My boyfriend, me and a cat.

[Iceblink]

Unfortunately my boyfriend does not listen to me so there's little that I can allow. He won't listen to me. Besides we barely talk each to other now.

The cat is not neglected though, it's receiving the attention and love from the person who wanted it - my boyfriend. He's feeding it and taking care about it, so the cat shouldn't be unhappy.

I'm sorry that I'm angering you all, but that's how I am. The cat is here so I will have to tolerate it, that much I understand.

I think now more than ever, I am correct that this issue is not the cat, but the relationship between you and your boyfriend and unfortunately this cat has become a symbol of those problems. He won't listen, we barely talk - that is just throwing up your arms and not dealing with the situation.

I did not want the cat in your home because I did not think you had the right attitude to have an animal in your home and that animal can sense your coldness. I plead with you, do more than tolerate the cat, try a little kindness. It might bring some self-discovery and some growth as a person. I do not want to not be understanding to your situation, but this is difficult for me to understand how a person can look at the face of a kitten, a puppy, cat, or dog and not have their heart melt.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I can update this situation a bit. The cat is here, like my boyfriend said. However it seems to be paying more attention to be than my boyfriend. We think it's strange, because my boyfriend is the one who does all the feeding and petting and everything. I don't have any specific feelings to this animal however it keeps following me around everywhere. Needless to say that my boyfriend is not happy about it.

Cats and dogs are both social animals. Cats go around in "clowder" or a "glaring", dogs in "packs" - these groupings are similar to human 'tribes' or 'extended family'.

You have adopted an animal that will try to socialize and fit its self into your group structure in a manner that resembles its social grouping. Cats in their grouping have hierarchy, where the youngest/weakest submit to to the most dominant member.

I'm going out on a limb here, but it seems to me the cat already understands that you are the head of this group, thus you are the more dominant member and its going to try to win your favor and display behaviors that will tell you it is submitting to your will.

Don't be surprised if the cat brings you dead things. When a cat brings you prey it has killed it is showing submission to your ultimate Authority - sort of the giving you the lions share.

If you are showing no interest in the cat, ignoring it, you are punishing it. In groups of animals there are various forms of 'punishing' individuals in groups, one such way is to shun or ignore the individual. The individual then has to 'do something' to show its sorry.

Right now the cat is doing the positive things to get your attention and your approval. If you do not demonstrate your approval (sorry just telling the cat you approve won't send the message), the the cat will most likely turn to other not so nice behaviors, such as pissing on your side of the bed, pissing in your shoes. Attacking you and challenging your position as head of the group.

And BTW, cat piss is potent stuff - the typical way to get rid of cat urine in say your shoes is to throw out the shoes...


Since you cannot sit down and tell the cat who is who in the social structure of the house, its going to take a while for the cat to know who to go to for nurturing, who to go to for protection, who to appease and please the most when you and the BF have a fight... etc.

Your BF will have to play more with the cat and have his lap available more often. You, if you do not want this cat to be 'yours', need to give it minimum attention, a pat a stroke, a few kind words (gentle the voice) and show that you like it enough, but that its emotional needs are going to mostly be met via the other member of the group (your BF).

[Virge]

I was told thru a PM one of my remarks made it seem I was being tough on the OP for not wanting the cat. I', sorry if I came across that way. I was concentrating on the cat being an issue between two people and really not trying to take sides ---- even though I can't be impartial cuz I love my cats and my dogs like they dropped out of my imaginary uterus.

All of this is really a good example of something I've probably said a few hundred dozen times in here..... In a relationship you can't make decisions that are good for the "me" or the "you." You have to make decisions that are good for the "us" whether the "you" or the "me" likes them or not. It's not as hard as it sounds once you get to the point you can keep the "you" and the "me" from acting like spoiled brats about getting their ways.

Try to remember something about the kitten. It has no idea of the tension going on between you and your BF. It's happy to be anywhere with anyone. There's no need to treat it less than kind. It just wants to be friends with everyone and will do all it can to make that happen. You don't need to do hardly anything in return to be friends back.

[Anonymous]

Well, I guess the positive thing is that the cat won't bring me dead animals, like Bowyn said, because my boyfriend has decided not to let the cat outside of our flat. He wants it to be a house cat.

[CellarDweller]

Well, I guess the positive thing is that the cat won't bring me dead animals, like Bowyn said, because my boyfriend has decided not to let the cat outside of our flat. He wants it to be a house cat.

If you own a cat, you should keep it inside. Keeping it inside keeps it safe from other animals, parasites, and diseases.

It also prevents the cat from going to the bathroom on other people's property, or damaging other people's property.

I also have to say, I agree with IceBlink's last posts. THis is not about the cat/kitten in your place now, it's about bigger problems between the two of you. Whatever the issue, don't take it out on the cat.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well, I guess the positive thing is that the cat won't bring me dead animals, like Bowyn said, because my boyfriend has decided not to let the cat outside of our flat. He wants it to be a house cat.

Ohhhh.... wellllll.....

Don't be too overly shocked to learn that the occasional mouse gets into your house...

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I was told thru a PM one of my remarks made it seem I was being tough on the OP for not wanting the cat. I', sorry if I came across that way. I was concentrating on the cat being an issue between two people and really not trying to take sides ----

I did say that such relationships don't end well.

I just don't know how to go about listing the potentials here without sounding like I'm ripping the OP a new one.

:confused:

[Camfer]

Catastrophe!

[Jerpyjorpjerp]

I can update this situation a bit. The cat is here, like my boyfriend said. However it seems to be paying more attention to be than my boyfriend. We think it's strange, because my boyfriend is the one who does all the feeding and petting and everything. I don't have any specific feelings to this animal however it keeps following me around everywhere. Needless to say that my boyfriend is not happy about it.

I personally think that this might be a shared delusion arising from your own passive aggressive inclinations and your boyfriend's general anxiety about keeping the "family" together.

[UglyRabbit]

I had a similar experience except it was about a dog. Several years ago my BF, who was working and I was not, wanted a dog. I was not an animal person and we didn't have extra money for feeding a dog. I told him if he thought he could manage the money for additional mouth, he would take care of the dog, and I didn't need to involve with the dog, then be my guest. Then we got a puppy. Since he was working and I stayed at home with the dog, we started bond to each other. Even though my BF cooked, bought toys, and gave love to our dog, our dog tended to be with me more than with my BF. Compromise is one of the keys to a successful relationship. From this experience my BF could learn from his mistake, but, on the other side, the outcome could change my point of view. The fact was I was the person who gained from the experience. If I have a chance to have a dog again, I would not mind.