College,boyfriends, and different ideals

[MoonLemon]

What's up forum! Gosh, I haven't been active at all since I moved into my first year of college. I must say its been amazing and I'm so perfectly happy here.

Well, as it turns out, I met a guy who is pretty damn cool. We are already labeling each other boyfriends. (quick, yeah...). I don't even know if that's the right label right now, but I'm going to go with it to simply my expression.

I just have a small issue with the circumstance, and would like a couple thoughts on the topic.

First of all, this guy is completely different from the type of guy I'm used to. He's dirty blond, skinny, and not very hairy. I've only really dated guys who were dark haired, a little chunky, and hairy. Which is okay!... but... for whatever reason, my sexual libido is not super charged in his direction like a new love interest usually does to me. Initially (like 2 weeks ago), it was there. But it's already waning (my want to even just cuddle, too). I'm not sure if that's him or just a change in myself. I've also had a little bit of a cold, which makes me super not cuddly. I scrolled down my tumblr today and saw a pic of some dark haired model without a shirt on and I got this refreshing "ahhhh" moment. That was followed by a "shit, that's not a good sign." Maybe I'm not into this guy as sexually as I initially thought. Then a small part of me wants to go see my old FWB back home (who is still a good friend of mine). I would never go to him while committed to my boyfriend (and frankly, my old FWB wouldn't let me, haha). It's just the fact that my boyfriend may not be what I look for sexually. Sex is an important part of a relationship. I'm holding on to the fact I have a cold and am really not thinking about sex ANYWAY.

Second of all, I'm a little scared he's in over his head. He's actually from Romania (moved here a month ago). So he's been in the closet until he came here. He's never had a boyfriend, and I think he's gone into the "teenage super in love" phase for me . Meanwhile, I'm interested in getting to know him a lot better and I care for him. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him, but I think it's healthy to develop that over time in the way that best friends care about each other. It's all part of the "dating phase" of figuring a love interest out. Also just in general, it's really hard for him to express caring/ loving feelings in English! Right now I'm going with the flow, seeing what happens each day.

Third, he's a little overbearing. I want some space, which is hard on a college campus that's a bit isolated. I think it's better NOT to see each other every day in the initial stages. I'm happy that I feel wholesome without him, but I'm scared he wouldn't. He loves saying "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" and all the jazz, which makes me feel 15 again (oops, lol). He's also super PDA oriented (I think it's a European thing?). I mean that's fine, our college is very accepting of all forms of diversity. I could easily tell him to tone that down, but I figured I should say as much as the situation as I can.

Let's look at positives. I really enjoy talking to him, we share a sense of humor (i have a really, well, offbeat and strange sense of humor. So it's one of the first things I gauge in a person). I feel comfortable enough to be my crazy self. I like his friends, he likes mine. I enjoy spending time with him. I want to know so much about him and learn all I can! It's just... damn. The kid REALLY likes me.

Right now I find it fair to keep dating, find out more about him. Is this more of an "abort mission" situation? Or am I being 7 and overanxious?

Thanks, ya'll!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

(sigh)....

You may have heard us old people grumble "Youth! Wasted on the Young!" or 'If I knew back then what I knew now.....' I fear this is one of those situations and I can't even begin to shove 30 years of experience into a summery of human nature, love, relationships, blah.

May I point out that you are still very much a teenager yourself?

he's gone into the "teenage super in love" phase for me

From where I sit that's kind of ironic, or something... I don't know, the pot calling the kettle black?

Another aspect to this is that hearts remain relatively youthful and immortal.... A lot of old people (you know 25-30) still feel this way, and people who are really, really ancient such as myself (45+ years of age) are completely young at heart and act and behave like teenagers when love sneaks up behinds us an proceeds to bash our brains in.

Next: Type and reality.

I have a type. My first 4 lovers were that type. Each lasted a rather short period of time, #2 ended up lasting only 11 months, well longer if we include the 6 months of stalking which ended with a minor hospital stay for me. On average those relationships lasted on average 2 years. If we press the issue, #1 went to prison for Murder, #2 stalked me and beat the crap out of me, #3 ended up breaking my heart...and my arm.... #4 went to the store and was never heard from again.

My last relationship (14 years and some change) was with a guy so totally opposite my 'type' and that was a nice quiet relationship that had relatively very little bad in it for most of that time.

A lot of people who break away from their 'type' usually discover that their 'type' really isn't well suited for a real relationship for them.

In your case you are all about the looks of your potential partner. Trust me, way up here in ancient territory I assure you looks fade, bodies sag, get fat, wrinkle... and for men hair color changes, either grey, white or transparent (bald). Most men get more body hair the older they get (yay!)....

What matters, really matters is the personality and character. These aspects of people usually remain relatively stable (barring accident, trauma, and terrible people breaking their heart constantly).

Love:

Love is never enough.

Period.

[Virge]

There are going to be older guys with more experience who'll come on and give you their advice about all this. So don't take what I say into consideration until you read what they say. They're probably sick of me giving this same advice but it applies to you and your BF the same way it did when I was your ages.... and going through that first boyfriend drama.

Lucky for me and him both, he was a little older and more experienced than I was, not to mention he's smarter than just about anyone I've ever met. After I started getting to pushy and impulsive he sat me down for a long talk to explain what he knew from studying psychology. The big thing was that humans teens and young adults don't have the fully developed frontal lobe of the their brains. That's the part responsible for making rational decisions. This is more true for teen boys and men in their early 20s than for girls. Instead of decisions being made with the frontal lobe they're made in the part of the bran responsible for impulsive behaviour. In other words young guys fall in love using the same parts of their brains that make them do things like drive 80 mph in a 30 mph speed zone -- jump off roofs into swimming pools --- drink until they puke and pass out then get up the next day and do it again --- got the idea?

Don't get stuck on the word "teen" in this.
The brain in males is still "teen" into early 20's



Plus ---- I wasn't his "type." I knew that from the day he and I met but that meant nothing to me because I was working totally on impulses and not thinking rationally. He'd always dated older more mature guys and I was almost 4 years younger than him (5 days short of being 20 when we met. He was 23 going on 24.) He didn't want to push me totally away and said he and I needed to take things slower --- give me to date other guys --- (he was the 2nd guy I'd been with. The 1st was a one time thing) and we could stay FWBs. I told him I agreed but that was just because I had no choice other than to completely quit seeing him which was out of the question as far as I was concerned.

Here's how impulsive I was at that time. I was in the military saving everything I made for airfare to go see him anytime I could get away... We're talking about having to fly halfway around the friggin' globe. That meant roundtrip I spent anywhere from 36 to 48 hours to spend just 48 hours or sometimes less with him. I was doing that 3 or four times a year. There were times when I got off the plane with less than twenty bucks in my pocket. While in a naval hospital doing recovery and rehab for a wound I got a buddy to pick me up on an afternoon pass --- take me to the airport so that I could fly and go see my guy for three days. I nearly got kicked out of the marines for that.

That went on for two year, three month and twelve days before things changed. For me it was a battle to win him over to have him all to myself. But I was concentrating on winning him and not on what that was doing to me. In the process what I was doing was maturing and becoming a guy he started liking more and more. One day he and I were chatting on cam and he was just staring at me. I asked what was wrong and finally said, "wow. when did you grow up and how did I miss it until now?"

My story is the exception. Most guys that age would have given up and let impulses lead them to find an easier and less expensive piece of ass. I've always been hard headed. Him pushing me away the way he did wasn't rejection to me. I was a challenge, something I had to win at.

Here's another good video off youtube about the brains you guys are dealing with. Try not to set goals and expectations that are impossible for you to reach. Try to talk to your guy and treat him like mine did me.

You REALLY need to watch this too.