11-27-2014, 05:12 PM
Hi Bluerealm....
I am sorry that happened to you with the shower...that sounds like a horrific nightmare. Do you have any idea why they taped you?
You actually said something that clicked for me...
You see....I know when I got raped as a teenager it was my fault. It wasn't really "my fault" that these guys raped me BUT...I had a crush on the one guy and I was drunk and in the wrong place at the wrong time. My crush wasn't really about sex...I was actually kinda innocent about that at the time. My crush ended....fast...
Funny you mention Christian...some years later I found out he was the pastor at the gay MCC Church...I knew him as a surfer from Santa Cruz....
I don't agree with you about the sex part...I love sex and I loved it with a lot of men but you are right about drinking and doing drugs....99% of the time I was just fine and it was all my choice but the thing that clicked for me after what you said...OF COURSE I was in an environment that left me exposed to the possibility of this happening. I don't know why that never enters my mind when I replay those two things in my mind over and over....this is the "click moment" for me...how could I miss something so simple?
I don't like to think I was vulnerable at all...I can see now that is what really bugged me.....but now that I think about it...I was always more vulnerable than I was ever comfortable admitting......
...and ironically...that is now comforting to me to know that. Hopefully that will end THAT obsession...I am really tired of playing it over in my mind trying to figure out a way to come to terms with it....I think I just might have done it thanks to you....
I am sorry that happened to you with the shower...that sounds like a horrific nightmare. Do you have any idea why they taped you?
You actually said something that clicked for me...
You see....I know when I got raped as a teenager it was my fault. It wasn't really "my fault" that these guys raped me BUT...I had a crush on the one guy and I was drunk and in the wrong place at the wrong time. My crush wasn't really about sex...I was actually kinda innocent about that at the time. My crush ended....fast...
Funny you mention Christian...some years later I found out he was the pastor at the gay MCC Church...I knew him as a surfer from Santa Cruz....
I don't agree with you about the sex part...I love sex and I loved it with a lot of men but you are right about drinking and doing drugs....99% of the time I was just fine and it was all my choice but the thing that clicked for me after what you said...OF COURSE I was in an environment that left me exposed to the possibility of this happening. I don't know why that never enters my mind when I replay those two things in my mind over and over....this is the "click moment" for me...how could I miss something so simple?
I don't like to think I was vulnerable at all...I can see now that is what really bugged me.....but now that I think about it...I was always more vulnerable than I was ever comfortable admitting......
...and ironically...that is now comforting to me to know that. Hopefully that will end THAT obsession...I am really tired of playing it over in my mind trying to figure out a way to come to terms with it....I think I just might have done it thanks to you....