Soul Searching

[Borg69]

Jason -

I hope I wasn't too rude in my post in your other thread. I've been thinking about your situation, and have come to the realization that I was more concerned with MY loss over your predicament. How do *I* lose in all this, you ask???

Well... here's the thing... I've seen all your pictures, and I find you hugely attractive. While I've had numerous boyfriends, I've still spent the majority of my life single and hoping for that "Mr. Right" to come along. Even though I'm in a relationship NOW, I still have all those years of hoping... waiting... wanting... and hearing your story, and knowing that you were out there... avoiding (gay) life... avoiding ME (because it's ALL about ME!!! ) and wondering what kind of life/friendship we could have had had we found each other decades ago... and in that "all about ME" frame of mind know that you're going to change that beautiful MALE form made me sad.

So, really it was coming from something totally stupid and irrational on my part, being selfish over something that was never really MINE to begin with. *IF* that makes any sense at all ??? I think you're beautiful as you are, and I guess part of me would hate to see that go away or be replaced with something different.

I DO want YOU to be happy though.

[ShiftyNJ]

Yes, I think it's awesome to explore this and I think you're doing it very sensibly. I have met a number of trans folks in the past ten years and it has certainly opened my eyes.

[ShiftyNJ]

First off I am not at the Grand Canyon anymore and left at the end of July and came to Colorado where I worked last winter. I also looked into a gender identity place in Denver and emailed them and they said that I should call them when I am ready to come in and talk to them and I can set up an initial appointment and they can get an idea of where I am at.

The fee for the first visit is like $25 and then every visit with a therapist is like $15 which is a steal and so worth it. They also have various group meetings for transgender people so I would set up a time to get the inital counseling and then also that day hopefully go to a meeting as well.

I have looked heavily into what it would take to live as a woman without taking hormones and all that at the moment and I could buy things that make me look like a woman like breast forms and bras, dresses, wigs and shoes (though I could never see myself in heels) I do find myself wearing stuff under my male clothes that make me feel feminine and my true self. I have watched vidoes and they say what you can do now to start living as a woman that are kind of hush hush so I am getting those pointers.

I belong to several transgender forums as well and getting advice and support so that is helpful as well. I told my mom and a few friends and they are cool with it.

As with doing drag I have no interest in doing that and I find that people that do drag are doing it for a show and I have never been even drawn to drag shows because in all honestly most of the ones that I have seen don't even look good in drag. I am not saying that I am going to make a hot female but I am just saying that most drag queens don't do the dress up for the reasons that I will want to dress up. I want to be a woman. To be honest as well some drag queens look better as guys, just saying.

This is a crazy road that I am on and every day is something new that I am learning about myself and perhaps I will get to the finish line and become a woman and that would be amazing and such a life shifting change for me or perhaps I won't and I will live full time as a woman by dressing like one and going to work as one. Though finding a job where that wouldn't be an issue would be hard.

I am still the same guy that I have always been except inside I want to be a woman. I am still very much attracted to men but instead of wanting to be totally dominate as I was in the past at times, I want to be totally submissive in a relationship with a guy or having sex with a guy. I used to be so hung up on that in the past acting like whoever the bottom is that they are looked down upon as weaker but I don't see that like that anymore. I think some people just enjoying being more passive than others and for me like I just like it because I feel like if I do become a woman that I will still enjoy having a man take control of the situation with me.

Well anyway sorry for the novel, every day I am learning something new about who I really am and what I truly want to be.

I would say it's probably VERY important to use the methods you describe to see what you feel like living publicly as a woman before you do anything that is not easily reversed.

Some, maybe MOST of the toughest people I know are women.

[Jason74]

Hey Borg69

No I wasn't offended or taken back by what you had to say and you were just being honest about you felt about the entre bombshell that I put in the forum and I totally respect what you had to say and I feel that you are a good person and I am glad that you can be upfront. I wish you had the confidence to tell me what you felt years ago and perhaps with all my traveling we could have met and just became friends and what not. I think what people don't understand is that no matter what happens in my life that its going to be a long journey and nothing is going to happen overnight.

My only goal that is in my horizon is buying certain things so I can go out dressed in public as a woman and then see how that goes and makes me feel. I really don't think its as a drag queen or cross dresser or anything. Its about how I feel about myself as a woman and if I can feel like a woman when going out in public dressed up then that is awesome and then my confidence will just build up and up until I can make other choices like hormones to develop breats and what not, small baby steps is what I am trying to make.

I belong to these forums for transgender for both male and female and I mentioned that I had a beard and all of them are like you have to shave that off right now or you are going to be trapped inside forever and its like WTF? I don't think what you have on the outside is really what you have on the inside. So I cannot feel and want to be a woman by keeping my beard? That is complete BS if I have ever heard anything in the first place. Most of these so called girls are all in there 50s and 60s and telling me what I am and what I am not simply because of my beard.

In all honesty I am keeping the beard cause winters in the Rockies can be cold and I am outside all the time and skiing and what not so I am keeping it until I am confident enough to go out dressed in public and make any bigger choices. So I am still the same guy that all of you have come to known, except you know two things that you didn't know about me before. I like to wear womans clothing because I am a female that is stuck inside a male body, pretty simple things, lol

[Borg69]

Everyone likes their titles to call themselves. It's kind of like a badge of honor for most... a way of confirming their self identity. So they map out whom and what they are within that identity/title. When you do your own thing finding who you are, that breaks down the walls of their own self identity.

Cross dressers. Female Impersonators. Drag Queens. Transvestite. Transsexuals. "Tranny's". Genderfuck. Generally on the surface all are basically similar in that it's a dude in a dress. Dig deeper and folks have very strict opinions on what each title is, or is not. For those of us whom aren't going through it those distinctions are pretty hard to follow and understand.

[Jason74]

I found out about this:

http://archive.bebo.com/c/photos/view?Me...5599085832