My Boyfriend Won't Let Me Have Gay Friends. Is this okay?

[ShiftyNJ]

I did not say or intentionally imply that he was either. But his insecurity, based on his own history, is now being used to create "rules" (AJ's word) for you. As @JackBoneTX said, you need to find a way to trust each other if this is going to work. If you don't have trust, you have issues.

And I'll repeat my latter part... the label a guy chooses for himself means less and less every day. A guy who calls himself straight, even if he's married with kids, is quite capable of messing around with another guy. If cheating is what you're worried about, the "straight" label is not going to protect you.

I have been with the same guy for 11 years so I will try my best to offer something helpful since you asked. I am more social than he is, by a lot, and I have more friends, both gay and straight (more straight as time goes on, as it happens). He knows many but not all of them, and could meet anybody he had curiosity about. The ones he doesn't know are mostly because I know them through activities he's not interested in.

I have, by my own doing, distanced myself from two people because they developed an interest in me that went beyond friendship and lacked the judgment and respect to keep that to themselves. One of them IDs as straight (hence my comment above). I didn't make a big thing of it, I just do not put myself in situations where they could act on it. Maybe FF should be given the benefit of the doubt that he would recognize when a friend's intentions were beyond platonic and put whatever boundaries need to be in place to keep your trust level intact.

[AJ13]

I did not say or intentionally imply that he was either. But his insecurity, based on his own history, is now being used to create "rules" (AJ's word) for you. As [MENTION=21947]JackBoneTX[/MENTION] said, you need to find a way to trust each other if this is going to work. If you don't have trust, you have issues.

And I'll repeat my latter part... the label a guy chooses for himself means less and less every day. A guy who calls himself straight, even if he's married with kids, is quite capable of messing around with another guy. If cheating is what you're worried about, the "straight" label is not going to protect you.

They aren't as formal as I may have made them sound (: It is just kind of a loose convention we both were following, until today, because we discussed it and he wasn't happy and I realized it wasn't the best way to deal with things,, so we aren't doing it anymore.

"Rules" was my word, but it was a rule for both of us. I don't have my bf on a leash and it's kind of depressing that's the impression people are getting.

And yeah you're right; a person's label is not ironclad proof of their orientation.

I just feel like he is kind of bad at telling whether people are hitting on him or not, and this could lead to bad situations. There was an incident a couple of months ago where some gay guy he met online somewhere (before he met me) randomly texted him. He told me about it, and I expressed reservations that they were texting - I didn't think this guy was up to any good. My bf thought he just wanted to be his friend.

Like a month later (note how I didn't demand he stop talking to him), during halloween my bf texted him asking "where's the party at??" cuz we were bored and nothing to do. The guy texted back and offered to pick him up and take him to a party somewhere. And before that, he constantly was offering to take my bf out for a drink for his 21st birthday.

It's around that point my bf finally stopped texting him and realized this guy was probably more interested in banging him than anything else. I just am afraid a lot more situations like this will happen :// it makes me so uncomfortable, and yeah, that has a lot to do with my past. I guess I just have to trust he will deal with these things the right way all the time...but personally it is hard for me.

[MikeW]

When you go to bed tonight, just mention how hot you think one of his gay friends is.

^^^^Seriously, this!

ETA: Op, my problem with this scenario is it suggests he doesn't trust you or the relationship enough for you to have friends and still remain in the relationship. I'd be real curious WTF that was all about.

[East]

I used to have to train the bartenders how to deal with this kind of situation......

It was WWWWAAAAAAYYYYY more important than learning how to make drinks....

When one partner is overly jealous...it is ALWAYS about them...and they are projecting their own feelings and attitudes on their boyfriend. In other words...if they think about sex with everyone all the time..instead of owning it...they decide that is what everyone else...especially their significant other... is thinking... and then act out....

Never agree with one or the other when both are socially present..it will come back to you in the ass...ALWAYS!

It always takes two to tango....

The ones who "got it" lasted the longest....it is a bad idea to get between a control freak and their love interest...they will eat you for dinner....it will not end well...

End of lesson...

On another note...I can give advice to one person but a couple...no.....

[Virge]

Just for the record ------


I'm stayin out of this.

[Bhp91126]

...
When one partner is overly jealous...it is ALWAYS about them...and they are projecting their own feelings and attitudes on their boyfriend. In other words...if they think about sex with everyone all the time..instead of owning it...they decide that is what everyone else...especially their significant other... is thinking... and then act out....
.....

This! So very much this!
If he doesn't want you to have gay friends because you might cheat with them, it is because he's thinking about doing exactly that with his friends often, or has done in the past (which he already admitted to).

[Gideon]

I'll start out by saying I am an extremely possessive SOB. What's mine is mine and I don't share well with others. It's a part of my personality that I am not ashamed of, I don't hide and this is probably one of the first things Twist found out about me when we got together. Twist is MINE, someone else touching him in an intimate manner is just not okay in any way shape or form.

That said, Twist is also a very intelligent, strong willed and trustworthy person. I trust him. Absolutely. I know without a single doubt that if something happens that I'd want to know about, that I'd need to know about, he'd tell me. Even if I won't like it, even if it would hurt me or potentially damage us, he'd tell me.

I'm possessive, but I also know that I am what he wants. If I wasn't? Then my possessiveness or jealousies wouldn't really matter, would they? If I wasn't what he wanted, he'd do what he was going to do and there isn't a whole lot I could do about it. So trust is a key factor here. If you don't trust your partner, then you have a long, long way to go and this should be the first issue on the agenda.

Secondly(thirdly? Damn I lost count) Just because you are gay does NOT mean you attracted to every male on the planet. It does not even mean you are attracted to every gay male on the planet, yeah? Having gay friends isn't an automatic hook up, it just means they have something in common.

Yes, I see both men and women as potential threat...my boy is GORGEOUS and he doesn't even know it. He's amazing and he doesn't see it...so of course everyone out there is a potential threat. Gay, straight, bi...he's beautiful, look at him. But he loves -me-, no one else...ME. That makes me a possessive and LUCKY SOB and it means that he's not going to do anything to screw it up.

I might still have my insecure moments, I might even have a meltdown, but end of the day it's my responsibility to remember that I'm the one he's in love with, and his job to make sure when I have my moments, he is there to assure me and make it all okay. It's a partnership that way, it takes two to make a relationship...and it takes TWO to cheat. No one can steal from you unless your partner is willing to be stolen.

[matty7]

he would now be called the ex controlling boyfriend

[TwisttheLeaf]

I am fffffff1000000 piece of crap boy friend.

Hey man. Welcome to GS.

I wouldn't say you're a "piece of crap boyfriend". I'd say you're a boyfriend that's learning how to trust. This can be a hard thing to learn, and with some people it can take longer than others, yeah?

I think realizing you were making your boyfriend unhappy and adjusting to find something that will work better for both of you as an excellent first step.

I'm interested in knowing whether anyone else has these sorts of problems. everyone seems to be ok with their partners having gay friends. do you guys ever get jealous? do you have rules about how you act around your gay friends? I would very much like to know.

*Points to [MENTION=20938]Gideon[/MENTION] and his post above*

That's my partner. He's extremely possessive. And I can tell you when he refers to anyone touching me intimately? That includes a casual drape of an arm over my shoulder, a clasp of a hand on my arm, or even a brief hug. He doesn't like it when people even accidentally get in my personal space.

Sometimes, this means when it happens that I need to reassure him afterward. Fortunately, he knows me well enough to know I'm not going to lie or hide -anything- from him. No matter what. I don't pander, I don't tell people what they want to hear, and that includes him. If I fuck up, I'll own it and hope he'd forgive me.... which is something I've already proven to him.

[Hardheaded1]

Accepting that the couple is authentic and this isn't some amusement vehicle constructed to play the forum is a tall order.

But, going along with its premise, a couple of things are basic.

There's not much point in claiming one needs counseling or therapy for being controlling. You have the diagnosis. Don't be controlling. It's similar to "don't be rude." It's not a hidden attribute. It only takes honesty to stop it. Otherwise, it is a preferred abuse.

To the OP, "the fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves that we are underlings." No, I'm not counseling that you assassinate your Caesar, but the argument remains obvious. Your boyfriend, or the second voice of this trolling, whichever is the case, does not present himself as dominating, only as insecure. You, on the other hand, have presented yourself as dominated. To cut to the chase, you perceive the need to capitulate or endanger your relationship whereas the needed response is to make a stand. "I can't be held hostage to what you fear I might do, or to make up for what you did in your past. When I actually make a transgression, then we can both deal with it, if it ever happens. Until then, I'm not a risk -- I'm your boyfriend." A classic mistake in dating is to always be fixing the problems that happened in the previous one. It is also true of hiring new employees in the workplace.

As for the cited friendship that may or may not have been a come-on, there's no magic to that. If there is any suggestion that a predator is trying to single out a weakling from the herd, make sure the herd sticks together. You should have taken the friend up on the birthday drink invitation and replied, "sure, we'll be ready to meet you at 7:00" Gay men have no lock on this sort of ambiguity. Heterosexual couples have to mark boundaries all the time. One doesn't have to assume the worst in others, only set up simple barriers that send the unequivocal message that "we're a partnership and we're not looking on taking in new investors."

Speaking as someone who endlessly finds friends and co-workers attractive, friendship is always more important, and honor. I'd never allow the sexual attraction to make me into the person I'd not want to be around, an opportunist, and likewise, most people are not scum. Having friendships is important. Having gay friendships is important. Attractions may also exist, but there isn't any sin in that. Behaviors are the measure. Don't allow conversation that is salacious or suggestive and the premise of friendship won't be a good cover for someone just trying to rob the nest.

Save the drama. Send out clear but unaccusatory signals to third parties. Enjoy life.