Worst Memory of My Life

[gilhooly]

I was born a victory baby on 5/2/46. My parents met the Bolenbaughs before our births at Floyd Bennett Field in NYC. We liked each other when we were both still in our wombs. I fell madly in love with Tom on 6/21/68/ Tom was driven from Iowa, condemned as a faggot and a cocksucker. He fell into my arms and I am still in love with him. Tom died 12/8/97. I have seen him often since then. We worked as spies at first for the FBI, the CIA, State Dept. and the Marine Corps.

Tom was fascinated that my mom knew everyone in Democratic Party from 1930 forward. My mom loved to dance with her lesbian friend, Eleanor Roosevelt. She got Joe and Rose Kennedy to be my godparents. J Edgar Hoover was gay and loved my Uncle James who was gay. Edgar called me his grandson.

At 10 I lost my virginity to a beautiful Nez Perce indian boy from Idaho. Jimmy Joseph's great great grandfather was Chief Joseph. A beautiful man of peace.

Tom and I loved each other shamelessly. Tom in the mid 70's started attending Amnesty International meetings led by a family friend, Sean MacBride. Tom insisted that I go to Paris and listen to Sean's offer. I told Tom I would prefer if Sean dropped by my fathers apartment and talk to both of us. Sean has a background in Irish Republican Army and I hated the IRA for murdering my mom. Fuck the IRA and everyone who likes them.

Sean asked Tom and I to visit the Palestinian camps in Damascus. Tom was enthusiastic and said we would save the Palestinians from everyone. On the day we arrived, Ariel Sharon, made a gesture slitting his throat and pointed towards Lebanon.

Tom was playing football with about 20 kids in Damascus. I was nervous and sat in the dark with green night vision goggles on. It felt bad. Tom said I was always so negative. They marched in with machetes and systematically murdered everyone I could see except Tom.. He was wearing marine fatigues and the killers ignored him.

Tom tried to fight which was a joke. Tom couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. He fell down in a large pool of blood and continuously tripped over body parts as he tried to stand. Tom eventually collapsed.

I approached Tom and realized his body was ten degrees colder than the blood on him. Tom was going into shock. For the next 24 hours, I cowered like a trapped rat trying to protect Tom. I eventually got Tom's unconscious body to the sea and bribed a fisherman to take us to Crete.

We got to Paris. Tom had drunk the water in Damascus which had been flooded with LSD by Oliver North, the one marine I would happily kill to this day. Tom was still babbling and said he was alright. He told Sean, his hero, that he had done nothing wrong. Tom had no idea what I did.

I stared at Tom and said "I saved your life." Tom laughed and told Sean that I was very violent and he hoped I didn't kill the 2000 Palestinians who died that night.

I testified to everyone at AI and took a polygraph. I reminded my family friend Sean MacBride that I had never killed anyone in my life. I was trained by experts against using undue force.

Tom informed me that I was a coward for not saving the Palestinian camp in Lebanon. After that I told Tom I would kill Sean, any member of Amnesty Intl if they ever came near me. I told Sean to shove the Nobel Peace Prize up his ass. "You are just another fucking user, like every politician on this planet."

I didn't speak to Tom for five long years. Sean was bright enough not to show up and have a shot of Canadian whiskey with my dad. Finally, my confessor, Father Jimmy Gilhooley, encouraged Tom and I to make up. We did. Since I met Tom, I told Tom to stop using the word hate in my presence. "I have not and will not hate Hitler or anyone else. People who love to profess their hatreds are the fuckers who start war.

Tom had the good sense to never suggest that I should hate the same people that he and his friends in Amnesty.

Biggest problem in my life, I still have nightmares about that night. I wake up and can't stop the sounds of people screaming in fear as they are being butchered.

I feel guilt over what happened. Everyone else says the whole thing was really unimportant.

I've asked my neighbors does anyone care about ISIS. They tell me I must be mentally ill to worry about such things. People have no responsibility for the actions of their government. All people are victims and are entitled to whine and blame others.

Every fucking criminal I meet, says he is a victim.

I feel guilt. I think I should try to hide my guilt down an alley in some country. I should hide and the bastards destroying the world get richer and richer. Fucking Oliver North is still on TV spouting his religious views.

Being a pagan is dangerous. I was told I had free will and a soul. I decide whether I wind up in heaven or hell. Most people say I am mentally ill because I see ghosts of dead friends whose lives I saved.

At least a cheerful ghost is better than no one. By the way, Tom said that many of the young Palestinians said thanks for showing up that night. "Hey, Tom, did you tell them you stayed unconscious until we reached Crete,.

I love Tom. I want to meet him in heaven, I may just punch his face in. I will grin a lot and promise to have sex with him after I break his nose.

Anybody got lousy memories to share or a quick cure for nightmares?

One person said I should exercise more control over my nightmares. He said decent people don't tell others of painful memories. I do Tai chi to control my desire to punch people. Keeps me humorous. Someone in heaven better grin. Hey, Jesus, watch out. I still have a bit of a temper. Let's have fun and crucify some politicians, preachers and commentators. Maybe they'll feel guilt instead of us.

[spilovn]

My dad left when i was two and for a while it was me, my mum and my sister then my mum had a new boyfriend called colin, he had a dark beard and drank beer, he loved me, the youngest, i called him col-col but he didnt like my sister.

One day me and sister fighting and i told her to eff off, colin came in from another room very mad, my sister said she said it and he washed out her mouth with soap, she went to hospital.

Sometime colin left my mum but i continued to see him on weekends, he brough me computers, gave me money, he loved me lots

He would let me stay up really late to watch wcw wrestling, i loved the wrestler sting, i loved going there to spend time with him

Then one day he took me to a fair and he went in a beer tent and i went around the fair on my own and then he was acting strange, he was drunk and i was scared and told him i wanted to go home and when my mum came out she saw him and started shouting and i went inside and i never saw him again.

[ShiftyNJ]

I can see lower Manhattan from my street.

[palbert]

Kinda at a loss . . . .

[East]

Looking in the eyes..... and feeling the fear and pain of my friends and acquaintances that were about to die from AIDS. It will never leave me. I used to hate that it will never leave me but now I am OK with it....I am used to it.

[MikeW]

You should write a memoir or autobiography, gilhooly. For yourself if no one else but I, for one, would read it avidly. I'm fascinated by those who have such connections… and you've obviously been down the rabbit hole. Sometimes, I think, it helps to take a traumatic experience and write it out in as bloody detail as possible, really dwell on it. Get it outside the mind. It might make the nightmares worse for a time. If you have the skill, you might try adding personal and imaginative narrative and characterization. Who were these people who met such a ruthless end? Even if you didn't know them in fact, inwardly, perhaps you do.

My life, by comparison, has been rather benign. There have been moments of horror and shame, even guilt, but I vowed long ago not to regret overly much. Life is what it is and we all do the best we can in any given moment. This is often difficult to accept because so often such moments show us things about ourselves we'd rather not see.

My worst memory? Perhaps the night my first partner went into convulsions from a brain tumor and began puking up green bile? His last words to me in the emergency room: "The morphine isn't doing the trick." There's the time my dad used me for target practice with his 22 rifle, I've mentioned here previously. Shocking but not only due to the act itself but the realization that followed from it: From that moment forward I would never trust him ever again. Perhaps the moment I realized that my second partner, Thomas, was missing. At the time we were living separately, he in Boston, I here in the Bay Area. He'd been behaving oddly but that in itself wasn't unusual. But after several emails and phone calls went unanswered, I asked his 18yo son to check on him. The call back was clear: He was gone. He'd abandoned everything leaving only a note saying, "I've gone to find sunshine and a sandy beach upon which to die."

More recently (all the rest was ages ago now) was a betrayal by someone whom I'd considered a friend for well over 20 years. Don't want to go into details but suffice it to say it has cost me tremendously not only financially but in terms of my mental and physical health. It has taken me months to even begin to regain my footing.

Life sucks when it isn't being blessed or just plain ordinary.

[gilhooly]

East made a great point. One of the reasons Tom and I were having problems in 1981 was AIDS. We hung out at the Continental Baths and the 92nd St YMCA. Both of us were shell shocked from going to funerals of friends who died of AIDS.

I preferred going to funerals, making quilts and seeing families of friends who died. Tom grew up utterly distant from any sense of family. Tom was beaten by his father since the age of 3 because he liked to read books rather than play sports.

Tom went to Amnesty Intl meetings to gain solace. He revered Sean MacBride and wanted to save the world. I preferred to survive each day of my life. From birth to today, I have a good impression of life. Some of it was so hideous I want to forget. Some of my memories of Tom are perfectly preserved and still make me laugh out loud.

This is my worst memory because Tom and I never resolved our differences. I still expect to see Tom after I die. I will pin Tom down and sort this memory out in detail.

I'm not sure if I am used to it, but I do accept that if you want to feel pleasure with your friends, you must take the shit that goes with that. Grin and bear it, they say.

[gilhooly]

After the slaughter of cartoonists in Paris, Sean Hannity at Fox brought on Bill Donohue of the Catholic League. Donohue applauded the murders in Paris. He said good Roman Catholics should have murdered those guys when they make fun of the Pope or Jesus Christ.

I want to tell everyone, I know 2 gay Catholics in heaven. They think Bill Donohue is a fucking idiot on his way to hell. Jesus never supports killers, terrorists or foul mouthed freaks like Donohue and Hannity. They are INFALLIBLE. They know gay men go to hell because we enjoy anal intercourse.

Fuck you, assholes. Prove to me that Jesus ever talked to stupid brain dead zombies that appear on Fox TV. Jesus died for his friends. He did not encourage anyone to crucify anyone. He took the blame and endured the pain.

Fuckers on Fox like to insult gay men like me. I actually saved the lives of real people and am still alive. I like seeing ghosts of people whose lives I saved.

Catholic hypocrites on TV should have their mouths stapled. Stop telling lies about Jesus. Christians do not condemn anyone for their race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, gender or age. God wrote the founding documents of Amnesty International. They are encoded directly into our DNA.

Everyone can tell the difference between right and wrong EXCEPT for ignorant fuckers who appear on Fox. They get paid 60 million a year to protect the rich. They are convinced the poor and middle class will die and worship rich people in heaven. Jesus said it was easier for a rich man to climb through the head of a needle than for rich men to go to heaven.

When I die I look forward to dropping a millstone on their heads. I am certain Jesus will break out with a big grin when he sees homophobic assholes take a punch.

The Gates of Heaven are protected by guys like me. My judge is Micah. He had sex with other boys before he got married 5000 years ago. He enjoyed fucking his friends like all normal guys do. We can't procreate in heaven but we still enjoy sex in heaven. I can't wait until I attend my FIRST male orgy in heaven.

Like the rest of my friends, you will spot us with shit eating grins on our faces. We will quietly ask if GaySpeak members are horny and want to hang out with us. The largest gay ski resort is located in Antarctica. The house band is called BRAIN DEAD ZOMBIES. The gorgeous guy who is lead singer is Kenny Pennebacher. He was from BUFFALO. He died like a hero at Danang. He saw another marine shot and he attempted to reach him. He was machine gunned by the VC.

Kenny went to heaven. He told my dead friend Tommy Mullins that he absolutely loved losing his virginity to me at Camp LeJeune. I was happy to relieve Kenny of his virginity. Kenny looked me straight in the eye and said he was inducted on his 17th birthday. He said "John, I occasionally wake up stuck to my mattress. Do you have any idea what is coming out of my body. I am stuck to my bed."

Guys, I was delighted to show Kenny that sex with me was better than a wet dream. I wowed Kenny. He loved being fucked. Thought penetration was a lot more fun than thinking about war.

I always check on my other dead friends when I talk to Tommy Mullins, Tom Bolenbaugh or my confessor Fr. Jimmy Gilhooley. I saved my confessors life twice. He was an activist priest in NYC who led rent strikes, union marches and campaigned against the effects of poverty. One time a man with a chainsaw attacked Jimmy. I took the chainsaw away. Another time Jimmy was held captive at a Chinese sweat shop in the South Bronx. I kicked open the door and shot the lights out. I like being a gay guy good with a gun.

I don't want to sound strange BUT when I asked Tom to go on our first date, I told Tom that my adopted grandfathers, J Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolsen of the FBI thought it would be a good idea for gay men to know how to steal a nuclear bomb. Tom and I became experts on nuclear, biological and chemical warfare. We weren't just gay, we were brilliant with weapons of all sorts.

We were Maytag repairmen to defective warheads. We had fun blowing up old planes in Oklahoma with fertilizer bombs. We were the first 2 gay guys to be vaccinated for the ebola virus in 1992.

My neighbor and Tai chi coach says I look like I'm spoiling for a fight. He says I then surprise him when I burst out laughing at someone who talks snotty to me.

Well guys. My cousin Tom retired as head of White House security. My cousin John Brennan is current Director of the CIA. Secretary of State John Kerry got pissed with me when I told him he liked the Heinz fortune of his wife. John was afraid to insult me because I still know a lot of donors to the Democratic Party. My god mother Rose Kennedy did not raise me to be a fool. Best of all, virtually everyone in the Democratic Party was terrified of my mom, Peg Gilhooly. I loved my mom and I thought she was outrageously funny. Some people knew my mom was fearless and she could scare you silly by opening an unwanted door to your future.

I love being the keeper of family secrets. I loved knowing that Joe Kennedy, Jr was gay and in love with my Uncle James Gilhooly. Tom and I loved to fuck each other in all the outrageous places that Edgar and Clyde liked. I loved being a member of a majority gay Irish family. Best of all, everyone swears to this day that we are all straight.

This not my fault. I was trained to fight and kill as a member of my family. My Uncle John Gilhooly was head of the Westies, Shamrocks and every Italian family in NY came to his funeral. People seem to be afraid to piss off my family'

Guys, I still get pissed off when I think of how my cousin John Lennon got murdered at his mailbox. People seem to enjoy killing my relatives. Joe Kennedy was murdered by Elliott Roosevelt because he was annoyed at how close his lesbian mother was with my mother. Ted Kennedy's windshield was struck by a 40 oz. beer bottle. Ted was drunk and swerved. The car went off the bridge at Chappaquidick. My brother in law George McGuire threw the bottle. He watched that girl drown in Ted's car. I was really glad when someone murdered George.

You never, ever, get told the TRUTH by the media. They feed you a diet of shit to keep you sedated and pliable. You will vote for any idiot the two parties throw at you. When the dust settles. the richest people in the world always win.

I'm deep down a nice guy who dislikes interfering in other's peoples business. Most Americans demand a stupid response from the government and get it.

People say they want security. Go see the movie the Sniper. You cannot protect yourself from me. I am an extremely well trained gay sniper. Between your front door and your car, I can definitely get a high powered bullet in you. This is a family secret. You have no protection from snipers. BOOM your dead and life will continue without you. Yes, it will continue without me BUT I still have a sense of humor because you are at risk from me and I am not at risk from you.

Even gay guys like having tough gay friends!!!!!

Marines are first in war and first in peace. Marines are always looking for a few good men. Care to guess how many virgins I bagged. They will all say I was a gentle and kind lover. A lot of guys like a dangerous lover. Makes orgasms more exciting!!!

I was a cute boy. A handsome young man. I am the best looking 68 year old guy in my building. They say I look good in tight jeans and I still have a flat tummy. I don't look like your fat grandfather. Be good to your body. You will be stuck with it until you die.

LOSE SOME WEIGHT AND EXERCISE. A SOUND MIND IN A SOUND BODY. LASTLY, GO FOR IT. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO YOU CAN'T GET OFF THIS PLANET ALIVE. GO FOR SENSATIONS OF LIFE, SCREW MONEY. I INTEND TO BECOME THE PATRON SAINT FOR PANHANDLERS, SAINT JOHN MARREN--THE MONEYLESS GAY GUY FROM NEW YORK CITY.

I HAVE NEVER FELT GUILT ABOUT BEING GAY. IT WAS THE ONE THING I ALWAYS DID RIGHT.

{Wish I had been frugal with money. Pissed it away as fast as it came. Gave lots to charity. Loved animal charities. I will still kill to protect Buster, my cat.}

[MikeW]

[CellarDweller]