concerned

[carebear1968]

I know this site is for mainly adults. However. I am concerned about my 12 and 1/2 year old son. I have noticed withdrawal from him for about 6 month's now or so. I went in to tell him dinner was ready the other night and noticed he was playing what appeared to be a video game. When I asked him what type of game he was playing, he said a game where friend's get together and do silly stuff. I then noticed his avatar was a girl, no big deal, but he was chatting with these other kids? I'm assuming they are kids his age. Anyhow, I asked why he portrayed himself as a girl and not a boy.. He said he didn't know. I really wasn't concerned until I saw the things they were writing to each other , like, " I like the way you shake your booty" And things like that. I would support and love my son normally as I always have, even if he is gay or bi of course, but my bigger concern is how private and withdrawn he is. I don't want to sound over protective, but I don't feel he should be this sexual at 12. That's why I'm here to get an honest opinion, and not to over-react. I love my son, and don't want to push him away. But should he know his sexual preference at 12? Thanks to all who can give any advice.

[bluedragon]

About having female avatar, I know of some straight guys who like to create female characters and play games (eg Maplestory). I think it is something which is normal and nothing to worry about it.

And there are some kids who already know sexual stuff when they are 9-10 years old. So, I feel you shouldn't be alarmed about him being sexual at 12.

[Doofus89]

Sounds like he's a playing a game called World of Warcraft. Or maybe any other Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Game (MMO/RPG). Some guys have female characters. Maybe they have certain in game attributes that give them an upper hand in the "battlefield". A game I owned (different what I mentioned before) had a "perk" that was for a female character that gave them something like a 10 or 20% damage increase against male characters.

With his sexuality, I can say that I knew I was bi at that age I was just afraid to admit it to myself and flaunted around middle school like I was the straightest kid in existence. I just watched a shit ton of porn on the home computer as opposed to having a female avatar in a video game (although I don't even do that nowadays. Could be his thing or what I mentioned before). Coupling your concerns with his signs of being withdrawn, could just be the time he's putting into the game if there's no other signs of some form of depression or anxiety. I don't want to scare you, it's just what came to mind. And "I like the way you shake your booty", if that's in game it's probably just his friends poking fun at his avatar. However, If it's seen on skype or whatever social application he has on his computer that has a webcam or instant message service... then it might be something to look into.

Other than that sounds like me at his age only he's playing a different type of game and not going outside to communicate with people. I would just try to make him go outside more.

[carebear1968]

As we talked more about it. He did tell me the reason is he preferred acting like a female. He was crying and upset about telling me. he said he thinks I wouldn't love him the same, and I told him. That, is impossible! I couldn't love you any less, Ever! I just started home schooling him, because both mine and my husband's job's move us around every year or so. I just want to make sure that this is not some way to act out. And certainly I don't want him to be confused, or feel he doesn't belong. I have heard of these kids that are ashamed of their sexuality and they end up withdrawn and depressed, and sometimes worse. If he is or will be gay or Bi. I want to make him feel normal and not like he doesn't fit in. I have seen other kids get teased and mocked and I want him to become a confident adult.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I played a female nightelf on WOW once as an experiment and Wow all the nice guys who helped me and gave me stuff and gold.... They say that 80 to 90% of the female characters played in MMO's are played by guys who are using the sex of the character to get ahead in the game.

As for when a person knows their sexual orientation it varies, some claim far younger than 12 others claim older. There is no set specific date when a person decides their sexual orientation. Different experiences happen to different people.

As for withdrawing, I'm sorry, this is due to his hitting that period of time we call puberty, and he is going to undergo a lot of behavioral changes and cease being your 'little boy' and start being an independent, secretive individual.

[Rareboy]

I'm glad that you are there to support your son. A word to the wise though....don't isolate him from all social activity. I am no fan of home schooling at all because it can lead to kids being shut away from all interaction with other kids of their own age.

What you might want to do is talk to him about other social activities he might like to pursue. With one of my cousin's kids who was going through a withdrawal patch...it ended up being fencing...it doesn't matter what it is....even if it is joining a film club or or getting involved in an art group or volunteering for something.....kids need to be able to bond with other kids and frankly...to learn how the real world works.

[LJay]

Get your head out of the sand. Of course kids are dealing with sex and sexuality at age twelve. Your son is entering puberty. As your posting indicates, he is already afraid of expressing himself lest he be unloved. Have you considered educating yourself in these matters? Also, the point made above about socialization is extremely important. School is a major arena of social training and interaction. Supporting your son and helping him to deal with the issues he faces there, as well as encouraging him to feel comfortable about discussing things that happen, is vital. I would reconsider the home schooling approach.

[carebear1968]

Actually, my head isn't in the sand at all... As why I came on here, to get advice and not be one of thos parents avoiding and ignoring their child's development. I have an older brother that is gay and proud of it. But him being older than I. He didn't come out until he was almost 21. I am not as concerned about gender issues as much as I am about him not feeling ashamed. Make sense? I appreciate the advice none the less, but as I am seeking advice?.. I don't think that I have my head in the sand at all.

[araya]

for kids that age is pretty normal I guess, I have a 13y.o. sibling, I found recently that he's into things about sex, well, that happens to me too when I was at his age
about the game, everyone pretty much does such thing, saying pervy lines to others just for jokes
as rareboy said, get your kid to socialize with others, being held up in the house isn't healthy, get him to play w/ other kids
just react the way you usually do, never too early to know your sexual preference, kids these days grow and 'ripe' way faster than us

[TwisttheLeaf]

I think it's great that you are so accepting of your son and his possible preferences.

I will give you a bit of perspective on age and sexuality.

1) I have known I prefer men since I was very, very young. I crushed on boys when I was a little boy. Girls never registered, not until I was much older. (read college)

2) I gave, and received, my first BJ at 14. I was -fully aware- by that age what it was I wanted, and how to get it.

3) I emancipated from my parents at 16. This is only 4 years away from your child's current age. You need to accept that your boy is growing up, yeah? Sex is a part of life and, well, it's going to be a part of his.

Do I advocate 12 year olds having sex? Hell no. But it is pretty normal for curiosity to start springing up at that age.