The New Me!

[Jason74]

I thought that I would go ahead and re-introduce myself since just recently I have discovered something about myself that is a big game changer when it comes to my life and that is just recently I came to the conclusion that I am transgender and that is why you will notice that I just recently changed from being gay to transgender. Its something that has always been with me since I was a teenager but just supressed the feelings until just recently wnen they came out and I realized that this is who and what I am.

Of course it really doesn't change everything about me as a person but it does change how I feel on the inside and how I feel and look on the outside. I have always been pretty masculine on the outside and very manly. I was in the US Army for 3 years and was stationed at Fort Sill, OK for 2 years and then I went to South Korea for a year and then I got out. I came out of the closest as a gay man when I was 22 years old and was very involved in going out and partying and dating other guys for a length of time.

I even remember the days when i used to dance up on the boxes in the gay bars shirtless (what the hell was I thinking), as you can see from my picture link on the bottom I am very much into the outdoors and hiking and each summer for the last 4 years I have skied an avaerage of 300 miles per summer and actually this past summer I think I only did like 200 something but they still were all great and fun. After coming out of the closet I went back in 6 years later when a bf cheated on me and then up until recently I had sex with another guy for the first time in over ten years.

When I was 13 years old I discovred something about myself that would change my life forever and that is when I realized that I was stuck in the wrong body and that I should have born a woman and I supressed it over the years and sometimes it would resurface for a bit and then go away and then come back again. I had never really been attracted to females and yet I had been sexual a few times with them just to test myself to make sure that I was really gay.

Well recently I had a brief three week relationship with a female and I thought somehow something had changed and I was no longer gay but I was fighting with some demons that would soon tell me that I am transgender and I though to myself there is no way that I am this way and that I want to be a female but then after looking at forums and what not I realized that I really do.

I do dress up in female clothes in the privacy of my own room and I do wear stuff like panties, tights and things like that. I just recently shaved my entire body for the hell of it except for my arm hair, facial hair and the head on my scalp. I don't really consider myself a cross dresser because its more to me than just dressing up in the female clothes, I feel feminine and girlish when I am wearing these items.

Just recently in the last month or so I have spent lots of money on female clothes from a swimsuit cause I like how it makes me feel, to body shapers and things like that. For instance today I went out and bought a skirt and a dress and a top that makes me feel like I am feminine and girlish. I will actually end up sitting in my room watching tv while wearing these things. Like right now I am wearing panties, tights and a dress while I am writing this and it just feels so comfortable and natural.

I know that guys are turned off by things like that or transgender men but in all honesty I really don't care because I didn't hook up with people when I didn't say I was transgender and I did come out already on the confession room and the responses were amazing and people were cool. I am still the same guy and I still love skiing in the winter and I still enjoy just the everyday things that I enjoyed before. Except I want to be a woman and I want to live as one and my first steps are too dress in public and gain some confidence and not care about the people that look.

I have no clue if I will ever take hormones or grow breasts or even get the ultimate goal of surgery but I know that this is not a phase and that this is really me and what I am about and I need to stop worrying about how people react to it and just have the confidence in myself to be who I really am no matter what. I have looked into a gender indenity place in Denver, CO that I am going to go to sometime this winter and talk to them and perhaps go to a few meetings with other transgender people and see how that goes.

My ultimate dream right now is to make friends with someone else that is TG and dress up together and go out in public together and enjoy who and what we are without being so worried about other things. I think it would be cool to boost my confidence and someone elses confidence by dressing together in public, that is just the first major step that I need to do and then its other steps that I will see what are when I go to that interview sometime this winter. Well anyway if anyone can relate to what I am going through or wants to give me advice feel free to email me at Jtvh74 at Gmail dot com. Love to hear feedback that perhaps you do not want to post here

I can truly accept it and if its hate mail that is fine as well, i want all sides of this and how people feel about it if they want to post it

[palbert]

I say congratulations and welcome to the "new you." Enjoy being yourself. Best of luck.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I know that guys are turned off by things like that or transgender men but...

I actually disagree. Maybe -some- guys are turned of by it, but I think it's like anything out there from being gay to being Asian to being short or tall, hairy or not, etc. It's a preference. An acquired taste. Some like, some don't ... and for some it doesn't matter one way or the other, yeah?

I'm speaking from experience, since I'm one of those that it doesn't matter one way or another.

My ultimate dream right now is to make friends with someone else that is TG and dress up together and go out in public together and enjoy who and what we are without being so worried about other things. I think it would be cool to boost my confidence and someone elses confidence by dressing together in public, that is just the first major step.

I think this is a terrific idea for a major first step. Having a "gal pal" (that's what you're describing was referred to by a friend in my past) to hang out with and go shopping with, etc, can really boost the confidence. It can also accelerate your learning curve on things like feminine body language, makeup and grooming tips, etc.

[East]

Hi Jason...Welcome to GS again as a Transgender person. I hope you begin to feel more comfortable in your skin...it is a brave step to take for anyone.

[Cuddly]

Good for you!

Since you specifically asked to see all sides of this, I will share my honest reactions inspite of how hurtful or judgmental they may be. Just know that I do not intend to hurt you and wouldn't have written anything hurtful, if not for the sake of your own request. <3
My immediate reaction was, oh shit, he's 40 and has been carrying this inside him for all this time? That must've hurt. But he seems so macho - maybe he has been covering it up, excessively, for so long? Or maybe it's just a phase? Maybe he just wants attention, I mean, it seems pretty obvious if you're born with the wrong body, how could it take 40 years to admit to this?
I read all the transgender articles that find their way into my hands and they've usually teenagers (I read about a child trying to cut off his penis :'( ), not full grown men! Is it possible to transition so late in life, when the body is already fully developed? I imagine it would be alot harder and I fear for his looks. He's a handsome guy, but surgery and hormones may turn him into a very ugly lady. How will he ever be happy? He's not happy in his own skin, but attempting to change it may make it worse.

Unshielded and likely hurtful. I wish you all the best and hope some transition experts can answer all the questions you probably have.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hi Jason, and Welcome to Gayspeak.

[Jason74]

Hey Cuddly

No I am thankful that you are honest and what you were truthfully thinking and I do appreciate that. I so wish that I would have discovered this years and years ago when I was much younger because then who knows where I would be now, I could possibly be a complete woman, who knows.

I think it took me to realize it trully until I was 40 because I supressed it for so long and perhaps didn't realize that it was really who I was. I have always adored women and there bodies and would see straight porn and see a womans vagina and in the back of my mind I would wish that I had one of those, I know its strange.

The crazy thing is that ever since I did come out of the closet as gay I have always enjoyed lipstick lesbian porn and had wished that I was one of those females. I just have always thought that having the body of a woman would be amazing.

I did too think that it was a phase and really hope that its not because I just came out to everyone here as being transgendered but the crazy thing is that I have thought about being a woman my entire life and it has come and gone. I have always really enjoyed wearing female clothes as well and yeah I know that could be seen as just being a cross dresser but its more than that for me.

When I first started to dress up in womans clothing it was a pure sexual thing and I would get off wearing the clothes and then once I came the clothes would come off and that was it. Its to the point now where I will wear panties, tights and a dress in the privacy of my own home and I am so comfortable and at ease and I don't even get sexually excited anymore and its a pure transgender feeling of how I wish so badly that I was female. I mean I wear a nightie to sleep with panties almost every single night.

I don't really think it hurt me inside because I have always supressed it so deep that it couldn't or hurt me and I would think about it time to time but would think noway that is not how I feel and I would look so badly as a woman but that was all fear of the reality that it is who and what I am and I can't keep burying it every time that it comes around in my feelings about myself.

I really don't want the attention and never been much of an attention whore, lol. Trust me I could find other ways to get attention but by saying that I am really a woman inside and not a man would not be my first choice to get attention.

I mean yeah some guys find me attractive as a guy and perhaps by the time if I do transition to become a female I won't be the most attractive and I wont have that body that I have now but at least I will go out of this world being the true me. For years I cared so much about what other guys thought of me within the gay community until I said to myself why care and just be you and things will work out.

Now I am finding that its that way again and that I am worried about how other people will perceive me and how there attitude will change because I am transgender. Every day I am learning more about this and I feel that I am on the right track.

Like I said I am open to all aspects of this, negative or postive I can deal with it and enjoy each side and there opinion, so thanks cuddly for being honest and upfront, it means so much. Oh by the way you didn't offend me or hurt me in any sort of way, I love people who are honest with me at all times, please never sugarcoat anything.

[Rareboy]

I would agree that you are very handsome as a guy....and our team will miss having you in the game....but I'm sure that by being the person you really want to be....you will be a beautiful person no matter what.

[BlueStar]

Honestly? What I've read is beautiful. Wisdom comes through our path of discovering who we really are, which doesn't end no matter how deep we dig inside. What you want, who you need to be, is who you deserve to be. I'm happy for you, best luck in your new journey.

to GS again!!

[Jason74]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and support, this has been a very interesting few weeks and months realizing and discovering new things about myself that I never knew existed within me. I knew that something was there throughout my life but I didnt know that they were this strong. I look in the mirror and say wow you are a good looking guy but I bet you would look good as a woman too and even if you don't at least you will have accomplished what you wanted to do and become a woman.

Though my life path may change and I don't get to that goal but I will know that I faced what I thought were demons but were in fact a genuine woman that wanted to get out and if she gets out by just dressing full time as a woman, to taking hormomes or getting surgery I know that I will have done whatever I can to be who I am truly meant to be. So I appreciate all the kind words, it means so much to me.