Capricorn
[MENTION=22059]SomewhereTexas[/MENTION] Looks to me like your OP question was the wrong one from the get-go. It isn't about topping or bottoming, it's about finding a gay guy that matches your preconceived notion of "masculine". Apparently you have made "masculinity" into a fetish so only guys who fit that pattern in your brain turn you on.
This is really a sticky wicket because on one hand you say you think you're masculine -- more masculine than the guys you've met. On the other hand, you have this unconfirmed by long experience notion that you're more of a bottom than a top. I mean, seriously, how "masculine" can any man be with a hard dick up his ass? So you're looking for someone who is more masculine than you are to fulfill your fantasy of being topped by a "masculine" guy? Where do you even get these fantasies -- from watching porn videos?
You're 18 years old and have a LOT to learn. Don't even know where to begin -- not that I think anything I say is going to make a difference. But I have to say it looks to me like you've set yourself up to STAY sexually frustrated. This keeps you safe, not having to get involved even sexually, let alone emotionally, with anyone. You can meet a hundred guys but not one of them is going to 'do it' for you because, hell, they're gay -- and how can a gay man (other than you) be "masculine" -- right? It is a Catch 22, what in psychology is sometimes called a "knot" -- a set of conditions so arrange in the mind that it prevents us from getting what we *say* (and believe) we want while, at the same time, serving the function of giving us what we *really* (unconsciously) want.
So my practical suggestion to you is going to be this: First of all, next time you have the opportunity to GET PHYSICAL with a guy, just do it. Forget all this top/bottom masculine/feminine crap. So, for example this last guy, you meet them and you know inside yourself they aren't really "doing it" for you. Fine, w/e. Just don't dump them right off. Maybe see them a second time. Get yourself in a situation where you can start actually physically touching one another. See if that touching gets you aroused. Go with the flow of that. Maybe all you'll do is make out. Maybe you'll go a bit further and jerk each other off. Maybe you'll exchange BJs. Maybe you'll 'go all the way'. Whatever. Just go with the flow -- and even if, say, you stop at first base realizing this isn't 'working' for you -- at least you will have gotten a first taste, a first step, outside your "virgin" box.
My point here is you're keeping yourself safe. Now, it may very well be that the only kind of guy you're *ever* going to get off with is someone who fits your notion of "masculine." That's fine. Seriously, I mean that, whatever turns you on. But if you haven't given yourself the opportunity to explore your sexuality fully -- and you can't do that in the abstract (thinking) and you can't do that only from your imagination (jerking off to porn or whatever) -- the truth is you do not KNOW what actually turns you on (physically, in the flesh, through physical touch).
And just so you know, I say this from the POV of a much older gay man who has some of the same "fetish" that you seem to. I'm much more turned on by "masculine" guys than "feminine" ones. But at the same time, I know there is a huge sliding scale there -- it isn't an either/or proposition. I've been with guys, for example, who, at first glance, SEEM rather soft and feminine socially who, in private, turn into ferocious, dominating tops. I've also had the opposite experience: What seemed like very masculine men who, in private, turned into pushy whimpering bottom boys. "Fuck me daddy!" (SMH).
I'm just saying, appearances *can* be deceiving and what *really matters* (as has been said several times in this thread) is *chemistry*. Now, "chemistry" is an erotic electrical energy circuit that gets set up between two guys. It *can* start at first glance (although that 'at first glance' experience can be WAY off the mark, IMO); but it isn't until one is in private and can begin to actually touch someone that the circuitry begins to become clear -- who wants what (if anything) with whom when, where and how. And it is different every time.
Moreover, the whole 'who is going to be the top and who is going to be the bottom how often' -- and so forth -- question is ONLY relevant when you're forming a relationship. And that kind of interpersonal question doesn't -- indeed can not -- be set in stone before you've even MET the person you're going to have this relationship with.
In the mean time, you just need to get over yourself, at least a little bit. You need to stop hiding the fact that YOU ARE GAY behind this masculinity fetish. You need to get out there and explore, physically. You need to find out what *really* turns you on -- and you can't do that in the abstract and you can't do that only through cyber stuff. You have to physically go to a bar and begin hanging out with guys -- or at the very least you have to meet them and give the whole 'will this guy's touch matter more than his mannerisms' thing a shot. For fucks sake, man, you're only 18 yo; your sexuality is going to *change* as you have more RL experience with it and find out what you really like and don't.
This is really a sticky wicket because on one hand you say you think you're masculine -- more masculine than the guys you've met. On the other hand, you have this unconfirmed by long experience notion that you're more of a bottom than a top. I mean, seriously, how "masculine" can any man be with a hard dick up his ass? So you're looking for someone who is more masculine than you are to fulfill your fantasy of being topped by a "masculine" guy? Where do you even get these fantasies -- from watching porn videos?
You're 18 years old and have a LOT to learn. Don't even know where to begin -- not that I think anything I say is going to make a difference. But I have to say it looks to me like you've set yourself up to STAY sexually frustrated. This keeps you safe, not having to get involved even sexually, let alone emotionally, with anyone. You can meet a hundred guys but not one of them is going to 'do it' for you because, hell, they're gay -- and how can a gay man (other than you) be "masculine" -- right? It is a Catch 22, what in psychology is sometimes called a "knot" -- a set of conditions so arrange in the mind that it prevents us from getting what we *say* (and believe) we want while, at the same time, serving the function of giving us what we *really* (unconsciously) want.
So my practical suggestion to you is going to be this: First of all, next time you have the opportunity to GET PHYSICAL with a guy, just do it. Forget all this top/bottom masculine/feminine crap. So, for example this last guy, you meet them and you know inside yourself they aren't really "doing it" for you. Fine, w/e. Just don't dump them right off. Maybe see them a second time. Get yourself in a situation where you can start actually physically touching one another. See if that touching gets you aroused. Go with the flow of that. Maybe all you'll do is make out. Maybe you'll go a bit further and jerk each other off. Maybe you'll exchange BJs. Maybe you'll 'go all the way'. Whatever. Just go with the flow -- and even if, say, you stop at first base realizing this isn't 'working' for you -- at least you will have gotten a first taste, a first step, outside your "virgin" box.
My point here is you're keeping yourself safe. Now, it may very well be that the only kind of guy you're *ever* going to get off with is someone who fits your notion of "masculine." That's fine. Seriously, I mean that, whatever turns you on. But if you haven't given yourself the opportunity to explore your sexuality fully -- and you can't do that in the abstract (thinking) and you can't do that only from your imagination (jerking off to porn or whatever) -- the truth is you do not KNOW what actually turns you on (physically, in the flesh, through physical touch).
And just so you know, I say this from the POV of a much older gay man who has some of the same "fetish" that you seem to. I'm much more turned on by "masculine" guys than "feminine" ones. But at the same time, I know there is a huge sliding scale there -- it isn't an either/or proposition. I've been with guys, for example, who, at first glance, SEEM rather soft and feminine socially who, in private, turn into ferocious, dominating tops. I've also had the opposite experience: What seemed like very masculine men who, in private, turned into pushy whimpering bottom boys. "Fuck me daddy!" (SMH).
I'm just saying, appearances *can* be deceiving and what *really matters* (as has been said several times in this thread) is *chemistry*. Now, "chemistry" is an erotic electrical energy circuit that gets set up between two guys. It *can* start at first glance (although that 'at first glance' experience can be WAY off the mark, IMO); but it isn't until one is in private and can begin to actually touch someone that the circuitry begins to become clear -- who wants what (if anything) with whom when, where and how. And it is different every time.
Moreover, the whole 'who is going to be the top and who is going to be the bottom how often' -- and so forth -- question is ONLY relevant when you're forming a relationship. And that kind of interpersonal question doesn't -- indeed can not -- be set in stone before you've even MET the person you're going to have this relationship with.
In the mean time, you just need to get over yourself, at least a little bit. You need to stop hiding the fact that YOU ARE GAY behind this masculinity fetish. You need to get out there and explore, physically. You need to find out what *really* turns you on -- and you can't do that in the abstract and you can't do that only through cyber stuff. You have to physically go to a bar and begin hanging out with guys -- or at the very least you have to meet them and give the whole 'will this guy's touch matter more than his mannerisms' thing a shot. For fucks sake, man, you're only 18 yo; your sexuality is going to *change* as you have more RL experience with it and find out what you really like and don't.
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