Boyfriend won't bottom but has for ex partners

[Leigh542]

Hello , so I've been in a relationship with my partner for nearly a year now . I'm 21 and he's 45 ,everything is good apart from he won't bottom for me I've got to the point now where I don't even ask anymore , I always have to ask for sex I feel like it's a pro alive for me it's always on his time and when he feels like it , I've moved from Leeds to Manchester to be with him which was hard for me so I only get to see my family every couple of weeks , he works crazy hours and always does overtime so he moans he's tired all the time , he won't bottom for me says my penis is too big yet he has bottomed for his ex partners I bottom when ever he wants just would be nice once in a while to change things around if you know what I mean , thing is it's really starting to get me down now , I say to him don't you fancied me anymore and he's like yeah why but I always have to start the sex of and I feel like I've got to beg for it he goes near my ass I have no problem with it but he won't even let me touch his ass but yet he's bottomed for ex partners it's doing my head in and I have no one to talk to about it please help any advice would be much appreciated .Thanks

[Lexington]

A bunch of ways you can deal with this.

* You can accept that he's never bottoming for you.

* You can keep the pressure on.

* You can tell him that if he won't bottom for you, you won't bottom for him.

* You can tell him that if he won't bottom for you, you'll find somebody else who will.

But you'll have to decide how important this aspect of the relationship is to you. For some, it would be a dealbreaker. For others, it wouldn't.

Lex

[Anocxu]

Time to attempt a serious heart to heart.
There has to be a reason...
You have to tell him this is a major problem for you.

I hope you two can talk it out.

[Leigh542]

Thank you so much for the advice so far really appreciate it , he promised me that we would do it on my 21st birthday and now I'm nearly turning 22 it just feels like empty promises . I don't like to bring it up because I always get the same answer I just feel like if you've done it for your exs you must have felt more for them the. What you do me maybe I'm just been paranoid .
Really nice to talk to some down to earth people btw thanks .

[Anocxu]

Thank you so much for the advice so far really appreciate it , he promised me that we would do it on my 21st birthday and now I'm nearly turning 22 it just feels like empty promises . I don't like to bring it up because I always get the same answer I just feel like if you've done it for your exs you must have felt more for them the. What you do me maybe I'm just been paranoid .
Really nice to talk to some down to earth people btw thanks .

There is a reason..
There is ALWAYS a reason underlying intimacy issues...

My ex and I had a similar issue....
It was not a deal breaker though .. outside the bedroom we had so much going on for us...it got frustrating at times, but I focused on what we had not the few things we didn't do in the bedroom.

If you can engage a humble , calm convo...
Try to figure out the reason...
Be prepared for hard answers..

Work it out.

[Leigh542]

okay thanks will try have a convo about it tonight and i will let you know how it goes thanks so much for the help

[Lexington]

He's put you off for a year. I'd say it's time to have the talk. And not just a quick one he can bat away - the serious one that gets to the real issue. Because even if he's not crazy about the idea, certainly a compromise could be reached.

Lex

[MikeW]

...I'm 21 and he's 45 ,everything is good apart from he won't bottom for me I've got to the point now where I don't even ask anymore , I always have to ask for sex ...

Often men's libido's decline with age. This is often the result of declining testosterone (something that naturally occurs as we age). So where you're as horny as a teenager, he's not. So this could be part of the problem. OTOH, he's also saying your penis is "too big"... which it may be. If he's experiencing bottoming for you as painful, he's not going to want to do it. Do you know how to get him ready to not only accept but crave your dick? That's a whole other factor.

So, as others have suggested, there are all kinds possible "reasons"... and ways of dealing with this. How important is this to you in terms of your relationship? Is is it a deal breaker or not. For sure, living in perpetual sexual frustration is NOT indicative of a healthy relationship.

What bothers me a bit, though, is you seem to be comparing yourself to his ex's.... DO NOT GO THERE. Ok, so he bottomed for them... and so you think he loved them more or were more turned on by them? Even if that were true, THINKING THIS WAY is not going to be productive. In fact, I'd say it's a symptom of your own insecurities or perhaps less than positive self-image. That's something you need to work on in yourself, and comparing yourself to others is not the way to do it.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

As others have said, there is always a reason, so you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation on the topic.

The age difference may well be a factor, so don't assume that "age is just a number" there are many practical issues that come along with a 20+ year age gap.

Also, did you have any discussion about roles when you started out on the relationship or did he bottom then?

There could also be medical reasons that he's reluctant to bottom, and he may be too embarrassed to talk about. Piles are great to joke about, but believe me (from experience) they are absolutely not funny if your suffering from them......

Good Luck

[Virge]

Time to attempt a serious heart to heart.
There has to be a reason...
You have to tell him this is a major problem for you.

I hope you two can talk it out.

^^^^^

There's all you need to know. And the best way to solve a problem like that isn't to sit down and confront it head on and try to discuss it... the best way is to do things that make it easier to trust and be honest with each other and let the subject come up on it's own.... or maybe even solve itself.

Honest. That's the truth. We learned that beyond any doubt since March when we nearly broke up over him cheating on me. We didn't break up but just put things on hold and stopped talking about the problem....

Next thing I knew we'd both figured out what led him to feel the need to cheat and how I'd contributed to that need... We could talk about it totally honest after that... and reached a whole new level of honesty and trust we never knew existed