll try to be gentle. Truth be told.
You've told us you're not out to anyone. In this day and age that means you think you're gay, or at least bisexual. An LGBTQ meet and greet wouldn't even be on your radar if you didn't want to know more.

I have always wanted to meet and make some good gay/bi friends, but am apprehensive about going to these meetings in danger of bumping into someone I know, and also be assumed gay simply by association or attending these events.

Are you going to allow fear to dictate how you live your life?

It's difficult even now for me to write about this here, and I guess one of the reasons I am so paranoid about this, is because potentially there WILL be acquaintances that are gay who know me, and there is a very high chance that they will be at these events, and I'm just worried about how this might spread rumors about me and the fall out from this. It's tough cause I'm not ready for anyone else to know that I'm in a questioning phase... but at the same time, I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this.

Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours. The choice in front of you is as scary as walking off a cliff: Do you want to tell the truth or lie about yourself for the rest of your life? The positive answer is tell the truth. The negative answer is lie. If you allow fear to rule your life, then wait for the next event. My question would be, "How long are you going to wait before you begin your life?" Living in a "wait and see" mode can become a way of life. And a way to keep hiding. You will never know anything about yourself if you're too afraid to ask the tough questions.

I know this isn't even really a question, but I just need some advice, or someone to talk to/discuss this, and whether I should even go or not, or what is holding me back, and whether I should even care about what others think. It's easy to say, don't care about what others think, but it's much easier said than done, sorry for the long post, but any thoughts, comments, advice, or support would be greatly appreciated!

It is a question. You're afraid and are asking permission to do what you want to do, but are afraid of doing. I think you already know what to do, otherwise you wouldn't be in such pain. What you are facing is the same fear almost every LGBTQ person feels when risking telling the truth. Living as a gay man is often frightening. The first step -to admit it- is the worst. It may get easier after telling the truth and it may not. Welcome to life in the real world. It's a big terrifying place if you let it be. It's an incredible adventure if you conquer your fear. Be smart, but say yes more often than you say no.
You can always come to this forum for support and advice. As you've read, people here do care about you. As brusque as I may seem, I care about you. I wouldn't have replied to your post if I didn't.
Others may tell you that they can't decide for you. I'm a little different in that regard. I want you to push yourself to have the best life you possibly can. Choose to be positive. Choose to tell the truth. Don't wait to start living your life. You won't discover your sexuality, or much of anything about yourself without risking the consequences, asking the questions, telling the truth. Show up at your life. Its ok to be afraid. You wouldn't be human if you weren't sometimes afraid. Fear can be a healthy thing. It is a part of learning. But don't live there.

Haha, about the juicy gossip... I have had a friend 1 on 1 ask me if I was gay.... cause people have been talking, of course I denied it, but I know rumors and swirling out there.

It has been said in other responses to your post: People are going to talk about you, whether you want them to or not. I'll be even more honest, good or bad, people will think of you any way they want, no matter what you do, no matter what you say. Denying rumors isn't going to stop gossip. Virge had good advice concerning rumors.

-quote credited to Virge
My favorite 2 ways of diffusing gossip about me are #1. Laugh and then say, " that silly crap has been going around for years! I can't believe you're just now hearing it. You must not get out much." or #2. Laugh and say, "I heard about that yesterday at the store. Except I heard you were the one spreading it."

In order to shut down as many rumors as possible (you can't stop them all) you must deflect attention away from yourself. Virge's first tactic was to, defuse the validity of the rumor and then belittle the rumor monger. His second tactic is to push the rumor away from himself and on to the person telling it. In either case, he laughs both times. By laughing he's telling people that he doesn't take what anyone else says seriously. Confidence is the most useful tool in denial or lying. Frankly, from the tone of your post confidence isn't your strong suit.
If a friend is asking you if you're gay and you know there are rumors about you, denying the rumors unsuccessfully will only fuel more rumors. Soon people will employ the age old logic, where there is smoke, there is fire. At the point people, friend or foe, begin to doubt your word, you will have lost a measure of their respect as well.

I have, no holds barred, told you what to do. The choice is yours. I hope I have given you some things to think about.

-Steve