When sex wishes are different?

[East]

I think people forget that the mind is the biggest sex organ and fantasy can take you anywhere you need to go with or without the actual experience....

If my partner was strictly vanilla and refused to engage in fantasy I would have to either opt for an open relationship (unlikely for me) or move on. It would be a dealbreaker.

Maybe the OP needs to ask himself how important it is to him and not worry what other people think.

I do know one thing....I watched ALOT of relationships unfold and crumble from behind the bar (I also saw some great ones that thrived and survived) and the strictly vanilla men who had no interest in anything else will often lose a man or else the man will cheat on him and usually tell on himself and the vanilla man will almost never see his role in it.

Any relationship with two people requires compromise.....it should be one of the foundations of any relationship. No one person should be able to get EVERYTHING they want at the expense of the other...just my opinion.

[Gideon]

Wow someone is bordering on hostile there with their personal opinions and preferences...

Anyway...to the topic...

As a self proclaimed PERVERT(I'm a kinky mofo and proud of it thankyouverymuch) I would suggest you approach your wants/needs/desires maybe a little differently. Like others have said, maybe a gradual approach, maybe actually spelling out which parts of things that you're interested in.

Many...MANY people have a preconceived notion of what BDSM is and have no idea what is actually involved. For that matter, there is no black and white, no manual or rule book for BDSM, you make it what YOU want from it and what works for you and your partner.

Twist and I have been in a D/s relationship for six years, he wears my collar...but he doesn't kneel, he doesn't call me Master, there are no whips and chains involved. Hell the mind fuck from stretching his arms up over his head and pinning him to the bed while I bite his nipples can be more powerful than any number of implements and devices you see in a "typical" BDSM video....

So take his mind out of the box and introduce a few other ideas that give you the same end result without the labels and stigmas attached to that scary BDSM red flag he seems to have going on

Good luck man

[Camfer]

OP, I think you need to tell your partner this, flat out: "Our sex life good but it is becoming too vanilla and routine for me. What do you suggest we do?"

Rather than you making suggestions on what you want to try with him rejecting it, make him make the suggestions. Then, go along with it, whatever he suggests, with 100% enthusiasm. He might be slow to change.

Rather than try public sex, which can lead to being a registered sex offender, why not try sex in a gay sex club or gay bathhouse? That might give you the exhibitionist thrill you want but give him the safety he wants.

An open relationship might be the last resort. But I think your partner can grow more comfortable to more sexual experiences if you let him feel like he's the one taking the lead.

[Bhp91126]

...

if everything is black&white for you here, your partners wishes mean nothing to you as long you're happy and you're having sex, you're unwilling to explore compromise once your mind is made up, then I have nothing else to discuss here with you.

[Doofus89]

I don't know why I can't reply to Meridannight's post so I'm doing it manually:

Yes. Trying something new IS universal for everyone. Because anyone and everyone has the capacity to do so. I really don't know where else to go with this. I see a ton of logical fallacies in your post.

For instance: You said, "if a guy doesn't like it it's likely never gonna happen. this isn't something anybody can change any more than they can change their sexuality."
I can answer this easily. People change all the time. Sexuality doesn't. I'm sure there are things you liked as a kid that you now don't like. Were you straight at one point and then all of a sudden became gay? On the off chance you were completely straight, then I'm completely wrong here. But, no you weren't. You were either in denial or you were afraid of being gay. I know was in denial/afraid of being bisexual for at least 12 years of my life. Sexuality will really only change if something drastic happens in a person's life. Such as... idk.. some sort of mental anguish.

And I don't see it as the OP looking for his partner to do all the things he wants to do all the time. That's unreasonable. Just enough to spice things up a little.

The transexual thing was an example. It wasn't meant to be pondered upon.

This seems to be getting out of control by the end here. I'm starting to gain a huge sense of hostility here. But, yes there is a such thing as objectively not willing to try something. If he has facts as to why he doesn't want to try these things. After all, the definition of "objective" is "Based on FACTS rather than feelings or opinions."
The OP even said it himself, "He's not willing to try anything new." I'm taking that sentence at face value because I'm assuming the OP is saying he knows his partner has never ventured out, either physically or intellectually, in any of the said fields.

[meridannight]

if everything is black&white for you here, your partners wishes mean nothing to you as long you're happy and you're having sex, you're unwilling to explore compromise once your mind is made up, then I have nothing else to discuss here with you.

is this thread about me? am i the one in a relationship with OP?

[Gideon]

is this thread about me? am i the one in a relationship with OP?

No, but you do stress your -opinions- very specifically and almost appear hostile/argumentative in these postings. I'm not sure if that's your objective or not, but that is how it comes across.

When a thread is started here asking for opinions or advice I would assume the poster wants advice from everyone, regardless how diverse or varied those responses are...and yet when others don't agree with you or debate their reasoning(or clarify their meaning) you seem to take offense or argue that they are wrong for having a different opinion.

This is just my take on it, my opinion, but even this last post comes across as hostile and unfriendly...just so you know.

[Anonymous]

No, of course, I wont be asking these special things from him all the time. I just want to try at least something at least once.

[Gideon]

No, of course, I wont be asking these special things from him all the time. I just want to try at least something at least once.

Kind of a personal question, but if you don't care to answer....

Are you the more aggressive person in the relationship or less aggressive? Do you take the "dominant" role or the "submissive" role or are things entirely equal across the board for the two of you? It might make a difference in your approach into trying to get him to sample new things.

[meridannight]

Yes. Trying something new IS universal for everyone. Because anyone and everyone has the capacity to do so.

you have the capacity to rape someone. shouldn't you go ahead and try that then by this same logic?

or what about eating food that makes you disgusted? you find the taste disgusting but it is within your capacity to swallow it. should you eat disgusting food then?

trying everything new is not universal to everybody. by far, it's obvious most people on this planet are not open to trying new things that extend too far out of their comfort zone. everybody has their limits. the OP's partner's limits are obviously not that far out, that's what you are missing about this story.

For instance: You said, "if a guy doesn't like it it's likely never gonna happen. this isn't something anybody can change any more than they can change their sexuality."
I can answer this easily. People change all the time. Sexuality doesn't.

people don't really change. even if some things do change, does that happen all the time with absolutely every aspect of their life? see how ridiculous that notion is? just because some things MIGHT change a little, doesn't mean they WILL change. most of the time they don't.

I'm sure there are things you liked as a kid that you now don't like.

i had strong dislikes to certain things already as a kid. and i still don't like those things today.

but are we talking about things that the OP's partner used to like and now does not? we are talking about things he has apparently never liked. completely different.

Were you straight at one point and then all of a sudden became gay? On the off chance you were completely straight, then I'm completely wrong here. But, no you weren't. You were either in denial or you were afraid of being gay. I know was in denial/afraid of being bisexual for at least 12 years of my life. Sexuality will really only change if something drastic happens in a person's life. Such as... idk.. some sort of mental anguish.

i was never in denial nor afraid of being gay. i always knew i liked men and i never had a problem with it.

i did say sexuality does not change.

And I don't see it as the OP looking for his partner to do all the things he wants to do all the time. That's unreasonable. Just enough to spice things up a little.

and the way i saw it his partner expressed not being turned on by ANY of his fantasies. so what is there to do in such a situation? you guys are arguing for the partner to force himself to do something he knows he doesn't like. i strongly disagree with that.

i am arguing that
a. his partner does not have the right to force him to do anything his partner doesn't like no more than the partner has such a right on him.
b. even if the guy went along with his fantasies he's unlikely to enjoy the things and that's just as unproductive
c. because of a. and b. i don't really see their relationship lasting in long term unless ONE of them makes a big adjustment in long term perspective.

The transexual thing was an example. It wasn't meant to be pondered upon.

i know that. but you didn't answer the question. it's relevant as far as an analogy. if e.g. having sex with a transsexual is not sexually exciting for you, then nobody has the right to claim you are being narrow-minded and/or request you team up with them in banging a transsexual. if you don't want to do it you don't have to do it. the same logic applies for OP's partner, just it applies for all his fantasies.

This seems to be getting out of control by the end here. I'm starting to gain a huge sense of hostility here. But, yes there is a such thing as objectively not willing to try something.

you're confusing hostility with forcefulness.

But, yes there is a such thing as objectively not willing to try something.
If he has facts as to why he doesn't want to try these things. After all, the definition of "objective" is "Based on FACTS rather than feelings or opinions."

so the FACT that the partner doesn't get sexually aroused for these fantasies is not objective? there isn't a colder harder truth out there than a flaccid penis (or an erect one).

The OP even said it himself, "He's not willing to try anything new." I'm taking that sentence at face value because I'm assuming the OP is saying he knows his partner has never ventured out, either physically or intellectually, in any of the said fields.

and do you also have information on why his partner does not want to try those things? unless you do, unless you know the guy personally, you are not in a position to make such a judgment on him.