When sex wishes are different?

[Bhp91126]

You have a couple of choices to make. #1 is how important are those fantasies? Are they 'nice to haves' or 'must haves'?

If they are must haves, your partner needs to be able to compromise, either he gives indulging your fetishes a sincere try or he allows you getting your kinks with someone else. If fetishes (must haves) aren't fulfilled, the relationship is doomed.

If your fantasies are just that (nice to have), you could try to incorporate them gradually. Like have a pair of handcuffs next to the bed next time you have vanilla sex.

You may have discussed it already, but what are your partners fantasies?

Your partner sounds pretty narrow minded when it comes to sex. Why does he think that role play or bdsm is disgusting?

You guys have lots of communicating to do!

[palbert]

You've received some excellent comments but ultimately I think you've come right up against a brick wall. Have you tried watching porn showing stuff that you find interesting. If he's not up for that he'll never walk thru the "BDSM door." I write this as one who was in an exclusively BDSM relationship for 3 years.

How long have you been together. That could inform your decision on how to handle your sexual frustration.

[meridannight]

I mean, how can you say you don't like something if you've never tried it?

how can a gay guy say he doesn't like women unless he's tried one?

this is the same type of backwards logic. some people know what they like and what they don't without necessarily having tried it first hand.

Your partner sounds pretty narrow minded when it comes to sex. Why does he think that role play or bdsm is disgusting?

right, narrow-minded. like we're talking about some viewpoint/opinion and not a physical condition. like everybody must be into BDSM and having sex in public or roleplaying. if you're not you're narrow-minded. it's the same as saying heterosexual men are narrow-minded because they're not willing to have sex with a guy. what bullshit.

[Cuddly]

Why not start smaller? Instead of going on the craziest most dizzying ride in Disney Land, why not try something less extreme to start with?
Have sex in complete dark. Have sex in the showet. On the kitchen floor. On the dining table. Have sex without touching each other. Have sex without your lips ever parting during the act. Have sex with your clothes on...

[Doofus89]

how can a gay guy say he doesn't like women unless he's tried one?

this is the same type of backwards logic. some people know what they like and what they don't without necessarily having tried it first hand.



right, narrow-minded. because everybody must be into BDSM and having sex in public or roleplaying. if you're not you're narrow-minded. it's the same as saying heterosexual men are narrow-minded because they're not willing to have sex with a guy. what bullshit.

I don't think that's what the posters were going for at all... Trying new things is universal for anyone. I'm not sure you can compare a gay guy not liking women in a sexual way unless he's tried. I mean, it's possible.. but as likely as finding out your into nipple clamps or handcuffs. If I were to try light BDSM in the future does that mean I should also try having sex with a transexual because I've never been with a trans person?

What the latter poster is saying about "narrow-mindedness" is that the OP's boyfriend is subjectively not willing to try something new. If he's gay, it has nothing to do with using other stimuli to enhance sexual intercourse.

[Bhp91126]

...
right, narrow-minded. because everybody must be into BDSM and having sex in public or roleplaying. if you're not you're narrow-minded. it's the same as saying heterosexual men are narrow-minded because they're not willing to have sex with a guy. what bullshit.

I don't know whether you are this hostile on purpose or because of ignorance. Please look into Dan Savage's concept of partners striving to be ggg (good, game and giving when it comes to sex) This is not a black or white issue. You can be not interested in bdsm without finding it disgusting. If my husband were interested I'd be happy to explore, but wouldn't miss anything if it never came up.

If it were truly disgusting to OPs bf, with a good reason behind it, I'm sure the OP would understand, but the bfs rejection sounded more like "good gays don't do that shit".

Maybe narrow minded was not the best expression, but sexually repressed probably wouldn't have gone down any easier with you. What I'm missing in the OPs story is a willingness by his bf to explore new things and he is not even interested in making the OP happy.

[Pix]

My observations is that many men, gay or straight, are notorious for believing what works for himself automatically works for everyone else, too...heck, that if he's attracted then so is the other person (he may even believe the other person turned him on intentionally, even when absurd). If the sex is good for him then obviously it's good for his partner. In short, he's mistaking you and your needs for himself with your actual needs as being unnecessary and silly. Men tend to feel more entitled rather than obligated when it comes to sex as well (all generally speaking).

Sexuality is still pretty mysterious, including the weird kinks and desires some people get. And my understanding is that there isn't much you can do about them, even when they're considered dangerous or criminal, they're practically hardwired. And that's pretty much bad news if he's not going to indulge you...and even if he does indulge you then he's not likely to find much enjoyment out of it (which may also detract from the experience for you), and if the desires remain strong despite occasional indulgence then the romantic relationship is probably doomed along with the sexual because your needs in this area are simply too incompatible. Which sucks but life is filled with all sorts of hard choices.

But maybe if you could come to an understanding then perhaps he could indulge something that's not too alienating on special occasions, like anniversaries, your birthday (doesn't have to be the exact day), and perhaps a holiday or season (choose 3 days in the last week of December, possibly including New Years, for example). If that makes it bearable for you then it could still work, and hopefully the specialness of it will make it all the better. Though even if he agrees to this he's probably going to find it very hard to get into the spirit of it as it doesn't come as naturally to him as it does to you.

[meridannight]

I don't think that's what the posters were going for at all... Trying new things is universal for anyone. I'm not sure you can compare a gay guy not liking women in a sexual way unless he's tried. I mean, it's possible.. but as likely as finding out your into nipple clamps or handcuffs. If I were to try light BDSM in the future does that mean I should also try having sex with a transexual because I've never been with a trans person?

is trying everything universal to everyone? i have never played American football but i can see that i don't like it. i like European football, or soccer. should i start regularly playing American football then, even though i dislike it? just disregard my taste and physical preference, and start practicing it? really? that's what you're playing the analogy on here.

and the OP is not suggesting his partner just try it once or twice. the way i get it he wants that stuff on a regular basis. so he wouldn't be asking his partner to make an exception once. he's asking him to adapt his sexual preference for long term.

i'm saying as a guy who apparently has the same taste in sex as his partner does, this isn't something that's likely going to ever change. not everybody is into alternative sex play. if a guy doesn't like it it's likely never gonna happen. this isn't something anybody can change any more than they can change their sexuality. one of them has to make a long term change though, if they want the relationship to last. but i don't really see it working.

this is not about whether you've ever been with a transsexual or not. it's about whether transsexuals get your dick hard? do they?

What the latter poster is saying about "narrow-mindedness" is that the OP's boyfriend is subjectively not willing to try something new. If he's gay, it has nothing to do with using other stimuli to enhance sexual intercourse.

is there a possibility of objectively not willing to try something? he doesn't have to try something he knows he doesn't like. that's his damn right. he has a right to his preferences and it's unfair to try to force him to go along with it, by implying he's narrow-minded or somehow has an obligation to do it. that's all bullshit. get it through your head that not everybody is interested in the same things you are.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Okay, well.... first and foremost? You need to take pride in knowing what you want and that includes taking pride in being a "pervert" (absolutely rediculous label, as we are ALL perverts in one way or another, in one person's eyes or another).

1) There is nothing wrong with exploration.

2) There is nothing wrong with BDSM, as long as it is done in a safe, sane, and consensual manner.

3) Exhibitionism is a VERY common fantasy/fetish in people in general (men, women, gay, or straight, etc and so forth).

4) Threesomes, although not for me? Are a common enough fantasy as well.

NONE of what you're asking for is particularly out of the ordinary (granted, I don't know what BDSM activities you're interested in) but, you do need to take your partner's limits into account.

Are ALL of these things hard limits for him? Or are any of them something you could slowly introduce in a gradual way over time, to see if you can begin to incorporate them? Both BDSM and exhibitionism, it's easy enough to start a little at a time. The threesome? That... you might be out of luck on. If your partner is balking at the other two? The threesome just isn't something that will be easy to work in. (As a side note, threesomes are a hard limit for me.)

[meridannight]

I don't know whether you are this hostile on purpose or because of ignorance. Please look into Dan Savage's concept of partners striving to be ggg (good, game and giving when it comes to sex) This is not a black or white issue. You can be not interested in bdsm without finding it disgusting. If my husband were interested I'd be happy to explore.

where was i hostile? it's black and white as far as personal taste and preference goes. a guy is either into some things physically or he's not. pretty black and white.

you can be not interested in BDSM (and we're not just talking about BDSM here) both with and without being disgusted.

but wouldn't miss anything if it never came up

i didn't claim otherwise.

If it were truly disgusting to OPs bf, with a good reason behind it, I'm sure the OP would understand, but the bfs rejection sounded more like "good gays don't do that shit".

i'm sorry, were you there in person and saw the way he reacted? you only read about it in text through a point-of-view of a guy who wants unconventional sex. i don't see a reason to doubt what the partner is saying. he might say what he did, in order to offer an explanation or a justification for himself. i don't know. but i gather a guy knows if he's disgusted by something, and i take him at his word. i know it's possible to find some things disgusting. and you're right the OP should understand it.

Maybe narrow minded was not the best expression,

you don't say.

but sexually repressed probably wouldn't have gone down any easier with you. What I'm missing in the OPs story is a willingness by his bf to explore new things and he is not even interested in making the OP happy.

no it wouldn't have.

well he doesn't have to explore things he KNOWS he doesn't like. unless you think it's impossible for a person to know what he likes and what he doesn't? some people are in better touch with their physical body than others. you might need to try BDSM sex to figure it out whether you like it or not. i don't. and his partner is probably the same way.

and making the OP happy? he is having sex with his partner is he not? is the guy refusing to have sex with him completely? if BDSM is the only thing that makes him happy, then he should stop and think a little about why that is.