I hate sleeping alone

[some]

First post on here and thought I'd give it a shot since I've read so much good advice everyone has given to everyone else.

I'm probably over re-acting here and over thinking this because I tend to do that, but I need to get this off my chest.

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for awhile now and in a few months we are planning on moving in together. The plan has been to get a two bedroom apartment so that we have more room and if a friend or relative stayed over we would have room for them. Just recently my boyfriend kind of told me that when he has to work in the morning he wasn't going to sleep with me and was going to sleep alone in the spare bedroom. This took me back because it doesn't make much sense to me. It's not like I snore or move around a lot or do anything that would keep him awake. He's the one that snores, moves around, grinds his teeth, etc. And none of this bothers me or prevents me from sleeping. I hate the idea of us sleeping in separate rooms when he works in the morning. He thinks I'm over re-acting of course and says this isn't a big deal. But in a few weeks he's going to be going back to school full time after taking a few years off. All of the days he has class are in the morning and on the days off from school he either works the morning shift again or the over night shift. I'm afraid to even ask him if we were ever going to sleep together again and share a bed with this type of schedule. He'll be in school for 2 years, does he think this would be ok with me!? What if he would get an 8-8 Mon-Fri job, would we just never again share a bed/room at home? I know I'm overthinking all of this but I just can't stop thinking about it and every time I bring it up I don't get too far with communicating with him. Up until this everything in our relationship has been perfect, I love him so much. I just don't know how I can ever get past this. I think it's so ridiculous and I'm going crazy because it's impossible to talk to him about it. I just don't want a relationship where I can't even sleep with the one I love. I know I'll get past this and it'll be fine but I'm just frustrated and confused right now.

Any advice would be great!

[Bhp91126]

It IS a BIG DEAL, if you want to make it one. Your bf owes you an explanation as to why he wants to sleep in different bedrooms. Don't let him bully you off this topic. Weird that he is so secretive about his reasoning.

[ck86]

Hey dude. Welcome to GS. May your stay with us be helpful.

Firstly, it maybe easier to give advice knowing a bit more about your situation. Like: how long have you guys been together? Has it been a while that you have talked about moving in together? What are the reasons for moving in together?

Without knowing you well, I'll try to give some generic advice. I have come across couples that don't sleep in the same room as each other before, usually my straight colleagues at work and usually after they have have had their first kid together and the dad moves into the spare room to get some sleep before work. Occasionally as you have already hinted is that when one partner snores/grinds teeth/talk/farts
/steals the duvet or any other ungodly habit in the middle of the night. And the move to the spare bedroom is to get some sleep. I'm sure the former issue isn't the problem at the moment!!

How often do you guys stay over at each other's homes at the moment and has this revealed any issues. Sounds like you say he snores and grinds his teeth but has he said anything about you? We often don't know what we are doing in the middle of the night, well for obvious reasons as we are sleeping. Perhaps there is an underlying issue too. Does he seem rested in the mornings? And do you both have similar waking times or does one partner walking up wakes the other up?

The suggested sleeping in separate rooms might be out of genuine concern that he is disturbing you or maybe pointing out that there are underlying issues perhaps ones you are unaware of as of yet. You said you tried to talk to him, which is great but sounds like he is reluctant to talk or either you haven't tried hard enough. I know sometimes when I talk about issues I rather not talk about I just skim over the issues.

Sit him down. Ask him about his thoughts and reasons and that would help you work out the issues. Maybe he's getting a bit bored or maybe he's "focused" on this schooling. You won't know unless you ask.

For my man and I, we spend enough days sleeping apart as we both have shift work. He's an flight attendant and I'm a doctor. We have hectic shift but we still sleep in the same bed. However we have adapted the way we live as we have a spare bedroom to get ready in and so on. I have to say tho, we sleep a lot better at night ever since we got a big bed and we both have our own space in the middle of the night. The UK beds go up to a bed that is almost 7.5 by 6.5 feet in size (and neither of us are overweight and take up too much space!) After a starting the night together we almost always move towards our own part of the bed and get a restful night. This might be the solution for you both too.

I would say start with talking to him, and making him talk back. You won't get far without. Good luck and let us all know how it goes.

[Darius]

Not sleeping together is bad enough but him refusing to talk about it seems worse to me.

[ck86]

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks there's an underlying issue with him (his boyfriend and not [MENTION=22172]some[/MENTION] )

[edhued]

Welcome to GS buddy.

From what I have read, I think the problem is that your boyfriend isn't telling you about his rational behind it. I don't know much about the background of your relationship, but I think the only thing you can do at this moment is to talk to him about his reasons and future arrangements... Don't jump to conclusions without asking him.

Good luck in doing that and let us know how it goes.

[some]

Hey dude. Welcome to GS. May your stay with us be helpful.

Firstly, it maybe easier to give advice knowing a bit more about your situation. Like: how long have you guys been together? Has it been a while that you have talked about moving in together? What are the reasons for moving in together?

Without knowing you well, I'll try to give some generic advice. I have come across couples that don't sleep in the same room as each other before, usually my straight colleagues at work and usually after they have have had their first kid together and the dad moves into the spare room to get some sleep before work. Occasionally as you have already hinted is that when one partner snores/grinds teeth/talk/farts
/steals the duvet or any other ungodly habit in the middle of the night. And the move to the spare bedroom is to get some sleep. I'm sure the former issue isn't the problem at the moment!!

How often do you guys stay over at each other's homes at the moment and has this revealed any issues. Sounds like you say he snores and grinds his teeth but has he said anything about you? We often don't know what we are doing in the middle of the night, well for obvious reasons as we are sleeping. Perhaps there is an underlying issue too. Does he seem rested in the mornings? And do you both have similar waking times or does one partner walking up wakes the other up?

The suggested sleeping in separate rooms might be out of genuine concern that he is disturbing you or maybe pointing out that there are underlying issues perhaps ones you are unaware of as of yet. You said you tried to talk to him, which is great but sounds like he is reluctant to talk or either you haven't tried hard enough. I know sometimes when I talk about issues I rather not talk about I just skim over the issues.

Sit him down. Ask him about his thoughts and reasons and that would help you work out the issues. Maybe he's getting a bit bored or maybe he's "focused" on this schooling. You won't know unless you ask.

For my man and I, we spend enough days sleeping apart as we both have shift work. He's an flight attendant and I'm a doctor. We have hectic shift but we still sleep in the same bed. However we have adapted the way we live as we have a spare bedroom to get ready in and so on. I have to say tho, we sleep a lot better at night ever since we got a big bed and we both have our own space in the middle of the night. The UK beds go up to a bed that is almost 7.5 by 6.5 feet in size (and neither of us are overweight and take up too much space!) After a starting the night together we almost always move towards our own part of the bed and get a restful night. This might be the solution for you both too.

I would say start with talking to him, and making him talk back. You won't get far without. Good luck and let us all know how it goes.

Hey thanks for your response!

We've only been dating for about 4 months. By the time that we move in together it'll be about 9 months of dating. We've talked about moving in together for a long time now. After the first month of dating both of our leases were going to be up and we talked about what we both should do. We both decided that it would be WAY too early in the relationship to move in together at that point so we agreed to both sign a shorter 6 month lease and move in together after that. I guess the main reason that we're moving in together (without sounding too cheesy haha) is that we're crazy about each other! And I know he feels the same way towards me.

Depending on our work schedules, we spend the night at either my place or his a lot. I know I can't possibly keep him awake at night because he's such a deep sleeper. He could pass out on the floor and be perfectly fine. I'm a pretty light sleeper and wake up a lot but I have no problem falling back asleep and he knows this.

It's just so hard to communicate with him sometimes. If its something he doesn't want to talk about it's like he just shuts down and barely says anything or gets mad. I'm such a communicator and like to talk about things on my mind which can make things difficult sometimes.

Idk maybe I'm just over re-acting in this situation. I can be so sensitive and over think things some times. I just don't want this! I hate sleeping alone the way it is. I feel so much more refreshed in the mornings sleeping with him and cuddling and he says the same too when he stays over. If separate rooms/beds when we move in together is how it's going to be then it's going to feel more like we're roommates than in a relationship and I'm going to hate it everytime that he goes into the spare room to sleep. I don't want to fight with him about it because he means too much to me then to argue about it. I just wish sometimes he could have serious talks with me without an argument happening. It's not like we fight a lot though. I'm not going to say we haven't fought because we have, like every does in relationships. It's usually over dumb things though and it's quickly resolved.

Thanks everyone for your replies!

[ck86]

Sounds like with the exception of not talking things are going well. It's worth trying again and I don't think that you are over reacting. I think most of us on this forum will feel the same should our partners suggest the same!

Sounds like you are an outward processor and he isn't. Give him time but don't let things slide past without dealing with it. Say that you want to talk about it but if he wants to think about it then that's fine and agree on a time to talk about it again...maybe over coffee in a few days. Sometimes people who don't like to talk much are better writing down their thoughts, perhaps as a last resort you could try emailing or writing to each other...I wouldn't suggest that as a long term solution tho as it sounds a bit strange to me even suggesting it!

Is there a mutual friend who can mediate this for you both?

Good luck!

[ardus]

I can understand why it upsets you.

I've been with my man for about a year and a half, we're about to move in together as well.

We typically sleep together, we place a great value on sleeping together. We had a fight about three weeks ago, and as a result of that fight we didn't sleep together that night. The next day I was pretty upset, and he wanted to know why I was so upset,, it wasn't that we had fought, it was that we hadn't slept together.

It may seem like less of a big deal than it should be, but when you are with someone the act of sleeping together is important. I know from experience that when he and I don't sleep together I don't sleep as well. If he's not in my bed I miss him and I don't get the same restful sleep I get when he is there.

Is this a mental thing? Probably. I do know that having someone's skin next to yours causes a chemical reaction in your brain that makes you feel better. Maybe it's a chemical thing, I don't know that for sure. I do know that when Zach and I sleep together I sleep better. I wake up feeling better the next day. When we don't I don't feel as good.

His wanting to sleep separately may be a symptom of problems, it may be an insecurity. The best thing I can advise is to talk about it. The more that you communicate about in your relationship the better off you are. It clearly is a big deal to you, so you should definitely bring it up, talk about why it matters to you, and listen to what he has to say. Then find a balance that works for you two.

Richard

[CellarDweller]

You need to talk to him about this. There is no way I'd accept this situation quietly. if he refused to discuss it with me, he'd be told to either open up or get out.