Can only maintain erections with a dominant guy in bed

[detopguy]

jayhiller21, if you like being dominated, there's nothing wrong with that ;-)
it's what turns you on. I myself like dominating young guys (LOL), i'm sure i'm not the only one....to each his own, we all have likes & dislikes....
i think it's hot when a young guy gets dominated by another older / bigger guy ;-) I better stop...getting all worked up.... ;-D

[reaper]

Dominating can be a lot of fun, but being dominated is hot as well.

When I was active in the bondage scene I bottomed for a while, then started to top as well.

I liked both in different ways. I was kind of surprised how much fun topping was.

Aww, the memories!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I find it very frustrating that I can only maintain my erection when I am clearly the submissive partner in bed. I'll be having an awesome time with a super cute guy and then we will get into bed, but if there is no clear power differential, it just won't stay up. To be fair, I love getting dominated in bed. However, the idea of sex with no clear power differential is very appealing. I have been watching primarily straight porn for 6 years (I am 21), and almost always watch male-dominant videos. I am not sure if anyone thinks this is related, but I am just annoyed because I really don't know any other gay people in my situation. Just wondering if anyone has any suggestions, or if anyone thinks that quitting porn might reduce my need to be dominated in bed.

I didn't see this the first time it came up, apologies.

In the BDSM or Leather community there are a lot of 'total submissives' and 'natural submissives' who are apparently hard-wired to act and react to being dominated.

There are also a good deal 'total dominants' those who are hardwired to dominate both in and out of bed.

BDSM is a highly inclusive subgroup, which most people mistakenly think its all about whips, chains, rope and pain and pleasure - however Dom/sub roles are also there and it doesn't have to include leather or toys.

One thing you may discover is that the right submissive guy needs to enter your life for you to totally get into the dominant role. It does happen. And too, a lot of young guys start off as totally passive/submissive but then grow into being dom/aggressive.

I doubt quitting porn will reduce your need to be dominated in bed. Clearly there is a draw there for you thus you are drawn to watching that sort of porn.

Now I know we live in a culture that currently loathes the 'hetro-normal' feeling of the Top/bottom, Dom/sub roles - but humans are largely wired for such a relationship. For straights it is typically the male who leads and the woman who follows - this is a working strategy that has served the species well and lead to its currently population of hella too many. While we are gay, we are not immune to the countless other drives of our DNA and social programing of not only millions of years of evolution but of society as well.

The whole dom/sub set up of leader and follower allows for functioning social groups. Even dye in the wool 'versatile' couples use the lead/follow system - granted it may not be as clearly obvious as a Top/bottom or Dom/sub relationship with the chore of leadership going to one or the other depending on the current situation, but it still exists.

There is more to sex than just a hard-on and pleasure. Sex fulfills a lot of emotional things and is in its own way a matter of social order. Some guys can see sex as just a hand shake, some see it as a special commitment to one person. Some guys can have sex either and or both ways, some guys need roles to be clear and distinctive. This is rarely just a thing of lust, but other emotional things come into play.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself (pardon any puns in there). Accepting what you are and who you are and knowing what you need to be fully satisfied is part and parcel of the whole learning experience.

There is no shame here, and there is really no need to force yourself to be anything you are not.

[jayhiller21]

Hey Bowyn Aerrow! T
Thanks for the reply!
I get what you are saying and I agree that my sexual inclinations are nothing to be ashamed of. What I am really struggling with is the fact that my sexual fantasies are conflicting with what I want out of relationship; a genuine connection with no clear power differential. I really don't enjoy the fact I have submissive sexual tendencies (maybe I just have not accepted that part of myself yet). I am just worried because I want different things from a relationship than I do with sex and that it will be hard to find a guy that is on the same page. Basically, I can't see myself being sexually satisfied in a relationship with no sub/dom roles but I also can's see myself emotionally satisfied in a relationship with sub/dom roles. It's just very frustrating to me. Do you think these feelings are normal?

[Pyromancer]

I've been dating Danny for about a month. This is my first time being with a guy. In the past, I was told more than once by women that I was crappy in bed. But now, with Danny...I'm wondering if maybe my lack of success with women was because they expected me to take the lead...and maybe I'm not wired that way.

With Danny, since I'd never had sex with a guy, in the beginning I looked to him for my cues. But it's evolving beyond that now. I'm finding that I get off on being dominated. It's something I never experienced before. It's not who I am in the rest of my life. But in bed...

Danny's going slowly with it, he teases me and says we have to hit the 6 month mark before he dusts off the Spanking Bench and pulls out the leather cuffs. He makes me feel comfortable about it.

Why do you find it frustrating? Do you feel like you're missing something and not having a full and varied sexual experience? Or do you think it's psychological, rooted in all the expectations that society lays on men?

[Virge]

Since JayHilyer has not been back I feel pretty sure he was the guy who drowned in a kiddie pool of vanilla pudding in Sacramento back at Christmas.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hey Bowyn Aerrow! T
Thanks for the reply!
I get what you are saying and I agree that my sexual inclinations are nothing to be ashamed of. What I am really struggling with is the fact that my sexual fantasies are conflicting with what I want out of relationship; a genuine connection with no clear power differential. I really don't enjoy the fact I have submissive sexual tendencies (maybe I just have not accepted that part of myself yet). I am just worried because I want different things from a relationship than I do with sex and that it will be hard to find a guy that is on the same page. Basically, I can't see myself being sexually satisfied in a relationship with no sub/dom roles but I also can's see myself emotionally satisfied in a relationship with sub/dom roles. It's just very frustrating to me. Do you think these feelings are normal?

Depends on why you want one thing over what gets your motor going.

Why do you want a non- Dom/Sub relationship? Is it really you who wants this, or is this exterior pressures of what you think everyone else would demand you do?

Also, there are plenty of couples in the BDSM scene who do role-play in the bedroom and are relatively 'equal partners' out of the bedroom. The dom/sub routine does not have to be 24/7.

And in every relationship you will be in there is a bit of power differential. Unless you have magically figured out a way to make an exact copy of yourself, you are going to be dating another person who will have different sets of strengths and weaknesses than you. Meaning chances are high you will be more powerful/skilled in one area than he is, and he more powerful/skilled in other areas than you.

This whole 'equality' nonsense is in reality an impossibility. Even if you both were violinists (as example) one of you is going to be better at it than the other. Thus you are not and cannot be 'equals'. This applies to every aspect of a relationship and a life with another human being.

Many couples go through the 'power struggle' phase of a relationship, shortly after the hot passionate stage. This power struggle stage is when a couple works on figuring out who leads in which situation. Those who fail to come to agreements and compromise and decide who leads when _______________(fill in the blank), usually end up either fighting it out to the bitter end (divorce) or it just doesn't get done since neither want to take up the reigns.

Is it normal to be messed up and indecisive and have two desires at the same time? Only if you are human. :biggrin:

[ChitChat]

Personally I cannot see you getting too concerned over it. It took me a few times to decide which I liked better when I was younger.......being on top or on bottom. I wasn't sure. I learned though that I find blissful pleasure with being mounted by a man. I love it. The main drive is also that I enjoy pleasing a man sexually. I really enjoy it a lot. My satisfaction comes from being a good bottom. I lean towards the sensuality men can share if they know their way around each others bodies. But really.....just go with what you both agree on. Its got to be a mutual thing.