My Frustration

[Kjlemere]

Hello friends!

It has been a while since my last post so I wanted to update everybody on my life. Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated!

It has been 4 months that I've been living on greenwood Mississippi and I am starting to get used to it. I miss Texas, especially the freedom I had to express myself in college. I find it interesting that I never knew how free I was until I came to Mississippi where my identity is heavily suppressed in order to live happily. I am not out to any of my administration, nor am I out to my kids that I teach. I made this decision for my own safety and well-being. There are a lot of homophobic people in this small town, and I just felt it best to keep this part of my identity secret.

Anyway, the reason I am posting is because I have met a guy. We have been talking for about 3 months now and the relationship talks have begun. He lives in Jackson which is about 2 hours away and he has a job that only gives him one day off and that day off is usually on a weekday. As a teacher, I only have my weekends so I try to drive up every weekend to see him. He lives with his dad who he is not out to so he gets a hotel for us to stay in for the night. I keep pushing the subject of a relationship because I feel that if we are having sex, we should be in a relationship, but every time I bring it up, there is hesitation. He broke up with his ex in May and he feels he is not ready to be in a relationship. He also admitted to me that he is scared to get hurt and the distance sucks (which it does). I really like this guy, but I don't want to force him into a relationship. I want him to be invested in the relationship just as much as I am, and since he is not ready, we have continued whatever it is we have at the moment. I hate playing the waiting game, and my eagerness to be in a relationship is partly because I've only been in one and it was terrible so I am ready to settle down with somebody else. He on the other hand has been in many relationships, so his hesitation is somewhat understandable when contrasting my eagerness due to my lack of relationships.

I understand where this guy is coming from, but how long do I wait? Do I move on because he will never be as invested as I am? Or will it eventually get to that point? Thanks for taking the time to ready this!

Peace and love!

[meridannight]

do you think two guys can't have a meaningful and strong connection with each other without it being called a ''relationship''? if you like him, and he likes you back, if you both want to be with each other, then what does it matter how you officially name the thing?

the way i see it, you are already in some sort of relationship with each other. every week you drive to another town to see the other. you share your life, history....neither of you appears to see it as just a short-term fling thing. call it what you will, you are seeing each other. don't worry about the official naming status. the most important thing, after all, is the connection between you. not how you name the connection.

it's not a waiting game. there is no clock ticking anywhere that shows you when it's time to call it a relationship or quits. the only clock is your artificial one. let him take things at his pace. yours might be a little faster than his on the official commitment status, but that's a minor desynchronization.

[Gideon]

I think it all depends on -your- perception. On what you're wanting and needing, yeah?

If he's not interested in a relationship, is that a deal breaker for you? Are you willing to give up what you do have just because he's not ready for the same level of emotional commitment that you are?

These are things only you can answer, man.

Good luck.

[Virge]

Hi again Kyle.

I have some insight into this and hope some of what I say will help you. I was in about the same dang situation you're in now back in 2006 - 2009..... I did things the way they shouldn't be done according to all the professional advice.... and it turned out good. What I did was pull the extra brain out of my dick and glued my hearts whiney ass mouth shut and put my brain to work.

(at this point everyone else in GS is going "oh no! Not another story about Virge and Jay's early drama!)

Jay has been in relationships. I'd been with one man one time before him. I was 5 days short of being 20. He was 23. He liked me but said I still had a lot of growing to do, needed to date around and not think of him and I as being more than NSA FWBs. I didn't have a vote in this. I had to nod my head and act like I was going along with it... but all the time I was keeping notes and doing the brain work to win out. Oh... and he'd only been broken up with a BF a few weeks when he and I met.

I stopped acting like anything but a Friend with benefits. I lied to him about all the guys I was seeing at home which backfired on me. That made him feel comfortable telling me about all the ones he was dating and I KNEW he wasn't lying. He didn't get jealous like I hoped. Time for Next plan....

Then I started doing everything I could -- without being pushy --- to be everything I possibly could to him... so that HE wouldn't want to be with anyone else... That didn't work real great but... I kept that up... and then plan three came in.

I started becoming the type of guy he liked... (like I wasn't already! hahahhaa!) I got into college headed to a great degree, great grades and making me a future so bright I had to wear shades! hahahaha. Making my future.... I went to Jay for advice ---- and the advice he gave was DEAD ON and amazing.... I'm still living on the business model he originally drew up and was able to quit my "real job" just a few weeks ago... and not even missing the $38,K plus benefits. So we were getting closer. We were at the point we could talk about anything and did. I was also making sure he wasn't going to get what he was getting in bed from me with anyone on this planet..hahahaha!

Then one day he and I were chatting on cam and he was just staring at me as I was talking. I asked what was wrong. He said words TOLD me things were headed in the right direction....

"It just dawned on me .... you've, changed. You've grown up and I missed it or you did it overnight."

All that shit I was doing to impress him???? Come to find out that was what he was talking about. The only thing was I'd lost track of doing it to impress him and I was doing it naturally....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I'm getting at is ......... dont push the issue, leave it alone and nod when he tells you what the limits are. Don't do things to test his limits ...... do things to make him step past his limits to get to you. Make him think it's all HIS IDEA to take each baby step he's comfortable with... Watch for him to become a little bit possessive and don't discourage it or even say anything about it at first.... just keep yourself a progress log in your head!!!

You probably can use some polishing up in the meantime. Do like I did and try to become indispensible to him and the 'perfect man'.... and then maybe he'll do have that moment like Jay had when he saw the changes in me and started taking some big baby steps trying to get closer and closer to me.

[Wardo94]

He still needs his time for healing, it seems like. I'm going through somewhat of a similar situation. It sucks to wait, but trust me, you don't want to rush him into a decision. He can't be committed to someone else while he's trying to patch up someone else from the past. It'll only ruin what you guys have. If you don't feel comfortable, doing sexual stuff, without the title, then you should talk to him about it. If you really like him, all you guys can do for now, is take it slow and kinda' just have a "thing" going on until he feels ready to knock it up a notch. What you have to do is ask yourself if he's worth the wait for you. That's literally all it comes down to. There's no eraser to help him with his healing or and fast forward button. If you truly don't feel like waiting for too long, then the best you can do, is set out your feelings on the table for him, and tell him where you stand. Show him that you can't wait forever, but you'll still be there for him, when he feels like he's ready to start something.. Sorry if this sounds all confusing! Good luck with everything, though

[Bluelight]

Honestly this doesn't really sound fair to you. It just seems like too much trouble for something that most likely won't lead anywhere. I personally wouldn't pursue it, I'd rather be lonely than invest that much of my time and energy in a two hour drive for sex accompanied by feelings that won't be reciprocated.

[Borg69]

Reading your OP, it sounds to me like you want a relationship with this guy for the wrong reasons...

Because you're having sex. Because your last relationship was bad. Because you have limited relationships. Perhaps because you're in a more isolated area and need a gay connection.

These aren't the things real relationships should be based on. ^^^^

Love. Respect. Trust. Friendship. Devotion. Communication. Understanding. Compromise. Commitment. Loyalty.

You've said nothing about any of these things.

What you seek with this guy is a forced fantasy out of insecurity. And I fear one that is doomed to not have a happy ending. You're good looking, smart, and stronger than you think. Find that guy that's right for you instead of fabricating a Prince Charming to rescue you.

[Kjlemere]

Thanks so much for the feedback! Let me try to address some things that are on my mind currently.

The first point that Meridan made (thanks for reading!) i think that my traditional roots are coming out and I'd ideally like to have a title because i feel like if we having sex, we should be at least exclusive to each other, and being in a relationship helps the exclusivity to a point (I would hope) on the other hand, forcing him into something could just cause him to resent me in the future, and that's not something I want. Thanks for your input! I do appreciate it!

Hi Virge! Your posts are so well thought out and sincere, thanks for taking the time to write, think, and read this post! There are a lot of things that I want to touch on with your post. First things first, I'm not even the guy I want to be yet. I'm have so many insecurities and realistic things I want to change for myself, but does this guy know that? Of course not, because I act confident in front of him. Should I be trying to pursue a relationship? Probably not because I'm still figuring myself out and I have yet to find the love for myself that everybody in a relationship seems have (yes, I envy those people!) I can't help the feelings I have now and I don't want to let go of Trent in order to pursue a greater call to myself. Can't I pursue both at the same time? Am I reaching for the stars here? Thanks again for your advice!

Hi Borg! Thanks so much for your feedback! I have put great thought into what you said. All of those things are essential to the foundation of starting a relationship. If I think about it, do Trent and I have some of those traits? Absolutely! But do we have all of them? Not at all. I have strong feelings for him, and I would love the idea of a relationship with him, but I can't force it. I'm just kind of bummed that I have wasted this time thinking that it was going to be something when we first started doing this stuff. Thanks so much for your feedback and advice!

[Virge]

Hi again Kyle!
I got done with my morning run, sat down with a cup of coffee and l logged in to find your cheerful words!

Something you said hit one something I need to give a quick word about. You said, "First things first, I'm not even the guy I want to be yet. I'm have so many insecurities and realistic things I want to change for myself, but does this guy know that?"

Here's words to live by........ I mean around the clock 365 days a year..... do it and you'll really be glad....
If you are not the person YOU want to spend the rest of your life with you have no right to expect anyone to do it for you.

Instead of concentrating on finding the perfect person for you, work to become the perfect person you're imagining. Once you start doing that people are going to be lining up to try to do it with you.

Improve and change the only person you can >> YOURSELF. accept all the others just as they are and don't expect them to live up to your expectations. That way you'll be constantly surprised, seldom disappointed and highly appreciative of the changes you see in them.

Have I told everyone how much I love my Jayman? Oh.. I just wanted to be sure I had. Forget it if you've heard it too much already. hahahhahahahahahahhahaha!

[jasonkirk]

Hello friends!

It has been a while since my last post so I wanted to update everybody on my life. Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated!

It has been 4 months that I've been living on greenwood Mississippi and I am starting to get used to it. I miss Texas, especially the freedom I had to express myself in college. I find it interesting that I never knew how free I was until I came to Mississippi where my identity is heavily suppressed in order to live happily. I am not out to any of my administration, nor am I out to my kids that I teach. I made this decision for my own safety and well-being. There are a lot of homophobic people in this small town, and I just felt it best to keep this part of my identity secret.

Anyway, the reason I am posting is because I have met a guy. We have been talking for about 3 months now and the relationship talks have begun. He lives in Jackson which is about 2 hours away and he has a job that only gives him one day off and that day off is usually on a weekday. As a teacher, I only have my weekends so I try to drive up every weekend to see him. He lives with his dad who he is not out to so he gets a hotel for us to stay in for the night. I keep pushing the subject of a relationship because I feel that if we are having sex, we should be in a relationship, but every time I bring it up, there is hesitation. He broke up with his ex in May and he feels he is not ready to be in a relationship. He also admitted to me that he is scared to get hurt and the distance sucks (which it does). I really like this guy, but I don't want to force him into a relationship. I want him to be invested in the relationship just as much as I am, and since he is not ready, we have continued whatever it is we have at the moment. I hate playing the waiting game, and my eagerness to be in a relationship is partly because I've only been in one and it was terrible so I am ready to settle down with somebody else. He on the other hand has been in many relationships, so his hesitation is somewhat understandable when contrasting my eagerness due to my lack of relationships.

I understand where this guy is coming from, but how long do I wait? Do I move on because he will never be as invested as I am? Or will it eventually get to that point? Thanks for taking the time to ready this!

Peace and love!

hi you have a situation here my advice because of the distance and hes not ready for a relationship its frastrating from your side its better if you only remain distand friends and try to find someone near you to starrt a new relationship good luck take care