Porn rather than sex

[Jgama12455]

Hi all,
I am in a monogamous relationship with my bf of two years. We recently moved in together and some issues have arrived. I recently (March) came out to my family and told them about my bf existence. They are adapting to the situation, especially my dad, but things seem to be going ok. My partner and I argue a lot, but in the end realize how much we want our relationship to work and move on.

Lately I've felt that every approach I make trying to be affectionate (hug, cuddle, or sex) is denied. Not bluntly, but with silly excuses like headaches or stomach aches. I understand these could be real so I deal with the fact he's not in the mood or indisposed and just move on, maintaining my hormones and libido at edge. We had a really big fight three days ago and were about to break up but in the end decided to keep trying. Those two days after were amazing. He said we had reconnected and our dynamism reignited to that of when we first met. Of course it was him who initiated our sexual encounters, but then when I approached him he felt indisposed again. I let it go but can't deny I felt undesired. He usually goes to the restroom to do his thing everyday (I envy his metabolism lol) and spends from 20-40 minutes in there. I assumed he took this time to just be alone and get some personal time. We have had conversations where he assured me he didn't masturbate but I had a feeling he was lying. Last night I decided to spy on him and found out he did during his restroom time. I felt betrayed but I can't figure out why yet.

I must admit that I don't care about him jacking off, I do it too, when he refuses to have sex with me. We both have a very tough history but truly love each other. I guess I do feel betrayed, curious about the fact hat he decided to jack off rather than taking advantage of a healthy partner.

Am I in the wrong here? Am I being dramatic and irrational?
Thanks for reading!

[Rareboy]

The two of you need to talk some stuff out more rationally.

This fight or flight drama will be the death of both of you. You can't be fighting constantly and it sounds like there are some root issues regarding sex and intimacy that need resolution. Make-up sex is okay...but not emotionally healthy when it becomes the norm.

As far as the porn and jacking off? Yeah. Of course guys do it. Maybe you need to look into what he's watching and see whether he feels that he's missing something in sex that would really turn him on.

But just sit down and have a quiet, honest talk about where you each think that this relationship is going without the yelling or accusations or hurt feelings. And then go from there.

[BrianNorth]

Rareboy is right. Just sit him down for a good healthy talk and let him know what you want out of the relationship. I'd be concerned if he's choosing porn over you. Wanking is certainly normal for people in relationships but I'd be wanting to know why he'd be choosing solo time over getting with you.

[Darius]

It would be interesting to know his history or life story. It's possible he's addicted to porn. We all jack off but when it starts to replace the real thing in your relationship, especially when one of you is left unsatisfied (emotionally and physically), something is wrong.

[Jgama12455]

Thanks for your input, you guys. I honestly don't think its an addiction. We talked yesterday and he said he just needed time for himself. I told him the majority of people go to the park, gym, or something like that. Not run one out when your partner is in the room next door, horny and waiting for him haha.

It's not like I'm unsatisfies either. We do have sex but only when he's in the mood. Granted I'm always in the mood with him. And I guess that's what makes it harder. I asked him about what he was watching but said talking about it made him uncomfortable.

Pretty frustrating, but I honestly don't know it I'm being over dramatic about the whole situation.

[Borg69]

Thanks for your input, you guys. I honestly don't think its an addiction. We talked yesterday and he said he just needed time for himself. I told him the majority of people go to the park, gym, or something like that. Not run one out when your partner is in the room next door, horny and waiting for him haha.

It's not like I'm unsatisfies either. We do have sex but only when he's in the mood. Granted I'm always in the mood with him. And I guess that's what makes it harder. I asked him about what he was watching but said talking about it made him uncomfortable.

Pretty frustrating, but I honestly don't know it I'm being over dramatic about the whole situation.

I find it a bit strange that you guys are living together, you're supposedly BF's, you can stick your dicks in each others mouths/butts, but you can't talk about what porn you're watching !?!? Seriously??? There's some kind of intimacy/trust issues going on there, IMO.

[Jgama12455]

Completely agree, Borg69. I think therapy is in order.

[MikeW]

Yeah, sounds like the BF has some intimacy/trust issues -- and is embarrassed about certain aspects of his sexuality. This can be sensitive territory so be nice -- many of us grow up feeling shame around our sexuality (whatever it may be).

[JackTX]

My partner and I had a long talk about a month ago. It led to us divulging every little secret that had built up over 11 years, most were stupid things like this that you just hide for some reason... embarrassment, whatever. Most of it was sexual in nature.

We spent the following week smiling uncontrollably when we saw each other. It was like all of this weight had been lifted. Since then we've been a lot more open with each other and the sex has been more frequent and much better too.

If you're both open to it, I agree you need to start breaking down these walls. There are enough important things in life that can get us. There's no need to add trivialities. Find out what he likes and be the whore that loves those things if you can :p

[East]

The way to end that is open and honest communication about fantasies and what turns you on....

...and that honesty starts within us...being honest about what we like is not really as easy as it sounds...just think about how many people spend a shitload of time...even a lifetime..trying to deny who they are and what they feel....and then they censor every other damn thing along the way. People have so many fucked up rules about who they SHOULD BE and how they SHOULD FEEL.....it is so easy to isolate ourselves...

Being honest with yourself AND your partner is liberating and exhilarating....

For instance....what if he admitted he wanted to be gang banged by a group of hot Arabian men?

Would you be threatened?...or turned on? Would you take him to a place where he could experience his fantasy with you?

The reason I ask...a lot of times...we force our partners into isolation and then blame them for it. We wonder what is wrong when the truth is we are all architects of our own lives...and relationships...