I want to be a gay man

[meridannight]

It is at times like these I think it would be so much better for my mental health if I was gay.

unfortunately, if you were gay you'd know it by now already. can't blame you though; being with guys is fucking hot. i'd wanna be gay if i wasn't gay.

a word of advice though -- it would be one of the most disappointing and unpleasant things to live through, to be with a guy, and then find out he wasn't even attracted to you nor turned on by your body, but that he was with you because he didn't feel comfortable going after girls. for casual sex it doesn't really matter. but when in a relationship, i wanna be with a guy who finds me attractive and is turned on by me.

i do NOT recommend you pursue being with men with this attitude and personal issues you have. it'd be unfair to the guy you're with to mislead him like this.

[ceez]

oooooohhhh boy, trying to resist. nope, not going to do it. if there's nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all

[East]

I have always felt like being gay was akin to winning the sexual identity lottery and I was lucky....

If I wasn't gay I would definitely want to be....

You will never see me in the coming out or angst about being gay threads for these very reasons....

I am not sure if one can "choose" to be gay but I do think one can choose to have sex with another man...so maybe give it a shot and see what happens...eh?

[Steve]

Hi. I'm going to preface this reply by telling you that I ask many questions. There is no intent to harass you when I ask questions, it only means that I need more information from you. I realize this must be a difficult issue for you to discuss let alone deal with on a daily basis. Forgive me if I'm too brusque.

I am a young man close to the 30s. I am a straight man mostly. I have this urge often to be gay. Not because I am attracted exactly.

This is ambiguous. You're a straight man mostly? You have the urge to be sexual with men, but you're not attracted exactly. Maybe it's because you worded it poorly, but that reads as unsure of yourself, unsure of what you want.

I feel being gay is better.

It is 'effing fabulous. Sometimes. But it isn't the end all, be all. And believe me, if you've done any reading here, you know that many, many of us here are "damaged" in one way or another. Not everyone, Bette Davis knows that Virge is practically the poster boy for well adjusted gay men. But there are a lot of us with issues, most of which we developed because of something we had no control over: our sexuality.

I am too shy and I don't think I can find a girlfriend. I did lose my virginity but there ends the story. I don't think I will ever gather the courage to ask out girls or whatever.

Why? Extreme shyness is borne out of fear to express yourself. I believe most everyone experiences being shy to some degree at some point in their lives. A level of shyness that precludes you from dating or having sex with women when you identify as straight indicates time honored advice: You should be consulting a therapist. I am not judging you. Therapy helps, and I won't be the only person here to tell you that.

I tried to meet guys over the internet. I have had exactly one experience which I didn't particularly like.

Why didn't you like it? Was it because you were with a man, or was it because you didn't perform sexual acts which gave you pleasure? Did you really want to be with a women instead? Did the guy you had sex with think you were experienced? It is possible that your first experience was with someone who simply didn't know how to deal with a man's first time. Too many guys are only interested in their own satisfaction and don't take the time necessary to make a first time sexual encounter a great experience for both people. Did he know you were his first? There are many things other than penetration that constitute sex (ask Bill Clinton). Maybe anal sex isn't your style. There are, please believe me, many other types of sex that could interest you more than that unfortunate first encounter.

But my problem is, I think about myself as the feminine person but when it comes to the acts, I am not able to do it so well. That guy was not so pleased, I think. Anyway this was 5 years ago.

Look, I'm not trying to be the one converting you to gay fabulosity. Sometimes you're straight, sometimes you're gay, although in my experience there are a helluva lot more than 50 shades of gray. You would not be the first man I've met who is feminine enough to set off my gaydar, yet be far more comfortable sexually with women.
Food for thought... It isn't unheard of for a straight guy to experiment with other guys (although that usually occurs most often in early puberty than late life). You're close to your 30's (although approximately 25 at the time) and you still have the desire to experiment? At your age this isn't an impulse driven by hormone level. All this is driven by extreme shyness? I'm not going to doubt you, but either you really need therapy or you need to think carefully about your desires. Men your age very seldom experiment sexually with other men with the exception of gay/straight men still in the closet. It does happen, just not that often.

Another observation, it seems to me that you're concerned enough about that one sexual partner that you felt the need to mention that the guy wasn't so pleased with the encounter. Perhaps I'm looking for something that doesn't exist, but the way you write it, it feels like shame on your part for not measuring up to the experience. That kind of shame might be a powerful deterrent to repeat the experience. I'm not a healthcare professional. I hope I'm just giving you things to think about.

Now I go on internet and often chat with guys. Sometimes I go out and try to meet them but then I don't have the guts and go home.

I wish I was gay. If I was gay, everything would have been so easy for me. Right now, I know many men who would want me. But I just never did it with them. I feel I should have been born gay, I just missed that lucky gene. I don't watch gay porn at all. I am only turned on when I imagine myself as the feminine person and watching two strangers on video doesn't turn me on. I am not turned on by the male body exactly. I am turned on the female body unfortunately but I am trying not to think of that.

Boldly stating that you wish you were gay is difficult to reconcile with declaring that you are straight. If these are your true feelings I would suggest you explore something closer to bisexuality. Perhaps a woman wearing a strap on penile prosthetic might also be a solution closer to your sexual need. Maybe what you're looking for lay in transsexual, or transgendered life changes. There is no shame in any of these options and there are multitudes of women and men happy to assist with those specific needs.

Forgive me, but I'm still sensing some amount of denial concerning your sexuality. Wishing to be born gay is not Kinsey 1 request. Honestly, you wouldn't be the first man I've known who suppressed gay urges, even when presented with gay pornography. "...I am not turned on by the male body exactly". Earlier in your post you wrote almost the same words. I can't begin to tell you how indecisive that sounds. That you are turned on by the female body, but you don't want to think about that. This begins to sound more and more like you are at odds with your own desires and body. You feel you fit well in a feminine role, are very vocal about not becoming aroused by the male body, and you find females sexually attractive, but consciously try to avoid those thoughts because you feel them unfortunate. Something isn't adding up.

To add to everything, I was not born in a religious family or anything so I don't really have any restrictions or anything. If I was gay, I wouldn't care.

I feel that if I do it a couple of times, maybe I would like it and become good at it. And maybe that would be my life. And I would forget about women altogether. I think about it all the time.

At this point I'm just going to chalk up the declaration "If I were gay I wouldn't care", to a need to assert your heterosexuality at any cost. Somehow I find it disingenuous. You finish your post by positing that if you had sex with guys a few times and became good at it that you would forget about sexually desiring women completely. That you think about this all the time. Denial is afoot.

I wish I knew exactly how advise you. Considering what you've written and how you've expressed yourself, I think you're probably gay and in denial. Which is why you're on a gay website asking gay men to pick through conflicting issues. But that's only my opinion. My opinion isn't the thing that matters here.

I hope I've given you some good feedback about what you wrote, given you some things to think about. Good Luck.

Sexuality runs on a scale so you do not have to label yourself gay or straight or bi if you do not want to. But sadly you cannot force yourself to be something you are not. You could try to push for sexual relations with men but it may not work or be right for you. Have thought about trying to find a woman with more masculine traits? There will be plenty out there for you to seek out if you look hard enough.

I agree with you Wolfpack.

The thing that bothers me eleven13 is that you chose a largely gay forum to pose this dilemma. Don't mistake me, you are a very welcome member at GS. If I've said it once, I'll say it again: I wouldn't take the time to respond to your post if I didn't care. GS is a great place to find support.

Please, I'm not about to question your masculinity. Still, it almost feels like you want permission to have sex with men. I could well be misreading you, but there is this sense of longing to be something you're not in your initial post. Perhaps you need to decide exactly what you want sexually.

...I wish I got together with a man early in my life. Maybe I would gone into college as a full fledged gay man or something after a lot of experiences. I could have had a lot of fun. Maybe then, I wouldn't have a problem at all. I wouldn't have to be so sexually frustrated all these years. I did get involved with a woman but that got over fast because of something I said.

I know it sounds stupid but some people say sexuality is a choice and maybe I could choose what I want in life.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda... Dinta. You are sexually frustrated because you haven't dealt with these issues for years. You've gotten over the women you had in your life faster than this desire you have to be gay. That's something to think about. By the way, what one thing was it that you said that ended that relationship?

Please stop belittling yourself. Most of the rest of the world will be only to happy to do that for you. You're not stupid. Based on my own experience, sexual orientation is not a choice. I never got a choice in the matter. The only choice I ever had about being gay was whether to lie or tell the truth. I don't think you get to decide whether your gay or not. I think the only thing you get to decide is whether or not to accept yourself. Play the hand that life dealt you as best as you can. That's really all anyone can ask of you.

Sounds to me that you are confusing butt play with being gay. You get aroused by the idea of being penetrated, but you're not all that aroused by men's bodies.

Then because you are new to being penetrated, you think that because it wasn't all that successful on your first attempts that you're not gay. Your success at initial attempts at gay sex doesn't mean anything.

They make all kinds of toys you can get to experiment on yourself. I suggest you try a few and start with the smaller ones.

We have one resident straight guy on here who we know has enjoyed a particular item up his butt. Maybe he will join the conversation.

Keep exploring and work on asking someone out on a date.

Camfer is much more accepting when you assert that you're straight. He's very optimistic which is a very good quality. If you don't agree with my observations, take Camfer's advice.
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[AlohaShannon]

Eleven13........

I don't have a reason to believe anything you've said is a lie. I do feel you are leaving out details that would help us to better understand why you are wishing to do this. Whether you share those details with us is up to you and I will not judge you if you don't. I would like very much to understand this.

Here is a link to a test about sexuality. I'd be interested in what your results will be if you take the test.
http://flexuality.wordpress.com/

Virge,

That link was incredible and the test was insanely accurate for me! My highest number was in the category of "transitioning" and this snippet from the explanation is spot on:

"At one extreme, you may be married and have always considered yourself straight, but you have begun to realize that you are also attracted to, and perhaps prefer, members of the same sex. You may identify yourself as “really” gay or lesbian, rather than bisexual, perhaps because only that would justify coming out of the closet and making a major change in lifestyle."

My numbers in the other categories were also profoundly accurate. Thanks for this link!

[spilovn]

I think you need a girlfriend, being gay is not a choice, its not a lucky gene either. Sure at the mere hint of being gay some gay will want to tell you you are gay but its obvious your not.

[Doofus89]

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Woo! Just skimming through this I need a cigarette!

[Steve]

--Quote attributed to Doofus89

Woo! Just skimming through this I need a cigarette!

You needed an after-post cigarette huh? Was it as good for you as it was for me?

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[Doofus89]

You needed an after-post cigarette huh? Was it as good for you as it was for me?

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Hahahaha

Maybe a little better for me! ;P

[bootsguy]

Personal Dilemma hmmp you can weigh things on what you like and what you don't like and what you don't feel like doing.