My ex of 8 years and I have recently started speaking again after 3 months of really no communication. We've been discussing what was good and bad in our relationship -- our conclusion has been that we are just really bad at communicating. The feelings have always been there. We love each other dearly. We just don't address things until they get so out of control that we implode. We let our issues get so out of hand that there was no other option but for us to break up and live apart.
We've talked about what we both need in this relationship should we move forward again. I've been making decisions in my life to improve things between him and I. On Sunday, we had a really great conversation where we were just honest with each other. I felt like we hit a new level of trust. He agreed. We want to take it slow and do it right.
The main issue lies in his decision to not completely close the option of seeing other guys in the meantime. He's on all the apps. I was, but not anymore. He has said since we've been talking again, he hasn't talked to other guys as much. He doesn't "intend to" see other guys, but he can't commit to anything past that. He's basically saying I'm his focus for now, but he wants no commitment. I get it to a certain degree. But it also upsets me that I don't know if he's going to find someone on an app that he his somewhat interested in and meet up for coffee or dinner. And then I'll have to be okay with that.
He's a great guy. It has never been in his character to act like this. I want the opinion of someone who may have been in this situation -- or has any insight. I think it's all a guard he has up to not put himself completely out there with me. I really do believe that to be true, but I don't know if that's wishful or logical thinking. I just don't know if I should proceed and hope for the best. Or retreat in fear of getting hurt again.
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I think you have to let him...
You know that saying about setting someone free? It really is true. Everyone is always free to make whatever choices they want to anyway if you think about it. I would like the fact that he is being honest and the truth of the matter is...anyone can meet people at any time and a lot of them do so while they are in a committed marriage/relationship.
I would trust him more just because he has been honest with you....
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My husband and I were together for 5 years when we split. I left him for cheating on me. We were apart for 8 and 1/2 years and started talking agin. Got married and have been together for another 4 years now.
Personally, it would bother me too if he was cruising on an app, but until you both commit, I don't see that you have a lot of choice really.
You could tell him that it bothers you. If it were me, I would tell him that it made me feel as though he was still looking for something better and just keeping me around in case nothing better showed up.
I told Carl (my husband) the first day we spent together after he contacted me over 8 years after I left him, "I am content being single. I date and have a lot of friends and I am not looking necessisarily looking for a relationship at this time. However, I do still have feelings for you and would be willing to give it another go, but only if you are willing to give me the relationship that I want. No cheating, marriage, and a home we build together. Otherwise, I am not interested."
Now, I cannot say that things have been perfect by any means, but I don't regret us getting back together.
Hope that helped some, feel free to PM me,
~Beaux
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It's trickey with there being history there and a lot of it. Obviously no matter how much you intend to start at square1 history is going to have an impact.
I wouldn't expect him to really drop all the dating sites before there is a commitment. I'd just request he be ultra honest with you and let you know if he's connecting with someone as leading you on would not be cool at all. If he's honest and upfront and open to discussing it over time then I'd not overly worry about it. If he was going and hanging out with other guys then you could decide on your own limits. Some are fine with more open relationships and some (like me) couldn't do it.
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Just knowing him as well as i do, I just don't see him purposely hurting me like this. We have a lot of history. At our first meeting after breaking up, our first instinct was to smile at each other. We both commented that hugging each other was the best feeling in the world and we missed it. I know he still loves me on a deep level, which leads me to believe that he's not going to hurt me anymore than necessary.
But it's the idea that it could happen. He could come to me and say there is another guy that I have to compete with (which at that point, I would walk away). I am a strong, assertive person. Agreeing to these conditions goes against my character. My instinct tells me to trust him and that things will work out ok. But it's that chance that I will get hurt in a very real way. It's hard.
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I think it is a good idea to make peace with the fact that you can always get hurt...that is a part of life and it comes with the territory.
I have been with my lover for 30 years now and I know if he ever dies it will hurt me more than everything else in my life has ever hurt me put together... x 10. It scares me...but not enough to say I wouldn't do it all over again in a heartbeat....
You said your instinct tells you it will all be OK...I think you should listen to it.
Honest men are hard to come by...so is love...you have both....
Sometimes in order to keep them you DO have to let them go...if you can do that it will help you grow as a person as well...
Try not to think of it as a competition...it isn't. I do think you should figure out why it isn't.
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I took a big step back from him last week after a lot of reflection. No texts. No reaching out to him first. As I thought would happen, he came back to me with "checking in" texts and small talk before he returned from Thanksgiving break.
He came back Sunday and wanted to have a date night. I basically told him everything was up to him since he has set all these boundaries. He recommended a sentimental activity we've done as a tradition in the past. He then offered to watch movies at his place afterwards. Obviously, things escalated to sex. But everything felt good and natural. It was all on his terms. He initiated everything.
The problem again is that he is now acting distant with me again. I haven't been pushy. I haven't set any ultimatums. I just told him I want to hang out with him more. He agreed, but he is super casual with his responses. Everything is vague. "Later in the week" has been used. We're on two different schedules and I don't think it's too much for me to ask for him to make some sort of effort so we can plan something. But again, everything is vague. No initiative on his part.
He wants to take things slow and do everything right this time, but at what point am I allowed to have certain expectations? He agreed to leave the online apps given that we have resumed a sexual relationship. All I have asked is that we hang out on a somewhat regular basis. Is that too much to ask?
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Level with him. Tell him what you want, then listen to what he wants and is ready to give. If your goals match, keep moving forward. If that is not what you need, then you have to make a clean break and exorcize him from your life for a while. Right now he seems to be getting everything he wants, sex with you and the single life when you're not around. As if he were just keeping you around until someone new comes...
Find out why he's so noncommittal? Are you smothering him? Not knowing your history it's impossible to guess what's going on.
Bernd
Being gay is not for Sissies.
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Well this sounds all convent for him, he gets a lover and all the side sex he wants too....
Seems to me you want monogamy and commitment, he wants an open relationship. you both want different things and you are compromising - no you are actually giving up everything you want to give him what he wants.
It won't end well.
This last episode he got sex from you now has decided to turn cold? That isn't nice.... is it?
I have no idea what rewards he gets from being in a relationship with you. So why does he want to be with you and still have men on the side? That is what you need to figure out and then you need to decide if you want to give him that under his terms.
If not, then you need to tell him that this isn't going to work for you. Yes he most likely will reject you, however its clear that he wants more than you can give, which is already a form of rejection which is hurting you.
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