I totally F*cked up

[DreamMaker]

So... my first thread will be about confessions hehe, great start I presume.
I have a user on gayromeo and I've been talking with a guy.
He really wanted to meet me, I wasn't so stoked about it, although I said yes, but then cancelled.
I feel really bad. Not as a result of that specific scenario, but I recognized a theme and a pattern that I afraid of this intimacy and rejection.
I really want a relationship and then instantly feel like no one really is attracted to me or wants my company or will think I'm weird.
It leads me to mistrust everyone if they show me compassion or interest.
Any advice on that...? Or are you familiar with it yourself?

[MikeW]

Yeah, I'm sure a lot of us are familiar with being shy or insecure for whatever reason. Some of us humans really like to tie ourselves up in knots. The upshot is we keep ourselves "safe" (physically, emotionally, socially) and *alone*.

It all depends on so many things. In what ways do you need to change yourself and in what ways do you just need to accept "I am what I am"? Can you change what really needs changing?

Meeting people invariably involves risks of various sorts. The question is, are you ready to face those risks? One risk is the risk of rejection. Everyone who puts himself out there hoping to meet others invariably gets rejected by someone -- often many someones. So, how do you handle that? To face and accept rejection means having a good enough and positive enough sense of one's self that it isn't crushing. Yeah, it may be a momentary deflation or disappointment, but ultimately no big deal. Shit happens. You get right back out there and keep meeting guys, etc.

But if you're feeling insecure about yourself that's what you need to work on first, IMO. Again, it all comes down to identifying the things that a) need changing; b) you can change; and c) can't be changed and so need to be accepted for what they are.

For example, I have to accept that I'm 66 years old, bald, wrinkles and age spots. I can't change that. I'm also a particular personality type, I can't change that. Not everyone I find attractive is going to find me attractive either physically or in terms of personality. I accept this about myself.

That said, there are things I can work on. I can improve my body, for example -- even at my age working out regularly makes a difference not only in how I look, but in my overall health (physical and mental) and sense of self. I can do that. Watching what I eat to keep my body fat down is not only good for me physically, it's good for me socially. I work at that. Learning to smile more when meeting new people, letting my particular 'quirks' show through. I laugh at myself, my situation. I can be serious or silly. I know how to ask someone a question, get them talking about themselves if they want. I'm sensitive to subtle cues, or at least try to be -- and etc.

SO… it helps to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, what can be changed and not. What doesn't help is getting myself so tied up in knots that I stay stuck in a life of frustration, loneliness and longing. Been there, done that.

[DreamMaker]

Wow. Thank you for your detailed answer. I appreciate it a lot. Some golden advice here.
I feel like I just have to face rejection again knowing I can handle it and I won't break down.
Thanks

[East]

Oh my...there is a ghost for me I hadn't thought about in years.....

Good news...you can grow out of it....

You are already aware of the dynamics that cause the behavior so you are way ahead of the curve.....impressive really....

When I was your age thought anyone who was attracted to me had something wrong with them. Seriously. My response had a different foundation but fear of intimacy and both fear of approval and rejection played a part in it.

Today...I still fear approval. Everything else fell by the side of the road along the way. I am still afraid of approval... by choice...I equate it with death.

[MikeW]

Wow. Thank you for your detailed answer. I appreciate it a lot. Some golden advice here.
I feel like I just have to face rejection again knowing I can handle it and I won't break down.
Thanks

The rejection thing is just one example.

You've mentioned being "weird" in some way both here and in your intro. So here's a question for you, if you think you're "weird" isn't it highly likely other people will too?

Or, lets look at this another way, what does "weird" mean, anyway? I'm one of the weirdest humans I've ever met (not THE weirdest, I've met some truly bizarre humans in my life). This "I'm weird" badge used to make me feel special, different from other people. I alway thought "weird" was a good thing but I was really surprised to find out how many people thought of "weird" as off-putting! To me its just the other way around. All my friends are "weird" -- they have to be to be my friends. "Normal" is just SO boring, dontchaknow. So, in a way, self identifying as "weird" was a defense -- a way of deflecting positive attention from "normal" folk. Is that what you want?

Now I don't know you. You may be truly wack-o for all I know. I'll say this, though: "Weird" is relative. You may not be nearly as "weird" as you think you are or hope you are. It may be you're just UNIQUELY YOU, more or less like everyone else with your own constellation of eccentricities -- the big difference being most other people don't consider their unique qualities "weird".

So, what's so "weird" about you?

[DreamMaker]

Thanks East. Fear of approval is interesting...

Mike, well, the thing that interest me, the choices I make in my life. I do Astrology part-time and people find it either weird or stupid. And I also make YouTube videos which might seem odd and yep...
I do like being different, I just don't think other would like that too hehe.
And I'm socially awkward in general.

[MikeW]

Thanks East. Fear of approval is interesting...

Mike, well, the thing that interest me, the choices I make in my life. I do Astrology part-time and people find it either weird or stupid. And I also make YouTube videos which might seem odd and yep...
I do like being different, I just don't think other would like that too hehe.
And I'm socially awkward in general.

You need to qualify your thoughts *some* people find astrology weird or stupid. Making youtube videos is odd? Tell that to the millions of people putting up tubes. Hell, even I have a few. As for being different, we're all "different" more or less. In any case we're all unique, no two and all that. Social awkwardness (trust me I know all about that one) usually comes from a lack of self acceptance. When you accept yourself, accept that you are what you are, are interested in what you are interested in, look like you look, etc., … when you really accept yourself, a lot of that just dissipates. So who the hell worth knowing ISN'T? Oh… I know… there are some people who are quite extroverted and capable of walking up to total strangers and just getting them to start talking. I have a friend like that. Totally blows my mind.

However, I *know* her; I know this is just a COVER for her whole world of insecurities. She always puts on the pretty happy smiley face when she's out in public, is quite capable of getting others to talk about themselves. She's willing to divulge superficial stuff about her own life. But dig a little beneath the surface or pry that social mask off her face just a crack and what one discovers beneath is an extremely terrified individual who MUST be liked or completely comes unglued.

Just saying. Yeah, for sure, some people are going to poo-poo you're interests. So? How important is that (not saying it isn't important, saying *how* important is it?). Do I sound like a Capricorn to YOU? (Sun, Moon and Mercury.)

[DreamMaker]

I agree! My mask is being very polite and smiley... although it's also something that's a part of me so... I don't know.
Wow, very Capricorn-y of you. Your straight to the point answers are very Capricorn. And also your avatar. Capricorn people usually don't smile at pictures.
I'm a Pisces Sun and Scorpio Moon- so... very very sensitive.
It's cool you know some Astrology hehe

[East]

Thanks East. Fear of approval is interesting...

Mike, well, the thing that interest me, the choices I make in my life. I do Astrology part-time and people find it either weird or stupid. And I also make YouTube videos which might seem odd and yep...
I do like being different, I just don't think other would like that too hehe.
And I'm socially awkward in general.

Ahhh...astrology...

This one guy I knew did a rather in depth chart for me once and spent a long time interpreting it for me and I think it was one of the best tools anyone ever gave me...I still remember and use it. It was completely accurate and he told me things I thought were my best kept secrets at the time.....so I paid attention afterward and how it SPECIFICALLY helped me is that after that I let go of a lot of things that had previously caused me a lot of anxiety as just a part of me that I should accept...very nice gift indeed.

If I read the Leo thing alone it doesn't really accurately describe me but when you add in the Scorpio rising and Cancer moon it gets a lot more accurate...but when the whole chart was done...99% accurate...eerie at first...but very helpful....

A lot of people make fun of it or ridicule it...so what?...let them! Remember...opinions are like assholes....everyone has one

[DreamMaker]

OMG East, it's epic you actually are experienced with these stuff. It makes me so excited and validated. Thanks