Too many ups and downs

[rroepcke]

Hey,

I've been with my partner exclusively for seven months now and before that we dated for three. At the start of our relationship he wasn't sure whether he wanted to be in one and was very hesitant, so I let him take all the steps - he asked to be exclusive, was the first one to start calling me his boyfriend etc.

While he's never been consistent affectionately, he's also never been rude. In the past three weeks mainly he has started being an absolute asshole - to the point where I'm not sure if I want to be with him.

Four weeks ago I came out to my family and introduced him, he was very happy about this, and for the following week was incredibly affectionate. But as I said over the past three weeks he has been nothing but an asshole; he's no longer affectionate, not even that nice really - except before sex where he'll be intensely affectionate and then afterwards it switches off. He treats his friends better than me - I'm constantly given rules on how and when I'm allowed to contact him (He's very career focused, as am I, but I am a communicator and I get that sometimes it can be a bit too much), the conversations that we do have are essentially carried by me i.e: me asking questions and getting one or two word answers while when he messages his friends he is the man that I love.

There are lots of other instances too - this was just to name a few - but I'm unsure whether I want to try and weather the storm and hope that things improve or whether I should end it. I truly love him and I understand sometimes things can be a bit much or in times of stress it's easier to shut off, but at the same time I am nothing but kind, affectionate and concerned towards him and just want to feel respected and loved.

[MikeW]

What we have here is an inability to communicate.

You haven't said what you would like from us.

You realize it is impossible for any of us to know what is going on with your guy. You're way closer to him than any of us ever will be, yet you don't know. So, I assume you've asked, "Hey, what is up with you?" And apparently the answer hasn't been forthcoming, honest, more than some one or two words that basically passes it all off, like "nothing."

Without knowing his side of the story or some hint of it, no way to know what to say that might help. Obviously, you need to let him know how his lack of affection and communication is impacting you, what you're thinking. That may or may not help him to open up but at least you will have put it out there for him to consider.

[ck86]

Hey dude. Sorry to hear of your issues.

I guess the question is what are you prepared to put up with. If you love him and intend to put in the effort to try to get the relationship back on track then it's worth giving it a go. At the end of the day there's two of you involved and you can't force the final outcome.

I'm an optimist and I always try to see the best in people. I'd say it's worth a fight but it's going to be hard work by the sounds of things he's a bit more into using you as a fuck buddy. This might be because the of pressures from work but it might be because he's being an ass. Whichever the reasoning, only time will tell.

Not sure that helps but all the best!

[TwisttheLeaf]

I'm thinking you should consider printing out this post that you just wrote and asking him to sit down and talk with you. That you're worried and need to talk. Then let him read it.

Ask questions once he's done. Ask what changed, and why. Try and get a true conversation going, and see if you can't dig out what the issues are.

[ck86]

What we have here is an inability to communicate.

You haven't said what you would like from us.

You realize it is impossible for any of us to know what is going on with your guy. You're way closer to him than any of us ever will be, yet you don't know. So, I assume you've asked, "Hey, what is up with you?" And apparently the answer hasn't been forthcoming, honest, more than some one or two words that basically passes it all off, like "nothing."

Without knowing his side of the story or some hint of it, no way to know what to say that might help. Obviously, you need to let him know how his lack of affection and communication is impacting you, what you're thinking. That may or may not help him to open up but at least you will have put it out there for him to consider.

I have to agree with [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION]

I had to try to read between the lines and guess what the OP wanted

[meridannight]

have you talked to him about any of this?

you're not asking or expecting anything that is not given in a relationship. you're absolutely entitled to query about his behavior if it makes you feel bad.

i'd sit him down one night and explain it to him the way you just did here, about the affection that comes and goes, about thinking he can institute rules on when you can contact him...and see what he says. maybe you can start by asking if everything is okay with him, at work and otherwise. maybe he's under some stress of some kind that he doesn't want to talk about? and if things are okay then talk to him specifically about all the things that worry you.

you can't just sit and quietly take it. you have to speak up about it. with him.

[Steve]

I could go on forever about this. I won't. I'm bipolar and my partner has loved me in spite of it for over thirty years.

He needs to be helped professionally. Medication helps, but it's as much a bitch to find a decent therapist as it is to find the medication(s) and dosage(s) that help. To move forward in a committed relationship he needs to find that professional help before you can find a reasonable middle ground for mutual conversation, respect, understanding, love, and the rest of it.

If you want to stick by him it isn't going to be easy for you. If his journey is even half as close to mine life with him is a roller coaster in the dark that seldom has smooth sailing. Tread carefully. If you stay with him it could be wonderful at times. Terrible at others. Either way the longer you're with him, the more his world will depend upon you for support. That's a lot of responsibility. It can work...but it takes work too.

Maybe the situation isn't as black as I paint it. The two of you need to talk, all the cards on the table and complete honesty is implicit.

Good Luck.

[James]

Is he out to everyone? That could be a concern. James

[JackTX]

Agreeing that you have to talk to him about this, saying it like you said it to us. "This is how you're making me feel..."

/Dr. Phil mode off

[rroepcke]

I have asked him what the problem is, though he finds it hard to be open and if I push it he shuts off more. He's just changed jobs and we're looking at moving to a city about 40 minutes away - while that's stressful, I have shown that I am here for him.

Yesterday for example, he resigned his current position and was really sad about it. He called me in tears (this was the first time he'd ever done this - he's never cried or showed such intense emotion in front of me) and I consoled him and talked through what he was feeling. At the end of the call I told him I loved him and the only reply I got was 'thanks'. He does sometimes tell me he loves me but not often - I guess what pisses me off a bit is that when he wants affection he's got it, but when I do it's an effort for him -Every morning I send him a message saying 'I hope you have a great day', while he used to do this to me as well he no longer even says 'thanks' or 'you too'. I don't even get a 'xo' when I say goodnight to him anymore.

This is especially confusing because we just had lunch and during that time he was very excited and open about us moving in together and going forward. I guess I'm just tired of the mixed messages and want consistency, even if I'm angry with him deep down I know I love him and still treat him with affection and respect.

As for what I'm asking for in this thread I guess it's: is it worth waiting for things to improve? How should I interpret this behaviour? Is this normal in a relationship?