My boyfriend and I have different ideas of what is acceptable in a relationship. We have both said that we are mutually exclusive to each other, but there are some different ideas of what is acceptable. I have no one to turn to about this and could use someone to give me some advice.
We both have had guys hit on us or send us messages or come back from our past. It happens. We have talked about it and he has agreed to not follow up with any guys that try to flirt with him, get his number, etc. However, we have some differences over what is acceptable when it comes to gay dating/hookup websites and applications.
He told me a while ago that he had deleted his Grindr account off his phone. However, the other day I saw it on his phone. He said that he thought he had deleted it/forgot that it was still on there. He reasoned that it was because it was on the page on his phone with all the apps he never uses so he never goes to that page. It is a possibility so I’ll believe him. The bigger trouble we are having has to do with his Manhunt account.
We have talked about it and he said that he does not talk to anyone on the site. That he solely uses it to get off to the pictures of the guys on there. I tried to be okay with this, likening it to looking at porn. I don’t care if he looks at porn, we all do that. It’s no big deal. But I can’t come to terms with Manhunt. It makes me uncomfortable because there is the possibility of talking to guys and they are real life guys where it says how distant they are from you. I told him all of this and he said he understood but stressed that he does not talk to anyone on it. We both have different ideas of what is acceptable in an exclusive, committed relationship; he is more liberal and open minded than I am with what is considered okay.
Is this a normal problem that comes up in gay relationships? We have said that we will need to come to some kind of compromise. There are things I don’t like, but he also doesn’t like having restrictions especially regarding things he can and cannot look at. Is this the type of thing that I should be willing to compromise on or should I not give in? I know that relationships are about sacrifice and compromise, but I don’t want to just give up what I think is right.
Thanks for your help!
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Hey. Welcome to the forum.
Your situation is not uncommon. I know of friends of ours who have been in monogamous relationships and both of the guys in the couple are happy for them to continue using the apps like Grindr and so on. Partly cos some of the are in open relationships too. However I know of others who aren't happy for them to be used. Mostly the reasons are because that the guys are real and most of them are after some no strings fun via the apps and not really picture sharing or chat. There's loads of other social media apps for that purpose.
The most important thing is for you talk to him about it. There's no point in deciding what you aren't happy with this but not expressing your concerns and this will only cause problems in the future. Everything is up for negotiation in a serious relationship.
Good luck.
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Hey man, welcome to the site. I'm sure this is a fairly common issue. I know a few guys in relationships that have these apps, although they are in open relationships so it's not the same.
I met my bf on grindr....then when we decided to be a couple we deleted them together.
You sound very rational and seem to be looking at this in a very grounded way. I can see why this would bother you. Like you said, it's not just pics. It's real people looking for non committed fun many times, based on location.
There are plenty of alternatives that would allow him to look at pics without the close one on one interaction.
I would discuss your concerns with him in a way similar to your post, a conversation based on logic and not overly emotional. Explain to him the fact that one on one conversations with guys close and looking for sex makes you uncomfortable..but that him looking at pics of guys is fine.
Let us know how it unfolds!
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Look, it should be obvious I'm WAY old school. So, I don't have a lot of experience with apps…
However, what I *see* from watching other people is that they are habit forming -- if not down right addictive. So, I'm wondering if this is part of your BF's problem… He's more comfortable interacting with people through social media than IRL. For sure, the way I'd see it, if he's using Grindr or the like, he is LOOKING to hookup. His attention is going there, not exclusively toward you and the relationship. So that right there says something to me.
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This is totally normal, I don't think he would just cut off all of his connections with these apps. You have to talk to him to compromise and establish some common boundaries between him and his usage of these apps. On top of that, since he told you that there is nothing to worry about, then MAYBE take his words and trust him. I'm in an open relationship, so I kinda know what you going through buddy.
Good luck
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I am going to take another approach to this. I do not think it is normal at all, based on my previous experiences. You defenitly need to talk to him and if you feel as though he really needs to delete the app for good, go out and say it. Being on grindr just to get off DOES not make any sense because you've had that discussion before already.
There is a contradiction in your paragraph because you say he forgot it was there then you say he uses it to get off. To me he is hiding something. You need to be honest about your feelings and tell hi that you do not want him on Grindr. It is not ok. I don't care what anyone else thinks about the matter. You are in a commited relationship and he's on a hook up app he forgot to 'delete' then it should already be deleted by now! This is a serious red flag. Take it with someone from experiend. I hope it works out for you...
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ck86 Wrote:The most important thing is for you talk to him about it. There's no point in deciding what you aren't happy with this but not expressing your concerns and this will only cause problems in the future. Everything is up for negotiation in a serious relationship.
MikeW Wrote:....what I *see* from watching other people is that they are habit forming -- if not down right addictive. So, I'm wondering if this is part of your BF's problem… He's more comfortable interacting with people through social media than IRL.
For sure, the way I'd see it, if he's using Grindr or the like, he is LOOKING to hookup. His attention is going there, not exclusively toward you and the relationship. So that right there says something to me.
NayNay Wrote:I am going to take another approach to this. I do not think it is normal at all, based on my previous experiences. You definitely need to talk to him and if you feel as though he really needs to delete the app for good, go out and say it. Being on grindr just to get off DOES not make any sense because you've had that discussion before already.
You need to be honest about your feelings and tell him that you do not want him on Grindr. It is not ok. I don't care what anyone else thinks about the matter. You are in a committed relationship and he's on a hook up app he forgot to 'delete' then it should already be deleted by now! This is a serious red flag.
The prevailing theme here, which I agree with 100%, is that you need to talk to him about this issue and be HONEST about your feelings concerning it... going so far as to put your foot down and make it clear that it's NOT okay, as this is clearly how it makes you feel.
IMO, Grindr isn't a social app. Grindr isn't a porn site with spank bank pics in it. Hell, it isn't even a dating app. It's a HOOK UP app. It's an app that gay men use to find and have sex with other gay men. Even if he's not doing it yet? The fact he's using the app means he's tempted and puts that temptation right there in the palm of his hand every single day. It shouldn't be on his phone. Period.
This isn't an issue about friends and deleting contacts. This is an issue about him having a list of hot guys ready to fuck at the drop of a hat, right there at his fingertips whenever he's tempted to look... or do more than look.
Bare bones? That's my opinion about Grindr and it's role in committed, monogamous relationships.
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It is assumed that any couple in a monogamous relationship would not have a hook-up app like manhunt on their phone.
Doesn't matter what excuse he may give for keeping such an app on his phone, it is still not acceptable while in a monogamous relationship.
It is not only a matter of 'trust',,,,,,,, it is a matter of acting respectfully towards your partner who assumes you are committed to a monogamous relationship.
This is one of those times where you tell your partner to man-up, let go of his old hook-up toys and become a responsible, mature, grown-up who takes this relationship seriously.
Best Wishes,
JIm
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I think there is a difference between jacking off to porn and jacking off to a real person on a hook up site. One is a fantasy, the other should be a red flag.
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You don't like the idea of him having the opportunity and temptation all within reach. I think that's understandable, but do the pictures or videos on manhunt really beat the videos on xtube or similar?
The Grindr delete thing disturbs me. Just have a chat with him, but be mindful of his space. It's his choice, as it should be. Convince him to delete it, not by commanding him, but by explaining your feelings and fears.
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