is it me? ?

[xfrostx]

I think that a honest talk about this is the best way to go about it. But don't make it seem like confrontation of the kind "Why the fuck don't you want to have sex with me?!" That's not a good idea.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years now as well and even if we're young (I'm 23 and he's 26) there's something that I've noticed - sexuality changes. Not just about how often you want to do this but what exactly you want in bed. There might be some new fantasies that he's been having, really vivid ones that make him unable to enjoy the usual sex you're having and he feels frustrated. I agree completely with those above me that there might be medical or emotional reasons but I decided to point out this reason as well because it kind of happened to us.

I hope things work out for you both!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

How often do 34 year old couples have sex? Any advice?

After 7 years expect it to be about once a month if the moon and business and the rest of their life actually allows them the time and energy to schedule it in.

On average, sex starts to drop off after the first 6 months. Between 3 and 6 years into a relationship life just reduces it to the sidelines to where the couple only manage once a week to once a month.

This is very typical of relationships, and is perhaps the predominate reason why couples go to couples counseling to get ideas how to breathe 'romance' back into the relationship.

Stress outside of relationships be it financial, job related, the kids, etc tend to end up killing the sex drive for one or both of the individuals.

And romance and sex go hand in hand. The problem with monogamy is its all same sex marriage, you have the same sex day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year............. IT gets boring and stale and people lose interest.

Finding new and inventive things to do in the bedroom and new ways to be romantic usually bring back the sex drive.

[MakeDigitalLove]

The problem here is that it could be any one of the things already mentioned in this thread, but the thing is you won't know unless you talk to your boyfriend. Find out if there is an underlining issue, or if he is just in general not feeling as feisty with you and go from there, figure things out. Not to sound harsh, but you have been together for 7 years, I think you should have been able to talk to him about this subject.

My biggest advice to people asking for advice on relationships is communicating, seriously. It is so simplistic but people have problems doing it. Communicating goes a long way and it helps you come to understanding each other easier and resolving problems before they could even rear their head.

[Lexington]

I know some couples (gay and straight) who have been together two decades or more, and they're still fucking like rabbits. So no, I don't think it's inevitable. But often enough, the shine wears off. Just like that new car or house you bought doesn't seem quite as amazing a few years down the line. Familiarity breeds contempt.

How do you fight it? Do your part to break up the "familiarity" aspect. Give him a blow job as soon as you finish dinner, or join him in the shower. Mix things up a little.

Lex

[MikeW]

Agree to everything previously said.

First thing, you MUST discuss this with your partner and find out what is going on in his world. DO NOT do this in some sort of 'blaming' way. It's a question; you're together; you love one another; you want to stay together; you want to understand how you can have a relationship that has at least *some* more of that *spark* you once both felt. You can't do this alone, you need his help and you need to know what the reality -- obstacles, level of interest, etc. -- is for him. This needs to be a 'we' thing, not a 'you' thing.

Practical suggestions I can make: 1) Go to the Dr. and get some blood work done, check your (meaning both of you) testosterone level; 2) Talk about how often each of you feels horny and what you do about that (watch porn and jerk off? hook-up with someone on DL?); From whatever information comes out from the previous conversation ask yourselves some questions like: "How would you feel about watching porn and jerking off together?" "How would you feel about inviting a hook-up to play with us?" (or whatever is relevant from the conversation); 3) Experiment with some aphrodisiacs -- for me, smoking pot with a partner can do that, for others it takes something more specific -- viagra for some -- there are also herbals that do it such as LongJack aka Tongat Ali; 4) Take a look at your diet -- if you're both eating a lot of processed foods, sugar containing products, refined carbs (breads, pastas) and getting fat, it's time to hunker down and do something right for yourself by eating more 'paleo'; 5) Join a gym and workout together -- IMO, there's nothing that re-boots the libido like getting physically active. Lifting weights, swimming, running, playing soccer -- whatever -- make time to do something together that gets you hot and sweaty. Finally, as was suggested, turn off the TV and computer, put the PDA's on mute -- spend time TOGETHER. Take a vacation together. Go out for a drink together. Do something, anything, to get out of the RUT of your habitual routine.

Just saying, there are a lot of ways to get through this. Hell, there are even sex therapists for christ sake. The main thing is to establish that you both *want* to work it through and then proceed to try anything and everything to find out what works for you. Good luck!

[Rareboy]

Slip him some Viagra.

[East]

My suggestion is ...FANTASY.....

It is such a taboo thing because of all of the "rules" we hear about what we should or shouldn't feel or think about...and all of the guilt and shame from religion....

...and alot of times people feel like they have to hide their feelings and thought from everyone else because they mean "this" or "that"...and they are threatened by their own thoughts or the thoughts of their partner...or what each other might think....

That is why I cleared that whole mess up a couple years into my relationship and made it a part of our foundation...and even though we are having sex now as much (we did it every day for years)....we have a 2-3 times a week thing going on at 30 years. Fantasy is a very important part of our sex life though....and both of us can tell the other anything with no fear or judgements...

Do either of you explore fantasies? Is jealousy a part of your relationship?

[LutheranGuy]

our intimacy has disappeared. How often do 34 year old couples have sex? Any advice?

Some kind of sexual affection should occur daily. If it's not at least weekly, something has gone terribly wrong.


Confrontation: Look him in the eyes and ask him whats up.

Use his weaknesses: You know what turns him on. If those subtle things don't build him up to a boner anymore, something is terribly wrong.

Spy on him: Is he watching porn without you? Web history. Is he texting other guys and or does he have apps installed? The worst reality is that he has filled the vacuum somewhere else.

"The Time Excuse" - I'm just so busy and tired is not a conversation. That's code for, "i don't care that we aren't sexual and we are basically room-mates."

[ck86]

On average, sex starts to drop off after the first 6 months. Between 3 and 6 years into a relationship life just reduces it to the sidelines to where the couple only manage once a week to once a month.

Oh ok lol. That explains a lot for me and the fella then. Although I think for us is the lack of time.....*gasp*
[MENTION=22067]this1time[/MENTION] Good luck with the two of you. Drag him to the gym. A good leg work out boosts your testosterone levels...enough to make most guys horny. Alternatively you can do what [MENTION=21495]Rareboy[/MENTION] suggests with Viagra...

[NerdMonastery]

I think this could be an example of how relationships are naturally supposed to lean towards families.
Like anything in life, doing the same thing over and over again get's old and you get used to it.
I feel like that's why having a family is an important step in any relationship because once you get into the motions of the relationship, the next step up for dynamics is to have a family because it brings that commitment level towards each other to a new level.
Since I'd say a lot of gay relationships never progress to this stage, the way they substitute a change in dynamics is either opening it up or just finding a new one. I say this all as an observation because I know there are gay couples who do have kids together and I don't know if they experience this exact same thing as the original poster. I do find it a strange occurrence that I know of heaps more gay women who have started families than gay men, but that could be just coincidental as I do not know any statistical information on this particular subject.

At the end of the day of course it's to each their own and every relationship is different, but I've heard this story soooo many times that it's lead me to really re-evaluate just how important that 'family' stage of a relationship is.
Not that I'm trying to say to have kids for the sake of saving a relationship because of course you should WANT kids, at least ideally I think so.
This was just some food for thought is all.