I predict tears before bedtime.
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It sounds like he's more or less got you as a "backup plan". If nothing's on the front burner, and he's feeling either social or horny, you can expect a phone call. If something else is going on - either socially or sexually - you can expect a "busy - we'll talk later". Nothing wrong with that as long as you're both cool with it, but it sounds like you don't want that. You want to be priority, and he's all but told you you aren't.
Lex
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It sounds to me like he's chosen to be selfish. He doesn't appear to have all that much regard for your feelings anymore, either, even if he did at some point in your past.
I'd say, in your shoes? It would be time to move on. I want (and have) someone who treats me better than I treat myself. Otherwise? There's no damn point in being with them.
In your case, this doesn't appear to be what's happening.
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It's been a weird journey the last few weeks. I've done a lot of thinking and growing. I actually just got back from a roadtrip by myself to the mountains. I did some hiking. Wrote down some life resolutions for 2015. I went skydiving for the first time. It gave me a lot of insight of what I can and can't do. What I want for my life. And how I feel moving forward in regards to this relationship.
The biggest thing I learned is that the past is the past and we don't want that relationship again. Neither of us need it. When I wanted to jump back into a relationship with him, I saw it as a continuation of where we were in August. That will never happen. If anything is going to work for us in the future, we have to start over. Get to know each other again. If we can't build trust and understanding like we had before, there is no reason for moving forward in a relationship.
I don't want that relationship again -- I want him in my life. I'm not seeking out the comfortable relationship. I am seeking him out. Knowing the value he has added to my life in the last 8 years... and what we can offer each other in the future.
We are still in communication with each other. He mentioned that he is off the apps because "they aren't good for him." We don't talk about his "options" at all... it's not my place to discuss it. When I started to stand up for myself, he has changed his stance. When I told him I was ok with moving on because I am in a good place, he offered up lunch tomorrow. He doesn't want to let this go as much as I do. I just think it's going to take a lot of time and patience.
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Hmm that's a tough. I have been in a somewhat similar position with my second bf - we broke up, then talked about reconnecting a few months later, but it was rather nebulous for a while, and neither of us was sure how to behave in the meantime. In my scenario, I was the one in your ex's position - I kept talking to guys on apps like grindr. What ended up happening is that we tentatively agreed to give it another shot, but at the last minute I ended up hooking up with some random guy. I felt really bad about it, and when my ex found out, he didn't want anything to do with me again.
I can tell you that I did what I did for the exact reasons you say - it was a way of avoiding going "all in" with my ex again, because the break up was devastating for me. That's why I still had grindr, and the hook up thing was almost a panic reaction to what I perceived as a certain helplessness in the situation. It didn't mean I didn't still love my bf though, because I did.
So, back to your situation. It's good news that you guys are on your way to reconciling, and it's good news that he is at least being upfront with you about his level of commitment. I do think his action is partially a defense mechanism of a sort, but it's also a little bit of lust pure and simple. I think he still loves you but is open to having sex with someone else before getting back into a ltr. It's just my opinion and I could be wrong.
What I would suggest is that you do something or make some gesture(s) to show him how much you care about him and how much you're willing to commit to part two of your relationship. If he knows that this time you at least won't be the one to give up, then he won't be as tentative, I think.
Also, have a talk with him about how you feel. You guys had a problem before with communication that was so bad it ruined the whole relationship, right? Well it's time to fix that, and you can get some good practice on it now! Tell him how his stance on using apps makes you feel, and get his honest answer as to why he's doing it. Don't judge, don't be afraid, just talk. If it goes well, then the way forward will be much clearer.
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Ex of 8 years
