Boyfriend Won't Let Me Top

[quips16]

So my boyfriend and I have been having some sexual incompatibility issues lately. He just refuses to let me top. Well I shouldn't say refuses. We've been in a sexual relationship for about 18 months and I have topped about 4 times. He, however, wants to top several times a week, or at least after we go out on a date.

Let me give a little back-story first. I thought I did all the right things when we started dating. We waited to have sex until we were committed to each-other. I even discussed my sexual preference with him. I made it very clear I was versatile. That I liked to give as much as I received. To my relief he claimed to be the same. I've even heard stories from his friends that claim the same thing. So I felt very reassured that we would be just fine in the bedroom.

When we actually started our sexual relationship, he wanted to top the first couple times, which I was okay with. New boyfriend and everything, so I wanted to please him. After like 3 weeks of making little subtle hints in the bedroom that I wanted my turn I finally made the "bold" move of saying that I was gonna top tonight. His safe was one of irritation when I said that. The whole experience lasted maybe a minute before he told me to stop and that he didn't want to continue for the night. I was frustrated but understood.

The next morning he explained what had happened the night before. According to him, he had been taking medication that had the unfortunate side effect of "inflamed Anus".... Huh?? He then said that was off the medication but until this "side effect" subsided, there was just no way he was going to bottom. I was confused, but didn't want to pry into the issue too much so I relinquished myself to the idea of not topping for a long while.

I would ask about the problem every couple weeks until I finally just gave up. Eventually it had been 6 months and I got into an argument with him. I explained that I was completely frustrated. He felt bad and said that the problem had gotten better a few weeks ago but he thought I was happy being the bottom. So he promised to let me top the next time we out on a date.

That night finally came along. We went out for just a bite with some friends. We came back and he then explained that his stomach was upset and that he wasn't comfortable with the idea that night, but promised next time it would happen. For the next 3 TIMES he said his stomach was upset! On the 4th night out he explained he was having Irritable Bowel Syndrome and that again it wouldn't happen until he got over this problem. At this point I was so frustrated I bought a fleshlight. I figured at least I could experience something similar.

We have now been dating 18 months. Absolutely nothing has changed in the bedroom. I bring up me topping him and he says "are you serious, with my stomach issue, no way in hell"... He tops literally every single time we have sex. But this last week he found the fleshlight and we got in a huge argument. He freaked out and said that I was essentially cheating on him. That I was a fucking slut because his blowjobs weren't good enough for me. (He also refuses to swallow because he thinks its disgusting even though I do)

So I'm not sure what to do now. Can anyone help me see it through his eyes? He is loving and sweet in every other way, but I feel so taken for granted in the bedroom...

Help me?

[palbert]

It appears that your BF's position is not negotiable. You have the choice of staying in the current state of affairs -- or moving on. At least that's how I see it.

[CuriousPhoenix]

First off, I don't think masturbation is cheating. Can you cheat on someone with yourself. I don't think so. It's common to find outlets for extra sexual stamina because usually one wants sex more than the other. Masturbation is way better than going out and finding someone to have sex with.

It seems that your boyfriend lied about actually wanting to ever bottom. Part of the reason why you continued dating him in the first place was because you thought you were sexually compatible with him. Apparently you are not as compatible as you thought or he led you to believe. So as others will tell you, you have 4 different scenarios. First one, you break up with him because you guys are sexually compatible. Second one, you tell him that your breaking up with him, he changes his mind about bottoming and he starts to bottom and things get better. Third one is the same as the second except things don't get better because he's not sexually compatible with you. The fourth one, you stay together and do what you have been doing for the past 18 months.

The best thing would be to have a logical and truthful discussion about why he doesn't want to bottom. Then from there decide on what to do.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

With the anal issue it is possible he has Irritable Bowel Syndrome IBS http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Irritable-b...tment.aspx

Most people with IBS are a bit embarrassed out of it, and most men who have it don't do anal because its painful and more prone to be messier. mind maybe not leading to explosive diarrhea in the bed, but he is the one that has to deal with the (potential) problems after the sex is over.


What you haven't touched on to give us a better idea of his mindset is who is the big spoon and who is the little spoon? Is he bigger/taller/more muscular than you? When hugging who places their head on who's shoulder? Who is more dominant out of the bedroom? The decider, the chooser, the one who is a bit more protective of the other?

In other words, out of the bedroom who is more the top and who is more the bottom?

Since I can't see you, or interact with you face to face, I cannot tell you if you come off as being a bottom or not. Yes there are behaviors and character traits that scream 'I'm a bottom' that are not the obvious limp wrist, lisp and swish. Are you a bit more passive than he is?

His Mindset? Hmm. Well I can't read his mind, but I can tell you what I have heard and seen over the past 20 years.

20 years ago Top/bottom roles were acceptable, to the point that few people had issues talking about it and accepting it as being 'normal' for gay men. Sure we had about a third who were versatile. but over the last 2 decades there has been a bit of shame and denial placed on the Top/Bottom model.

Sadly there is this trend with the modern gay community to shun the Top/Bottom dynamic because it smacks of 'hetero-normative' behaviors. Gay men are becoming a bit more militant when it comes to acting like a straight couple in any way, which is odd because they still are screaming for gay marriage which is decidedly a hetero-normative behavior.

I keep on hearing tales of similar issues where a couple starts off with the understanding that they are 'versatile' to discover later down the road that one or both are not actually that way they actually do prefer to be a top or a bottom, but are hard pressed by the pressures of gay society to present themselves as versatile because its 'bad' in some way to be merely a top or a bottom, or to actively seek to be cast in a role that may have a hint of male/female gender roles to it.

Which is to say a lot of guys are getting involved with other guys who are not as fully compatible in the bedroom because there are these pressures to not be bottom/top.

At another site I go to occasionally there was this couple who were both tops, but they both told the other that they were 'versatile' so now one of the guys is begging on tips on how to become a 'better bottom' (meaning to find it pleasurable) in order to appease his mate.

Which is a lot sadder than it may appear at first, here is a guy who is desperately wanting to change in fundamental ways in order to appeal to his partner, all because the culture he is part of insisted he had to lie in order to find love.

Seems to me you are in a similar boat. The pressures of your society has caused this big misunderstanding.

Your partner most likely is attracted to you and wants to be with you for a plethora of other reasons. Other than the compatibility in the bedroom. He is most likely hoping you will give up on the whole wanting to top him thing and life will proceed naturally to marriage and you both being content.

This type of delusional hope is typical of your species. Humans are full of misplaced hope all the time. Which is why they live in hurricane prone areas, and in the shadow of active volcanoes and all sorts of other utterly stupid things that belay the realities.

You need to decide if this minor thing about the bedroom is a make or break the relationship issue, or if you can take it like a man and just accept your fate.

There is more to a relationship than just sex, and eventually sex will become far and few between and other aspects of your relationship will take precedence. It happens to most relationships.

Assuming he does have ISB, he will NEVER be cured. That means if this is a medical problem that prevents him accepting anal, that will never change.

If this is due to those other reasons, it still ain't going to change. His action/reaction the first time you tried tells me that he finds anal to be at best uncomfortable, if not downright painful.

You ain't going to get him to be the bottom. Sorry.

The thing is you have to decide if this is acceptable or not. If not then you need to tell him point blank this is a no-go relationship.

I'm sorry.

[quips16]

Let me fill in some of the gaps that I left out. Let me first say that my frustration stems from the fact that he seems to have lied to me from the start. Like I said, I've heard about these problems occurring in relationships before, so I tried to avoid that by being honest with him. What the hell would ever make him think I would just give up that want in my sexual life? I would have preferred a straight answer so that I could have decided if I wanted to continue with the relationship before it really got started.

Also, I do not believe he has IBS. I have friend who quite obviously have it. They watch what they eat. Avoiding certain trigger foods, and spending a very long time in the bathroom on many occasions. He doesn't do either of these things. We go out to eat and he orders a bean and cheese burrito with a side of habanero sauce. What man with IBS would ever do that on a regular basis?

As for general appearances, I am almost a head taller than he is. I do probably 60% of the spooning in the relationship. Everything else is about equal. I mean, we are both obviously men, neither of us would ever be considered flamboyant in any way...

I got so frustrated awhile ago that I sought advice from his friends, and even his Ex's... They all said the same thing. Either from stories they heard or from first hand experiences he bottomed on a regular basis for others. He just refuses for me. I mean, it's not like I'm huge. He has much more girth and length than I do.

I dunno. The lack of "fairness" in the relationship is just really irritating me at this point. He won't even admit he's lying. He still sticks to the claim that he too is also versatile, but "for now" I should be content with the way things are. In other words, I should not only not want to top him, BUT NOT SEEK ANY OTHER WAY TO RELEASE THAT URGE................... Just suppress it -.-

[CuriousPhoenix]

It seems that you aren't happy in the relationship. Your sex life isn't what you want it to be and he won't compromise with you or let you take out your urges without him. He lied to you and continues to do so.

Its easy to figure out about his IBS, look through his medication. Write down the names and look them up to see what they are used to treat and what the side effects are.

In the end it comes down to how you feel about him. Are you okay to never top again? Are you fine with him lying to you? Or do your feelings for him overcome both those obstacles?

[Bluelight]

Sounds like this isn't going to work out. Just reading this makes me feel stressed out...

[jimcrackcorn]

It could be that your boyfriend has an anal fissure or hemorrhoids. Even though he has bottomed in the past, these problems may have started occurring just prior to you two being together. At any rate, your boyfriend needs to see a doctor if he is having any problems with his stomach, intestines, or anus.

Don't let this problem concerning the type of sex you want,,, become a detractor to your otherwise good relationship. Consider it a work-in-progress which will sort itself out if you both try to compassionately listen to each other and then mutually decide how to go forward.

Your partner is probably being truthful about having problems with anal sex. I say this because he has bottomed before and evidently didn't turn his partners away,,, so what would be his reason now for turning you down? He clearly likes you, and has tried to bottom with you, but something went wrong - most likely he was in pain.

Your boyfriend may not know for sure why he is having trouble bottoming. If he is experiencing pain while bottoming, then he needs to let you know so you won't feel badly about the situation.

In reality,,, this isn't a terribly difficult problem to overcome in a relationship. If you two have the patience to set down and talk this thru calmly,,,,, I think you will be able to work it out and solve the problem together.

Sincerely,
Jim

[Cuddly]

You make it sound like you're sacrificing something by letting him top you or swallowing his load. You feel like you do everything to please him but he doesn't return the favor? You need to respect his limits, he doesn't want to swallow, fine, he can't bottom, fine. Why he won't bottom for you, we can only guess at, assuming IBS is a lie.
The fleshlight cheating thing is silly - if he doesn't satisfy you, he should be happy you're not actually cheating.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Let me fill in some of the gaps that I left out. Let me first say that my frustration stems from the fact that he seems to have lied to me from the start. Like I said, I've heard about these problems occurring in relationships before, so I tried to avoid that by being honest with him. What the hell would ever make him think I would just give up that want in my sexual life? I would have preferred a straight answer so that I could have decided if I wanted to continue with the relationship before it really got started.

Also, I do not believe he has IBS. I have friend who quite obviously have it. They watch what they eat. Avoiding certain trigger foods, and spending a very long time in the bathroom on many occasions. He doesn't do either of these things. We go out to eat and he orders a bean and cheese burrito with a side of habanero sauce. What man with IBS would ever do that on a regular basis?

As for general appearances, I am almost a head taller than he is. I do probably 60% of the spooning in the relationship. Everything else is about equal. I mean, we are both obviously men, neither of us would ever be considered flamboyant in any way...

I got so frustrated awhile ago that I sought advice from his friends, and even his Ex's... They all said the same thing. Either from stories they heard or from first hand experiences he bottomed on a regular basis for others. He just refuses for me. I mean, it's not like I'm huge. He has much more girth and length than I do.

I dunno. The lack of "fairness" in the relationship is just really irritating me at this point. He won't even admit he's lying. He still sticks to the claim that he too is also versatile, but "for now" I should be content with the way things are. In other words, I should not only not want to top him, BUT NOT SEEK ANY OTHER WAY TO RELEASE THAT URGE................... Just suppress it -.-

Well this new information does rules out various potentials of what he may have thought.

It is clear you haven't mislead him to believe you want to be a bottom or are a bottom. Pretty much shot down IBS.

So going back to the original request of 'Can anyone help me see it through his eyes?'

I'm at a loss - mostly about what he could be thinking.

What is apparent is he wants control of this situation, and something about being topped by you scares him, upsets him.

You are a head taller than him, what about the other guys who had sex with him and reported he bottomed for them? Were they as tall as you?

If not, then there may be a bit more to his past than you may know. And the whole being topped thing by a guy taller (ergo more powerful) than him may be triggering some unpleasant associations.

I can draw things at random out all night long. I could continue to be wrong.

This is the problem with mind reading - it doesn't work.

You need to set a hard limit here and tell him until he talks to you about the real issue there is no more sex. No more of him topping you and you just accepting it as being that way.

If he has a medical problem then you want to know what exactly he has.

If he has another problem then you want to know what it is.

Just tell him you care about him, and thought there was a clear understanding of what you both wanted from the start. Tell him it hurts you when he denies you this thing and you want to understand and work with him on it.

If he still refuses you need to decide what you will and will not accept and if you stay with him or not.

Mind I don't have a problem with being cast into either role. While my first 4 relationships I was cast as total bottom, my last 2 I was cast as total top. And yes the last two told me they were versatile. They lied, I got over it and accepted it.

The value of the trade was made up for in the other aspects of the relationship. Placing some sort of 'value' to all of these things and weighing them out is something you need to do for yourself.

I strongly suggest you get some idea of the value of your roll in bed as compared to the other stuff in the relationship, and try to figure out a way to explain to him how you value this stuff.

It may also help if you write down your observations of the past and what you were lead to believe and hand him a printed paper hard copy with your thoughts clearly defined. This keeps him from interrupting you and pushing the topic away from the subject.

Good luck.