I would love to be in a relationship with another guy and what not but I feel like its weird that I am looked at by bears and what ever that I am either a cub or a bear when I am really not. I love the masculinity of guys like that but I am not attracted to heavy set guys. I mean I have a gut but its not that big but I also have a beard but that is because I consider myself a mountain man because where I am living right now is at 9,700 feet above sea level and that is the lifestyle that I live and I love growing a beard.
Why is it assumed that because you have a beard that you are either a bear or a cub when you are not? I just get frustrated with that way of thinking and I really want to date a guy but I don't really want a relationship with a bear, just don't and to be honest I don't want to have a boyfriend that has a beard either and I really don't know why. I see couples that look like each other and I really dont want that. Sorry perhaps I am just venting and its really not a question at all.
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I can't tell from your rant if you are talking about your gay spa experience or some online dating site/app.
At a bath house you will get approached by any and everyone. There's no "why" involved beyond guys looking for sex. If you're not interested, just give a big friendly smile and say, "No thank you," or just smile and move away.
If it's online, you are much better off stating what you DO want and not writing up a list of what you DON'T want. Listing all the attributes you don't want makes you look like a jerk. If you state what you're looking for, guys who fit that might contact you. Sure you will still get hit on by plenty of guys that don't interest you, that's life.
Finally, do try to keep an open mind when meeting people. You might surprise yourself on who you actually like. My BF is nothing like my preconceived imaginings of what he would look like. We are so happy together.
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its pigeonholing people as its what we humans are unfortunately good at, you'll have to firmly tell the next guy you meet that your no bear and see if anything happens still, he may just be making assumptions about you and still be interested
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I think it is just part of how people work, fitting the world into nice compartments for ease of filing.
I think the old, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, then its a duck parallel works here.
Most gay guys who look like bears, act like bears, walk like bears consider themselves bears.
So its to be expected that the assumption is that you are a bear if you look like one.
Myself, I have always had a problem with the label myself. While yes a bearish type of guy is what I am attracted to it always feels odd to me to label a person as a bear - or for that matter anything at all.
Perhaps the problem is you don't like labels, and you are constantly meeting people who do?
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Maybe it's self perception being off?
Let me throw this out there...
When I first came out, I was probably what would be considered more of a "twink"... or a Twink-Nerd. LOL My self perception kind of locked in at that stage, even though I'm FAR from anything that can be considered a twink NOW.
If I had to be pigeon holed into a category today, "bear" might be the closest one that applies? I've certainly grown more hair and gained weight since I was in my 20's. If I'd have started out a 'bear' back then hearing it now wouldn't be a big deal, but hearing it now with my self image still stuck erroneously in my 20's self image, I'd cringe a little if someone called me that now.
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It's not really making an assumption about what you are into, it's about you having the look they are attracted to. They got the hots for you. Many took on that look and became part of the bear culture because that is what they are attracted to and they figured the best way to find someone was to take on the look themselves. A bearded, mountain man look is what many in the bear culture are attracted to. If you were a gym-bunny muscle jock, you would find yourself attracting a lot of other muscle jocks when you went out, whether or not that was the look you were into yourself. It's just the way it is. How often do you see a biker chick married to or dating a J. Crew preppy dude? Almost never.
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Honestly I have nothing against bears and cubs and all that stuff. Its just funny cause the first time that I went to a club years ago when I actually grew a beard I went to a club that I always normally go to and the people that used to hit on me didn't recognize me or say a word to me because I wasn't clean cut and they weren't attracted to the beard and I would be hit on by bears or guys that were into other guys that had beards, I just found it strange to be honest.
Then a couple months later I shaved it off and went out and those guys that ignored me showed interest but the bears didn't so it was just a trip to see that reaction from both groups. I mean I didn't grow the beard for either group, I grew the beard because I love having facial hair and its just me. I live in the Rocky Mountains at an elevation of 9,700 feet and its just me and who I am. I rarely go to gay clubs or bars these days anyway but its just strange that just cause of some facial hair you get different reactions.
If I do end up finding a guy that wants to be with me the beard will have to be part of it cause I will always have one cause its just part of me. If that means certain guys are not going to talk to me because of it then so be it. I guess it doesn't hurt to be considered a bear or a cub but I am just not into guys that are bears, I guess I should have said that from the get go. I am not sure why I am not but I know that I am not into them, lol
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Why do guys assume?
...we had a couple doorman who were bears and I ended up being 1000x tougher than they were and I had to take care of the bad problems when they were there...and they were very emotional .....
