Another Kinky First

[Rareboy]

^ As long as there isn't an emotional relationship between the other two guys.

Even then....beware of jealousy.....I know that even in the B&D world, hell hath no fury like a jealous player.

[reaper]

^ As long as there isn't an emotional relationship between the other two guys.

Even then....beware of jealousy.....I know that even in the B&D world, hell hath no fury like a jealous player.

Their isn't an emotional relationship between them really, I'm friends with them both and the suggestion came from the dude in the relationship.

I'm honestly troubled by how much this situation bothered me.

I plan to talk to another guy in the place, he owns it, who is friendly with us all. He's kind of like the Yoda of this all. I've spoken with him before about things.

[Borg69]

Their isn't an emotional relationship between them really, I'm friends with them both and the suggestion came from the dude in the relationship.

I'm honestly troubled by how much this situation bothered me.

I plan to talk to another guy in the place, he owns it, who is friendly with us all. He's kind of like the Yoda of this all. I've spoken with him before about things.

Is this the same guy you poured out to while you were drunk?

I think you're over analyzing this.

Granted, you're attracted and interested. He/they appear to be unavailable, and/or rift with drama. What is dragging one more player into the mix going to do? How will it help? Are things really going to change?

At this point my advice would be to admit you're attracted to someone who is currently unavailable and move on to pastures with less baggage. There's really no point in hashing and re-hashing out the facts and details. Keep them as friends, but move on romantically/sexually. You're a hot guy. The world is a buffet. You're not tied to these two as your sole source of gay initiation.

[reaper]

Is this the same guy you poured out to while you were drunk?

I think you're over analyzing this.

Granted, you're attracted and interested. He/they appear to be unavailable, and/or rift with drama. What is dragging one more player into the mix going to do? How will it help? Are things really going to change?

At this point my advice would be to admit you're attracted to someone who is currently unavailable and move on to pastures with less baggage. There's really no point in hashing and re-hashing out the facts and details. Keep them as friends, but move on romantically/sexually. You're a hot guy. The world is a buffet. You're not tied to these two as your sole source of gay initiation.

It is the same guy. He's a talker and gives lot's of advice. He's very close to them, and becoming close to me, and will already know about all of this and probably have discussed it with them. So what he says to me will be based of off what they had said.

I know how pathetic I sound, I see it to. But I want some sort of closure to this. I don't care how it ends, but I don't like the way it's lingering.

I will absolutely be friends with them (but it's only him that i have the situation with) but I want the cards laid out on the table.

I plan to move to the city, but for right now my entire "gay" life takes place between these walls. Moving to the city will open a new world to me that is not possible where I live. For now, this is really all I have. It's my only real link.

I go on about it in here because it's my ONLY way to vent or discuss this in any real way. I have no gay friends outside the guys from this place, a few people know I'm gay, but the club is my own thing. I can't discuss it with anyone I know in real life. If I try to whitewash it and tell the few people I know about the situation, it would be impossible. The level of whitewashing would rob the situation of all its dynamics.

I'm honestly annoyed as hell with myself. I know I'm overthinking this...yet I'm still doing it.

I'll figure all of this out. It's not a big deal, I KNOW this, I basically was hurt and a bit offended by the way things unfolded.

[Hardheaded1]

For a guy going to clubs and having dispassionate sex, you're not dispassionate enough. None of the posts you have made constitute a rant, either.

You are analyzing intently the events, which isn't consistent with this sort of detached sexual activity. Something here isn't a good fit.

I suspect this is evident to your partner or intended (it would just be easier in your description to assign him an alias rather than keep saying "buddy I'd like to play with."

Nothing you have expressed sounds pathetic. It almost sounds like you have a macho sense of sex needing to be unemotional, yet you are emotional. Sort out that dissonance.

[reaper]

For a guy going to clubs and having dispassionate sex, you're not dispassionate enough. None of the posts you have made constitute a rant, either.

You are analyzing intently the events, which isn't consistent with this sort of detached sexual activity. Something here isn't a good fit.

I suspect this is evident to your partner or intended (it would just be easier in your description to assign him an alias rather than keep saying "buddy I'd like to play with."

Nothing you have expressed sounds pathetic. It almost sounds like you have a macho sense of sex needing to be unemotional, yet you are emotional. Sort out that dissonance.

Although this place is a sex club, I think of it as a bondage club. All I've done in this place is play in bondage scenes. It is sexual in nature, but no actual sex. With last week being the first exception when oral came into play.

Last week was also the first time I partook in the sex side of the club....getting oral from a guy I played with earlier, and another guy I also played with who joined in.

I have no sense of being macho or promoting unemotional sex. Not being emotionally attached is in my opinion not completely possible. The mention of not being emotional is what "my partner" has discussed in the past. Since he and others there have relationships, of various degrees, outside of each other.

I think of my partner and a few others there as friends, so in that alone includes emotion. We have hung out outside of the club.

I have never had any sexual relations with him, outside of the bondage play which went no further than handjobs.

I've discussed a sexual relationship with him and he seemed on board, although it always seemed to me his "yes" was not as ironclad as it sounded.

But that night was so unusual in many ways that his "not really" reaction to my invite threw me off a bit. Considering the things we were doing with the guys we played with.

If he's not interested in this with me, it's cool. I'd be a bit disappointed of course, but I'd be good with it. My issue is the "YES" hanging in the air, but when all the events lead to that outcome, it's a "not really."

I'm a straightforward guy, and he usually is as well.

If it's not to be I need to know this. I accept what is, even if it's not what I want. But the way things are currently, I'm confused and not 100% what to make of it.

I don't want to guess, I want to know.

[Borg69]

It is the same guy. He's a talker and gives lot's of advice. He's very close to them, and becoming close to me, and will already know about all of this and probably have discussed it with them. So what he says to me will be based of off what they had said.

I know how pathetic I sound, I see it to. But I want some sort of closure to this. I don't care how it ends, but I don't like the way it's lingering.

I will absolutely be friends with them (but it's only him that i have the situation with) but I want the cards laid out on the table.

I plan to move to the city, but for right now my entire "gay" life takes place between these walls. Moving to the city will open a new world to me that is not possible where I live. For now, this is really all I have. It's my only real link.

I go on about it in here because it's my ONLY way to vent or discuss this in any real way. I have no gay friends outside the guys from this place, a few people know I'm gay, but the club is my own thing. I can't discuss it with anyone I know in real life. If I try to whitewash it and tell the few people I know about the situation, it would be impossible. The level of whitewashing would rob the situation of all its dynamics.

I'm honestly annoyed as hell with myself. I know I'm overthinking this...yet I'm still doing it.

I'll figure all of this out. It's not a big deal, I KNOW this, I basically was hurt and a bit offended by the way things unfolded.

I don't think you're pathetic at all... I guess if anything I see some of myself in you in that I know how many times I've wasted months of my life chasing something I could never have, and then afterwards more months analyzing the situation wondering what I could have done different to get the outcome I thought I wanted... which is NOTHING. Some situations no matter how badly I wanted them just weren't possible for me - like it or not.

I'm sure these guys could be life-long friends to you, but the reality is they're the beginning steps of a very long and adventurous journey for you that you're just starting out on. Quite likely in as little as two years you won't even remember their names and where you are now will feel like a lifetime ago as you giggle at yourself in hindsight.

[reaper]

I don't think you're pathetic at all... I guess if anything I see some of myself in you in that I know how many times I've wasted months of my life chasing something I could never have, and then afterwards more months analyzing the situation wondering what I could have done different to get the outcome I thought I wanted... which is NOTHING. Some situations no matter how badly I wanted them just weren't possible for me - like it or not.

I'm sure these guys could be life-long friends to you, but the reality is they're the beginning steps of a very long and adventurous journey for you that you're just starting out on. Quite likely in as little as two years you won't even remember their names and where you are now will feel like a lifetime ago as you giggle at yourself in hindsight.

Thanks, and wasting months of my life is exactly what I seek to avoid. I'm a big boy, lol. If he's not into it, I'm good with that. Nothing will change, I care more about the friendship we developed than casual sex. But the gray area isn't working for me. It's a mental drain. Telling me "not interested" is the best way to maintain our current relationship, saying "yes" but dragging things out in a confusing way will damage it.

I will have a discussion with him next week, I won't go to the third party as I mentioned earlier. It'll be honest, casual, but direct. I'll accept the outcome whatever it is, not saying I accept it, I'll truly accept it and move on.

I don't know of course, but I think these guys could be friends for a long time to come. They are genuinely good people, even my "partner" who happens to be very young which may account for some of this as well. They have helped me greatly in my coming out and seeing myself for who I am. On my own this may have been confusing and stressful, but I strolled through this whole thing like it was a walk in the park.

I'm also a big fan of the bondage and play, which it always available there.

I've always been a small circle kind of guy, when I find people that I bond (no pun intended) with I stick with them.

[Borg69]

Life isn't always black and white. Sometimes a "Yes" is excluding all the obstacles that are blocking him.

IE: YES... he WANTS to ... BUT...

- He's seeing someone.
- He's afraid of developing feelings for you /
- or he's scared you're going to develop feelings for him.
- He thinks he's out of your league.
- His BF/friend is jealous.
- He's insecure he's not good enough for you.
- He doesn't want to be your first.
- ... ... ... ... ...

Yes is a yes... but sometimes comes with a list of IF's and BUT's attached to it. Does he WANT to? Yes. CAN he or WILL he? Probably not. Desire doesn't always equal intent.

[reaper]

Life isn't always black and white. Sometimes a "Yes" is excluding all the obstacles that are blocking him.

IE: YES... he WANTS to ... BUT...

- He's seeing someone.
- He's afraid of developing feelings for you /
- or he's scared you're going to develop feelings for him.
- He thinks he's out of your league.
- His BF/friend is jealous.
- He's insecure he's not good enough for you.
- He doesn't want to be your first.
- ... ... ... ... ...

Yes is a yes... but sometimes comes with a list of IF's and BUT's attached to it. Does he WANT to? Yes. CAN he or WILL he? Probably not. Desire doesn't always equal intent.

lol, you're a wise man.

A few things on here are probably real concerns of his. I'll hit up the ones that I know have some merit based on what I see and know...

-I know he's concerned about me developing feelings for him...and I do have some, and he's aware of it.
-His bf, which is really the other guy he has the sexual relationship at the club, is not jealous. He actually suggested we go in the back and play. However, since I've been in the scene he has been much nicer to my "partner." At least in my partners eyes. This may lead him to think that it matters to him and he wouldn't want to risk changing that.
-He knows he's been my first outside of sex, this may also be an issue. When I told him I planned to have the guy we played with finish what he started (the bj), my partner told me I should fuk him, that the guy would let me.

Do you think it's a good idea to have a direct talk about this stuff with him?

Part of me doesn't want to make a thing of all this by having to bring it up, but trying to bury it and pretend their is no issue will eat away at me over time.

I think the talk makes sense so long as I do it in the right way. One in which it's not an ambush or condescending in nature, but an honest talk in a positive tone letting him know I'm good whatever the situation is, I just need to know what it is.