Boyfriend and Bondage Club

[reaper]

Hello GS, I come again with more of my story....unfortunately, this isn't quite as positive as is usually the case...I'm internally conflicted and all my options come with a price.....

So I recently hooked up with a guy and in short time he became my boyfriend. We deleted our Grindr accounts and decided to date exclusively.

Before I did this, I brought up the club, which he knew about the day we met, and asked his opinion on it.

He basically said he knew the club was a part of my life before I got with him and he accepted it. This was a huge relief to me, my "open" policy that I had been so up front about was always about the club. It was never really about random hookups that would be difficult for me to partake in anyway. Finding a person, hoping they are normal, and if they look like the pics they post....it's a pain in the ass really. I was glad to be done with it. To me, "open" was a way to preserve my club activities.

So the Sunday before last was the first time I ever missed a club night. I was exhausted and decided to skip it. I felt bad about it, like I'd be letting down my club friends.

Last Sunday I made my return. One of the guys I'm friends with had to work and wasn't there, so it was me and my partner (the infamous bondage buddy).

I tell them about me going out with the guy I had met and shared the story.

Things got really hot at the club this night. 2 Australian guys reached out to me on another site and I had them go to the club. I haven't really gotten into my club activities in much detail on here in quite a while....but sometimes the scenes get really hot and somewhat sexual. This was one of those scenes.

One of the bound guys gave oral to my buddy, and then to me while his bf did him from behind. A short while later me and my buddy were playing on stage....I took it out and started edging him....while I was doing this the 2 australians came on stage...they start taking turns blowing us. It was hot as hell.

Anyway, the point being, the scenes do get somewhat sexual.

After I was talking to my partner (bondage buddy) about my role in the place. That I felt bad being that sexual and that maybe in the future I would not engage in oral during the scenes. (getting it naturally) Then he asks, "what about fucking?"

Now this is the guy I had my first kiss with, and has my first little crush on. I asked him to be my first when I came out....it didn't happen and he turned me down a few times. I said, "well, considering I've never done that here, I don't think I'll start now."

He says, "I didn't want to be your first. I was your first of a lot of things, and that was cool. But I didn't want to be the first person you had sex with."

I said that I realized that and understood it.

What a turn of events.

I hung out with my bf the next day. I felt bad like I did something wrong. He knows about the club, but I'm not sure exactly what he knows. He REALLY likes me! Even if he didn't like any of it, and I'm sure if he knew all the details he wouldn't, I don't think he'd say anything. If the club comes with me he'd take it!

But this makes me feel really bad. If I don't go I basically lose out on the relationships I made there and lose the kink. If I keep going I can't fully enjoy it, out of guilt, and then will feel ever more bad when I hang out with my bf.

I could ask my bf about very specific things that take place at the club, but that's just selfish on my part. I'd be making him feel terrible so I could have peace of mind that i had a green light on my activities.

I don't see an easy path forward here. Every option comes with a heavy price...I'm really not sure what I will do here. Whatever I do, I hurt someone or some people in the process.

[LJay]

Think it out, Reaper. You are a kind person and have a real talent for seeing things as they are and putting them down in writing. Just try and do that and don't make any decisions or judgments until you have it all in front of you. It will work out.

[jimcrackcorn]

The 'Club' isn't going to be the one who's waiting at home for you every night.

I'm betting on the boyfriend taking priority over the friends you've made at the club. Well,, I'm hoping that's the outcome (smile)..

Best Wishes,
Jim

[JackTX]

I find it a little odd that you feel you have a commitment with the club people and that you think you're "letting them down" if you don't go have sex with them. Do you feel you're in a relationship with them all? If one of the others doesn't show up, is everyone else (and you) going to be let down or upset?

I kind of understand what you mean but maybe it's just the phrasing.

[East]

A trick I use when I am in similar conflicts....

Imagine you are him..and he is you. Would him going out to the club and having sex be acceptable?

Also...have you ever thought about including him?

Do you think there might be that kind of chemistry/vibe with him?

[Cuddly]

I'd think about including him.

If it's not his cup of tea I'd ask him for monogamy and quit the bondage club. I'm wired differently, so that's easy for me to say.

The bondage club(s) probably isn't going anywhere, but your boyfriend might.

[Bhp91126]

Apart from your bf coming to the club with you, could your club-buddy become a friend outside the club?

[reaper]

I find it a little odd that you feel you have a commitment with the club people and that you think you're "letting them down" if you don't go have sex with them. Do you feel you're in a relationship with them all? If one of the others doesn't show up, is everyone else (and you) going to be let down or upset?

I kind of understand what you mean but maybe it's just the phrasing.

LOL, I don't know why some of this made me laugh, but I guess it's the way I explained it.

There are 3 guys at the club that I am pretty close to, 2 guys that I play with, and the owner of the place. I've never had sex with any of them, including oral. I came out in that place and these guys were very helpful to me. I have relationships with them, not exactly sexual ones, but relationships.

We go every week, all of us. If I were to suddenly stop going, not due to work or some prior commitment, it would be noticed and they would find it a bit sad that I was drifting away.

A trick I use when I am in similar conflicts....

Imagine you are him..and he is you. Would him going out to the club and having sex be acceptable?

Also...have you ever thought about including him?

Do you think there might be that kind of chemistry/vibe with him?

I haven't actually had sex, but I guess I came as close as you could. I had an opportunity to. One of the Aussie guys, who was really hot wanted me to, but I didn't.

But I have imagined I am him, and that's why even though I sort of have a pass in regards to the club, I still feel guilty about it.

If I asked him to go he would, but I'm not sure that's a great idea.

He would engage in kink with me, not so much because he's really into it, but for me. He's been doing a few things recently and it's fun. I'm gentle with him though...I'm sure he prefers it that way.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I haven't actually had sex, but I guess I came as close as you could. I had an opportunity to. One of the Aussie guys, who was really hot wanted me to, but I didn't.

Ok. First things first? I personally consider oral to be sex. And so does Gideon. Are you sure that your bf doesn't consider oral to be sex?

If I asked him to go he would, but I'm not sure that's a great idea.

Second? If you are feeling guilty and ashamed of something you're doing that you don't think your partner would agree with? Then why the hell are you doing it? Is the club more important than your boyfriend? Because this is what your thought process and post sounds like if I were your boyfriend and read this post.

To be honest? If I agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with you and found out what was going on in that club? I'd be enraged and outraged and seriously fucking HURT. And the -only- thing that would save your ass (if I were him) would be your feelings of guilt and conflict as you try and sort out the right thing to do.... and your honesty in telling me what's going on and what has you so conflicted.

And this is coming from someone who IS into D/s and has a decent amount of experience (over the past 6 or 7 years with Gideon), in the BDSM arena, even if it's not a regular thing.

He would engage in kink with me, not so much because he's really into it, but for me. He's been doing a few things recently and it's fun. I'm gentle with him though...I'm sure he prefers it that way.

Always good to start out gentle but how do you know he doesn't enjoy it? How can you possibly know if you nurture an honest, trusting relationship with him that he wouldn't be interested in more as his trust increases (as well as, possibly, his curiosity).

It feels like you're selling him a little short.

Sorry for the blunt post man.

[Gideon]

I agree with East's suggestion and actually do this often in my relationship with Twist. Put yourself in his shoes...would -you- be bothered if someone at a club was giving him oral? Would it bother you if someone was being sexual with him? If any of what you're doing at the club would bother you if he was in your shoes? Then you probably shouldn't be doing it.

The same applies for your feelings of guilt. If you are feeling that way, there is probably a reason...which means you should -not- be doing it, yeah?

I get that bdsm is an important thing to you, that the club and your friends there are a big part of your life, but honestly? If you can't include your boyfriend...or at least give him the OPTION of joining you and being a part of it? Then again, you probably shouldn't be doing it. Not if HE is important to you....and he really should be more important to you than a bdsm club, man.

At the very, very least, you need to find out from him what things are not okay, what would upset him and what he'd be okay with...then make damn SURE that he's really okay with it and not just saying he is because he feels he has to.

When we first met Twist told me I could have others....That he would be okay with it...but the truth is, he would NOT have been okay with it. It would have hurt him deeply and I knew that, even before he realized it. Not only that? I would have lost out on the DEPTH that I have with Twist if I'd decided that I wanted others, because he would never, ever have given me as much of himself in that scenerio as he does. And he gives me so much of himself because -I- give him the same in return. ALL of me, not just pieces of me. I don't want or need anyone else and I damn sure would NOT be okay with anyone sucking him off or touching him or tying him up or kissing him....