In love with the unloved!?

[LEANDRONJ]

It is sad to see how many people (gay, straight, or anything in between) are so quick at getting in your pants, especially if one of them is already in a relationship. But the last thing, if they ever felt it, is being interested in the person, much less the possibility for a much deeper emotional connection.

I am currently friends with someone whose relationship is on the rocks, and even thou I can sense a mutual sexual attraction between us, I dare not cross that line. I will never be sexually interested in someone who is already in a relationship, out of respect for the unaware significant other.

I love this guy. He is everything I want in a partner. But damm It can be very frustrating to see a friend I have feelings for, be in a toxic relationship, and see him slowly deteriorating/changing from being sweet and affectionate to being bittered and practically helpless, because his partner is not putting his fair share, both emotionally and sexually, into the relationship.

[ChadCoxRox]

So you can't rescue him and be his hero? Or is he too enmeshed or frail to try such? Is there any reason why he can't know the real extent of your true feelings to he has option and a sense of worth beyond where that sick relationship is leading him? You are not the one encroaching or destructing if you are making things genuinely better. Sometimes boundaries can be counter-productive. So sorry to read this post. It is so discouraging because life is simply to short not to live each day like it's the last in the love around us. I hope you don't just suffer right along with him because you deserve fulfilling love with someone too.

[LJay]

Time to maintain distance and stay aware of the situation. If they really do split up, then you make you dicision. For now, you can do nothing. And tha includes hanging around the situation.

[ShiftyNJ]

I agree that is hard to watch. But I suspect that -- if you remain a good friend to him when things go to shit, as they inevitably will -- your patience may be rewarded. But first you may have to help him heal.

[LEANDRONJ]

So you can't rescue him and be his hero? Or is he too enmeshed or frail to try such? Is there any reason why he can't know the real extent of your true feelings to he has option and a sense of worth beyond where that sick relationship is leading him? You are not the one encroaching or destructing if you are making things genuinely better. Sometimes boundaries can be counter-productive. So sorry to read this post. It is so discouraging because life is simply to short not to live each day like it's the last in the love around us. I hope you don't just suffer right along with him because you deserve fulfilling love with someone too.

Thank CCRox! believe me that has already crossed my mind! I can't stand seeing him suffer and change from the sweet person, that according to his closest friends he once was!

I forgot to mention that he is in a 7 year relationship! he told that he still loves him very much, but he is unhappy because his partner's is becoming increasingly emotionally unstable, and that from one day to the next he doesn't know what to expect from him !? and my reply to him was....maybe you are confusing love with having gotten use to loving someone, who doesn't love the way you deserved to be loved! I also told him that love is not a feeling of getting use to it, but that true love is constantly evolving, it doesn't stay stagnant! I am slowly trying to make him love himself foremost! today I suggested to him that he should take sometime off the relationship, and take some time for himself, so that he could breath and think easier, as I feel this relationship is slowly suffocating him.

[LEANDRONJ]

Time to maintain distance and stay aware of the situation. If they really do split up, then you make you dicision. For now, you can do nothing. And tha includes hanging around the situation.

Thank Ljay! I feel the only thing I could do is letting him decide for himself what to do! I fear that if I influence and have him change his mind because of me, there wouldn't be a total closure to an emotional wound I have nothing to do with!

For now I could only but wait for them to split!? although is kind of hard, because there is this sexual tension between us as of lately! my only option is to keep being a supportive friend, I guess! :confused: thank you

[jimcrackcorn]

Relationships can be quite complex, especially when the couple has been together for several years.

You are right in keeping your feelings for him suppressed for the time being. You don't want to be the guy who helped destroy another couples relationship, and that's what people will think of you if you jump in to soon. You also don't want to become the rebound guy who winds up being dropped after a few months.

This is one of those situations where you need to remain friends with the guy and be supportive while keeping your own emotions in check until the time is right.

Best wishes,
Jim

[Beaux]

Years ago, I was really good friends, best friends even, with this guy who we will call Johnny. I ended up moving away to another state, but Johnny and I maintained our friendship via telephone, so when he met his boyfriend (who we will call Chuck), I heard all about him and the same holds for Johnny knowing about the guy I was in a long term relationship with. Anyway, when I broke it off with the guy I had been living with, I moved back to the city where Johnny lived and he offered to let me stay with him and his husband (of 7 years by this time) Chuck until I could find a suitable apartment for myself.

From the moment I met Chuck, I felt a strong sexual attraction to him and I could tell that the feeling was mutual, however, not wanting to be a "home-wrecker" I kept my distance and ignored my feelings. Soon enough, I found myself a nice apartment and packed up to move out. Chuck had a truck, so he offered to help me move into my new place. As we were loading up my things, Chuck confessed that he was deeply attracted to me and felt that there was an emotional connection between us that went deeper than just sexual attraction, and I admitted to him that I felt the same way. He went on to tell me that he and Johnny had been having trouble in their relationship, but we both agreed that it would be a bad idea for us to hook up while he and Johnny were still together. Also, I considered Johnny my best friend and I just couldn't do that to him. Chuck said that he understood and we agreed to remain friends, which we did.

Skip forward a couple of months, and Johnny invited me to come over and have dinner with him and Chuck after I got off work that evening. So, after work I drove to my apartment and changed cloths and then headed over to their house. When I got there Chuck's truck was not in the drive way, but there was a car there that I didn't recognize. I just figured that they had invited someone besides myself to dinner, and went up to the door to ring the bell. However, when I got to the door it was already wide open with just the screen door shut but unlocked. I called out, but no one came to the door. After standing there a moment, I realized that I could hear voices coming from down the hall and decided to let myself in, expecting that whoever was there before me were probably talking and visiting and just didn't hear me when I called out.

Boy was I wrong! As I walked down the short hallway, it became apparent that the voices that I had heard were NOT involved in "conversation"! As I slowed my roll and made it to the door way into the den, I saw Johnny and an unknown man (well, unknown BOY really--he couldn't have been older than 17) energetically 69ing on an ottoman in the center of the den! They had not seen me and I quickly turned around and made my escape as quietly as I could!

Parking at Chuck and Johnny's house was limited and when I first arrived I hadn't wanted to take Chuck's parking place, so I had parked across the street. I jumped into my car and headed back towards my house with out any intention of returning, but I hadn't even made it two blocks before I saw Chuck's truck headed my way......and he saw me. Chuck flagged me down and wanted to know why I was leaving, and I REALLY didn't know what to say! I guess he could tell from my expression that I was extremely embarrassed and didn't want to answer his questions. He immediately figured out that something was wrong and began to grill me wanting an answer! Finally I told him, "I can't tell you...I just can't, but park your truck a block away from your house and go inside quietly and you will probably make it there in time to see what I saw.", then I drove away.

A few hours later, Chuck showed up at my house. I could tell he had been crying, so when he asked if he could crash on my couch for the night, I didn't ask any questions, I just got him a blanket and a pillow.

The next morning, Chuck woke me up giving me head. We ended up dating for 3 years (and living together for over two of those years). We are still the best of friends and talk to each other every couple of weeks. Johnny never forgave me, but I don't regret any of it.

Long story, I know, but what I hope you take away from it is this: Wait for your moment, and when it comes go for it 110% Balls-In!

~Beaux

[LEANDRONJ]

jimcrckcorn,

I've being there, and I know how difficult it was for me living with someone, who all of the sudden made a 360 degree turn of what I was used to living with. Nor it is easy living with someone who doesn't make an effort to improve, not necessarily change, but at least improve, or the very least try to deal with a change or whatever problem they may have!? especially when you loved them very much, but as my friend put its "I feel as if he no longer loves me. He doesn't want to spend time with me, make love to me, or even do outside activities with me! and no matter one try to explain or find out why, it is still very hard for the person in the relationship who wants to make it work while the other doesn't make any efforts.

I've always had a healthy friendship with my friend, but lately I sense a lot of sexual tensions, in a good way, coming between us! I admit to have very strong feelings for him, but when he voluntarily calls me to get together, I am the one who needs to be in control, otherwise if I don't the friendship would most likely turn into a "friends with benefits" and I also don't want to turn into a rebound.

[LEANDRONJ]

Beaux that was a beautiful story! thank you so very much! I really need it to hear that! I agree that waiting for the right moment does have its rewards. I have plenty of stories where that is a proven fact! I want him to be happy, but seeing him unhappy and changed from the person he used to be is not an easy thing for me to accept, when all I want is to see him deserving of being loved. And like CCRox commented before, sometimes I feel as I am robbing him from that. So I am somewhat still a bit confused because I understand that everyone's point are valid.