I came out (sort of...) about a month ago hoping that would make relationships with my family stronger. And it has a lot, due to my situational depression lifting away and the burden of holding the lie of being straight. And even though parents hate the fact that I'm no longer hiding it or trying to "fight my feelings", I'm ok with that (I think).
But now they just act like I never even came out and it bothers me a little. It makes me feel like they don't take me seriously, even though I'm an intelligent 22 year old.
I literally have no friends.. I've been raised in the church so everyone in my life revolves around that and they all have the same views my family have (maybe even worst).
I don't really feel like I'm out of the closet yet.
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You're operating within your family's social circles... whom are all like minded with them. You need to branch out and find your own social (gay) circles and create your own network of friends, allies, and substitute family, hopefully eventually a BF... They're not going to magically drop out of the sky from bible study, dad's bowling league, or mom's book club.
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First of all: Congrats on coming out. Yes, what you've done is coming out, and especially to your parents is one of the more difficult coming outs.
Don't be discouraged if your parents currently are ignoring you being gay. It probably took you a while to come to terms with being gay, so they will need some time to come to terms with their son being gay.
As Borg said, you need to branch out socially, if you want gay friends.
Welcome, the most difficult part is over.
Bernd
Being gay is not for Sissies.
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well firstly congratulations at coming out to your family..sort of ..im just happy that they didn't react badly - in their defence it must be such a shock that how would you react in their place ...to some family's especially religious people meaning no disrespect at all - this is the most evil thing ever ...please give them time to adjust but stay true to yourself if possible , if a chance to confirm your gay comes up then take it but you don't need to push it right now, time is on your side as a guy man , and I hope they will come around very soon
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Bhp91126 Wrote:First of all: Congrats on coming out. Yes, what you've done is coming out, and especially to your parents is one of the more difficult coming outs.
Don't be discouraged if your parents currently are ignoring you being gay. It probably took you a while to come to terms with being gay, so they will need some time to come to terms with their son being gay.
As Borg said, you need to branch out socially, if you want gay friends.
Welcome, the most difficult part is over.
i don't know about that. i suck at making new friends. i get really shy when first meeting someone and i have a hard time keeping up with the conversation. also, i live in a small town in NC and its pretty anti-gay around here... i'm not afraid of people but i dont want to make this any harder for me. if the conversation came up, i wouldn't lie about being gay (ive spent 22 years lying about it and i'm so done with that...)
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thnks (and no offense taken, im not religious anymore)...
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Are you planning on staying where you are?
I grew up in a small, rural Midwestern community ages ago. I know things have changed but, even so, it isn't easy being gay in an "anti-gay" place -- even if you are physically safe. My family was both conservative (politically) and religious (fundies of some sort).
Your parents are probably in denial. Their way of dealing with it is not to deal with it. But my first question is, what do you expect from them? My experience is, they're not apt to change their religious views. But even without religion in the picture, it's often difficult for straight people to 'get' what *being* gay means. I don't just mean the sex -- that they might have some vague notion about. I'm talking more about the feelings of isolation, anxiety, all that stuff that make us feel like we don't quite fit in anywhere in a world that doesn't a) acknowledge our presence and b) give us much credit for being real, live human beings who have hopes and fears like everyone else -- just different.
As for being shy... that too is fairly common with guys who grow up gay -- especially if they've felt they *might* be gay for awhile. Its like we're struggling with accepting ourselves and during that 'incubation' period we're not very outgoing for fear someone might catch on to our secret. Straight boys get to advertise their lusty avaricions (for example), we don't. Straight boys get to deal with their shy factor as they begin to date as teenagers. Not so much for us gay dudes.
Anywho, welcome to the forum. Maybe we can help you overcome some of that shy stuff. YOU'RE FINE JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, k? There's lots to be considered in this *being* gay stuff. And there are a LOT of shy gay guys. Tons. Being one of them, I know. Personally, I just learned to accept that about myself -- and as I got older and a bit more mature and experienced, overcame *some* of it. You can too, if you want.
But as for making a circle of gay friends, you can begin here and elsewhere online and then see if you can begin to bring that out into your RL, bit by bit. Still, if you live in a very small place, you *may* have to move at some point. I did. SO glad I did, too. SOME of the 'shyness' (and sense of self-unworthy-ness, etc.) IS situational.
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yea, i knew my parents wouldn't change their views on my sexuality (though it would be great if they did), i never expected them to be happy with it. but i did expect them to at least see me for who i am rather than what they want me to be. and my siblings always chicken out and agree with everything they say, so i guess i'm like the rebellious one or something... idk
up until i finally came out to myself first, i always wanted to stay close to where i grew up. but as i came out and started viewing the world as it actually is, i decided that staying here in nc would suck for me. so yes, i definitely want to move at some point. im still trying to get my career life together, but really want to move out of nc and the south.
making friends and connections is what i'm all about right now online. the more i talk about myself the more outgoing i become. i am kinda weird and quirky (and i'm ok with that), i just have to find people who can fully except that (which is harder than it sounds...)
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12-17-2014, 01:48 AM
(Edited 12-17-2014, 01:53 AM by MikeW.)
<<< SO TOTALLY WEIRD AND QUIRKY (and have always been so).
I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area (Berkeley) when I was 25 years old. FIRST TIME I ever felt *at home* anywhere on the planet. Part of that is because this place and the people in it (especially back in those days) was SO freakier than I am that by comparison I seemed like utterly NORMAL. Fak, What a relief!
Sounds to me like you're doing G R E A T !
And as for rents -- I duno. It's like, growing up in a family, naturally, that to us IS our world -- most everything revolves around it. But as we grow older we invariably strike off on our own and build our own 'family' (either literally or socially if not both).
One thing I observed is that, even with straight offspring, parents don't even *begin* to see their children as adults *until* they're married and have kids of their own. SO... IF you're a gay guy and don't get married and don't have kids of your own, well, then they're apt to tend to continue projecting their experience of us as children/adolesents LONG after that should have ended. I didn't even begin to get on a even footing (peer-to-peer) with my dad until I was in my forties! And he didn't take it well, at all, either, TBH.
Working out relationships with parents as one grows into one's own is always a challenge -- and it seems to be the case regardless of one's sexuality. BUT, that said, the fact is making one's parents grandparents *fits* the heteronormative model that gets imposed on all of us so they tend to roll with that role change a lot easier.
Then there's this whole other question of being "seen" (for one's self). The only way that happens is when one BEs one's self (which is why I often write being as *being* -- emphasis is warranted). BEING who we are, not just saying 'I am such and so' is *hugely* different.
Personally, I don't think my parents (both gone long ago) *ever* saw ME for who I am -- and, again, I'm not sure how much that had to do with sexual preference. Some, for sure, but that wasn't all there was to it. Sometimes we're just so *different* from our parents (in terms of how we see the world and come to terms with life and all), they just can't wrap their heads around it. They choose to live a conventional life. Those of us who are gay, especially with artistic bents, often don't.
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it seems the healthiest thing you could do for yourself now is to make new friends. you can't stay in that bubble. interacting with and being exposed to different people is good for the human mind. and you need to meet guys who can actually understand and relate to what you're going through.
i'd start with that.
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