She changed on me

[Steve]

That's happened to me many times. Some friends just didn't want to deal with my mental health issues and moved on. Others couldn't see behind the wall I constructed to make people think I'm not rabid, and felt I was making much ado about nothing. In the end they felt like they couldn't respect me somehow. That's all fine with me; I can't hold people accountable for not needing extra drama in their lives.

It's happened when friends get boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives as well. I think its only natural for attention to shift to a significant other to some degree. The other thing is that people change. Most of my friends from 20 years ago have drifted from my daily life and I have difficulty relating to them these days because our lives have taken different paths and we've naturally grown apart. Geography has played its part as well. A long distance friendship is very difficult to maintain long term.

In your case it sounds like this "friend" is somewhat of a chameleon who changes ideology when she changes relationships. I'm going to go out onto a limb and say that after twenty years of friendship your friend probably knows that you're gay. If the boyfriend is the least bit homophobic, that attitude sounds like its taken root in her as well.

People change. Nothing says that you have to be at her beck and call if she's not willing to extend the same courtesy to you. Let her go. This marks a turning point in your friendship with her, one that probably will see you drifting further apart from one another.

Be happy with the friendship you had. Smile for the past.

[Lexington]

Friendships ebb and flow. Right now it doesn't seem like she wants to hang out with you much. Accept that, and focus on your other friendships. If she contacts you again, it's up to you whether or not you want to invest more time and effort into it, and how much.

Lex

[justsaying]

Just wanted to give you the latest update. She emailed me after a few weeks now. During this time I did not make any effort nor did I wanted to. She wrote "Haven’t heard from you…makes me nervous to reach out just in case you don’t want to hear from anyone."

I wrote back "No, I am doing well, thanks and hope you are too".

She is really clueless even though I hammered it into her head about 2 months ago how she has changed and not even bothered to meet up for a coffee. Anyways I think I will let this one go, no sense in me bringing up the topic again. If I do she will turn the blame back on me and make me feel like the wrong one.

I think she just wants to keep the doors open to our virtual communication open just in the event that she needs web design work.

She thinks I am sitting at home and not talking to anyone, meanwhile I am going out with my other friends and having a blast. Now that I think of it, she really did not bring much to the table.