Boyfriend and Bondage Club

[Darius]

Maybe you aren't ready for a boyfriend if you can't part with these past relationships that are either sexual or sexually driven?

[MikeW]

Isn't it wonderful the way relationships -- even young ones like this -- bring us right up against ourselves: Push us head-first onto the thorny horns of our dilemmas?

And what beautiful horns to be hung on!

You know, [MENTION=21734]reaper[/MENTION] -- that you even HAVE this dilemma is a testament to your character. Many men would simply gratify their carnal desires with no regard for the consequences.

So, congratulations!

Oh, BTW:

[SHOman93]

Now this is the guy I had my first kiss with, and has my first little crush on. I asked him to be my first when I came out....it didn't happen and he turned me down a few times. I said, "well, considering I've never done that here, I don't think I'll start now."

He says, "I didn't want to be your first. I was your first of a lot of things, and that was cool. But I didn't want to be the first person you had sex with."

I'm sorry is this from an old post or something, BUT OMG I FEEL LIKE I WROTE THAT. The guy I've recently been seeing was; my first kiss, first real crush (still is), first blow job, first cuddle, etc. Yet he doesn't really feel comfortable being my first "what what in the butt."

Sorry for that distraction.

The only thing I could add to the conversation is that, if your friends at the club (which sounds like a hot place ) wouldn't understand that you have a man at home to take care of, what kind of friends are they, really? I mean, wouldn't they want you to understand if the same happened for them.

What ever you decide, good luck man <3

[Borg69]

I think you're in danger of losing a great BF.

I think you should take him to the club. Make him part of your social group there... BUT (!!!!) only engage in acts with him. Watch other couples, be watched with your BF, but be faithful to him. Bondage and your friends are important to you, but he's your priority and exclusive one.

[Camfer]

I could ask my bf about very specific things that take place at the club, but that's just selfish on my part. I'd be making him feel terrible so I could have peace of mind that i had a green light on my activities.

I don't think open communication with your BF is ever selfish. You can start by speaking in generalities about what happens in the club. You can ask him how he would feel if you participated in this or that activity at the club. You can talk about your feelings on the topic. Then you will have a lot more information instead of guessing about it.

There's so many possible outcomes of this conversation. It might be he wants to know everything that happens and with whom. It might be he wants to know nothing other than that you go there. It might be he asks that certain things are off limits and certain things are not. It might be that he asks you to tell him immediately if you go past the agreed upon limits. You have to talk to figure this out.

Calling your bondage buddy a partner was a little jarring for me. I've only considered a boyfriend to be a partner. Perhaps another conversation with your BF.

In a new relationship it makes a lot of sense to have these conversations right away. Then you can both be informed adults and decide if this relationship works for you both. Better to be rejected for who you are, rather than someone loving a limited idea of you.

Note I never said these conversations would be easy.

[JackTX]

There are 3 guys at the club that I am pretty close to, 2 guys that I play with, and the owner of the place. I've never had sex with any of them, including oral. I came out in that place and these guys were very helpful to me. I have relationships with them, not exactly sexual ones, but relationships.

We go every week, all of us. If I were to suddenly stop going, not due to work or some prior commitment, it would be noticed and they would find it a bit sad that I was drifting away.

Ok so what is 'play' then, BDSM roleplay without any real sexual contact?

I assumed you were having all manners of raunchy sex in groups rofl. I must have skimmed the wrong part of the saga :p

You describe these guys as close friends. That's not the same as a boyfriend obviously, but in your case, with this sexualized activity with the friends (assuming this activity IS sexually exciting to you), you have blurred the line. You have both an emotional component and a sexual one. So it basically sounds like you are juggling 3-5 boyfriends :p

Some kind of relationship with the potential b/f isn't impossible but it sounds like one or the both of you will have to make compromises. If you do, keep communication open on both sides because the compromises might not work and it would be better to let the other person know sooner.

Now go forth and bind someone to something uhhhh... spiky! *poof*

[Rareboy]

You can't have it all ways. Simple as that. You have to make a choice. Either you are in a committed sexual and emotional relationship with one guy...or the two of you have to be comfortable with an open relationship and sharing intimacy with anyone either of you find attractive or emotionally compatible. Id est....no strings attached. Mathematically, this means that the probability of the two of you having a successful long term relationship drops precipitously.

[LONDONER]

I confess that I do find it very strange that you think you owe just as much loyalty to people you have met in the bondage club as to your boyfriend. The decision is a no brainer.

[reaper]

I made this thread knowing what the responses would be. But I wanted to see them.

It's a complicated thing. It's not so much about he club, as it is about the relationships I made there.

Although I don't actually have sex with my buddies there, the relationships are still of a sexual nature. And the guy I usually play with basically made it clear that our having sex was really a matter of timing. I have a bond with these guys, and i do like them. I've known them now for almost 3 months and our relationships have grown.

I've know my bf for a few weeks. We met on grindr to hook up, but it quickly became more than that. I really like him and I think he's quickly falling in love with me. I tend to make decisions more on logic then emotion. Not to say that I don't have feelings and emotions, but I'm more comfortable relying on the mind then the heart. I think emotion can cloud judgement, and make the right choice harder to see.

Still, I know right and wrong, and I set the wheels in motion here. I suggested we not see other people, and he happily agreed. He was cool with the club, but I'm sure deep down that can't possibly be the case. How could it?

I care about him, and I also care about my bondage friends to. I've thought logically about my options, all come at a cost.

1. I could ask that things be open in regards to the club only. He would do this, I'm sure, but would be very hurt by it. He would accept it, but he wouldn't want it.

2. I could continue to go to the club and either curb some of my activities, or continue them and deal with the guilt that is unavoidable. This would make me enjoy my time in the club less, and feel worse when I'm with my bf.

3. I could stop going to the club. I'd lose some people that I care about and that played a major role in my coming out. Seeing them outside the club is not very likely for a series of reasons.

The only real option here that makes the most sense is option 3. The first two are selfish and I'd hurt my bf by doing them, and carry guilt which would hurt me as well. The last one saddens me, but I don't hurt anyone else. Everything happened so fast I didn't see far enough ahead. But I know that's the right thing to do. Maybe I'll return at some point with my bf, or if the situation changes in a way I don't currently see.

So my club days are over!

Doing the right thing here comes with a sadness!!!

[TwisttheLeaf]

The only real option here that makes the most sense is option 3. The first two are selfish and I'd hurt my bf by doing them, and carry guilt which would hurt me as well. The last one saddens me, but I don't hurt anyone else. Everything happened so fast I didn't see far enough ahead. But I know that's the right thing to do. Maybe I'll return at some point with my bf, or if the situation changes in a way I don't currently see.

So my club days are over!

I think you made the right choice, man. I think giving the relationship a chance at being healthy and happy for -both- of you is an excellent idea and definitely the responsible choice. You can always return to club-life in the future if things don't work out with the relationship.