jayhiller21 Wrote:I find it very frustrating that I can only maintain my erection when I am clearly the submissive partner in bed. I'll be having an awesome time with a super cute guy and then we will get into bed, but if there is no clear power differential, it just won't stay up. To be fair, I love getting dominated in bed. However, the idea of sex with no clear power differential is very appealing. I have been watching primarily straight porn for 6 years (I am 21), and almost always watch male-dominant videos. I am not sure if anyone thinks this is related, but I am just annoyed because I really don't know any other gay people in my situation. Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions, or if anyone thinks that quitting porn might reduce my need to be dominated in bed.
I didn't see this the first time it came up, apologies.
In the BDSM or Leather community there are a lot of 'total submissives' and 'natural submissives' who are apparently hard-wired to act and react to being dominated.
There are also a good deal 'total dominants' those who are hardwired to dominate both in and out of bed.
BDSM is a highly inclusive subgroup, which most people mistakenly think its all about whips, chains, rope and pain and pleasure - however Dom/sub roles are also there and it doesn't have to include leather or toys.
One thing you may discover is that the right submissive guy needs to enter your life for you to totally get into the dominant role. It does happen. And too, a lot of young guys start off as totally passive/submissive but then grow into being dom/aggressive.
I doubt quitting porn will reduce your need to be dominated in bed. Clearly there is a draw there for you thus you are drawn to watching that sort of porn.
Now I know we live in a culture that currently loathes the 'hetro-normal' feeling of the Top/bottom, Dom/sub roles - but humans are largely wired for such a relationship. For straights it is typically the male who leads and the woman who follows - this is a working strategy that has served the species well and lead to its currently population of hella too many. While we are gay, we are not immune to the countless other drives of our DNA and social programing of not only millions of years of evolution but of society as well.
The whole dom/sub set up of leader and follower allows for functioning social groups. Even dye in the wool 'versatile' couples use the lead/follow system - granted it may not be as clearly obvious as a Top/bottom or Dom/sub relationship with the chore of leadership going to one or the other depending on the current situation, but it still exists.
There is more to sex than just a hard-on and pleasure. Sex fulfills a lot of emotional things and is in its own way a matter of social order. Some guys can see sex as just a hand shake, some see it as a special commitment to one person. Some guys can have sex either and or both ways, some guys need roles to be clear and distinctive. This is rarely just a thing of lust, but other emotional things come into play.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself (pardon any puns in there). Accepting what you are and who you are and knowing what you need to be fully satisfied is part and parcel of the whole learning experience.
There is no shame here, and there is really no need to force yourself to be anything you are not.
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