Boyfriend and Bondage Club

[CarGuy65]

I think you made the right choice, man. I think giving the relationship a chance at being healthy and happy for -both- of you is an excellent idea and definitely the responsible choice. You can always return to club-life in the future if things don't work out with the relationship.

I agree with Twist 100%!! I think you need to see where your relationship is going first. Don't think of it a quitting the club,just taking a break for awhile. As you get more comfortable with your new found love possibility then maybe you can introduce him to "the club" without participating in the festivities and see his reaction. It may blossom into something enjoyable for both of you.
If you can see your relationship going further, I would work on building the foundation for that first. To me a boyfriend/partner is way more important!!
Your story since you came here has been very inspiring and I wish you all the best!

[Darius]

I guess I am confused, Reaper. You say you don't have sex with your buddies at the club but then talk about blowjobs. You must define sex differently than I do. Last I knew, oral sex was sex.
Even if you didn't suck and get sucked, you are still being sexual with other guys. Your orgasm and which hole you shoot it in does not determine what sex is, at least not in my opinion.

[Gideon]

Reaper, good for you, man. I think your decision is a good one, at least for now.

You never know, things may develop with the bf and turn into something -better- than any club scene...things could develop in ways that the two of you can maybe return to the club at some point and engage in things -together-

I introduced Twist to BDSM and more specifically D/s but I introduced him to those things as MINE. No one else got to touch him or engage with him that way and I'd never be comfortable with that, but yeah, we all know I'm a possessive SOB and we both like it that way.

Good luck to you, and maybe try not to think of this so much as giving something up...but as starting a whole new adventure, hm? You might be surprised at what you find with a little time and trust and effort.

[ck86]

I think the decision is right. However if they guys from the club are friends and are happy to meet up outside the club and NOT have sex then it's a viable friendship. However if meeting up outside isn't an option I would question the genuineness of the initial relationship from the club friends.

Well done dude.

[East]

I am not as sure as everyone else that you made the right choice. I think the right choice would be to invite/include him.

I am telling you this because it is the choice I made though the clubs were different...sorta...I did have sex at least 300 times when I was working....it was a gay bar...20 years there...I had mega opportunity LOL

I also was honest about it all from the beginning and told him everything I did and everything that happened....and I also told him the nature of the job sometimes required me to play along with someone...I can judge a situation fairly well....it wasn't about me enjoying or not enjoying it one way or the other....

I invited him to come there anytime he wanted to and if he felt uncomfortable to let me know. He ended up "marking his territory" which was kinda charming...and I understood what was OK and what wasn't and respected it.

My "vows" to him were also different than most peoples. I made a vow to be honest and I did not promise fidelity and I wanted the same from him. Oddly enough...I have been faithful for 30 years which is ironic as so many of my critics back then who insisted on making promises they couldn't keep and lying to themselves went on to...(gasp)...cheat on their mates.....

Honesty worked out much better than empty promises...the statistics on infidelity are STAGGERING and most all of those people made promises that they couldn't keep...

I pay attention to other people's mistakes....

A lot of who I am today is based on what I learned about other people...and myself...from those simple vows...and my observations about people and life in general....

Truth is....NO ONE KNOWS for certain that they won't have sex with someone else ...but telling the truth and being honest is truly the most respectful thing to give a partner in my opinion.

I just thought that maybe another perspective might be in order...just in case...

Denying something you love is NOT always the best solution as you might resent him for it down the line.

[Borg69]

I made this thread knowing what the responses would be. But I wanted to see them.

It's a complicated thing. It's not so much about he club, as it is about the relationships I made there.

Although I don't actually have sex with my buddies there, the relationships are still of a sexual nature. And the guy I usually play with basically made it clear that our having sex was really a matter of timing. I have a bond with these guys, and i do like them. I've known them now for almost 3 months and our relationships have grown.

I've know my bf for a few weeks. We met on grindr to hook up, but it quickly became more than that. I really like him and I think he's quickly falling in love with me. I tend to make decisions more on logic then emotion. Not to say that I don't have feelings and emotions, but I'm more comfortable relying on the mind then the heart. I think emotion can cloud judgement, and make the right choice harder to see.

Still, I know right and wrong, and I set the wheels in motion here. I suggested we not see other people, and he happily agreed. He was cool with the club, but I'm sure deep down that can't possibly be the case. How could it?

I care about him, and I also care about my bondage friends to. I've thought logically about my options, all come at a cost.

1. I could ask that things be open in regards to the club only. He would do this, I'm sure, but would be very hurt by it. He would accept it, but he wouldn't want it.

2. I could continue to go to the club and either curb some of my activities, or continue them and deal with the guilt that is unavoidable. This would make me enjoy my time in the club less, and feel worse when I'm with my bf.

3. I could stop going to the club. I'd lose some people that I care about and that played a major role in my coming out. Seeing them outside the club is not very likely for a series of reasons.

The only real option here that makes the most sense is option 3. The first two are selfish and I'd hurt my bf by doing them, and carry guilt which would hurt me as well. The last one saddens me, but I don't hurt anyone else. Everything happened so fast I didn't see far enough ahead. But I know that's the right thing to do. Maybe I'll return at some point with my bf, or if the situation changes in a way I don't currently see.

So my club days are over!

Doing the right thing here comes with a sadness!!!

With my previous advice you could do both. Take your bf to the club and integrate him into your social group. You and He (only!) Can perform at the club, and be watched (only!) By others and you two are allowed to watch others - but no touching.

Maybe somewhere down the road when you two are more secure with your relationship you can come to a point where you invite others, but he needs to know you are integrating him into all parts of your life and that you're still being exclusive with him in your exhibitions.

[MikeW]

Listen to all of us trying to resolve [MENTION=21734]reaper[/MENTION] 's dilemma, LOL!

It's just so interesting, isn't it? Those who say that building a foundation of a relationship are right. Those who say other possibilities besides just either/or are also right. I know from my own experience that what is "true" and "right" for me one day, may not be "true" or "right" for me the next. What changes isn't exactly clear -- or maybe I became more clear as time went on.

But I do agree with [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] … it is best NOT to make commitments you can not keep. This is why these horns are SO delectable -- this is a *different kind of torture and different kind of pain* Reaper!

And, trust me, this is just the beginning!

[princealbertofb]

I agree with East's suggestion ...

At the very, very least, you need to find out from him what things are not okay, what would upset him and what he'd be okay with...then make damn SURE that he's really okay with it and not just saying he is because he feels he has to.

When we first met Twist told me I could have others....That he would be okay with it...but the truth is, he would NOT have been okay with it. It would have hurt him deeply and I knew that, even before he realized it. Not only that? I would have lost out on the DEPTH that I have with Twist if I'd decided that I wanted others, because he would never, ever have given me as much of himself in that scenerio as he does. And he gives me so much of himself because -I- give him the same in return. ALL of me, not just pieces of me. I don't want or need anyone else and I damn sure would NOT be okay with anyone sucking him off or touching him or tying him up or kissing him....

Spot on, Gideon and Twist! ... However, I wonder if Reaper is not getting into a relationship too quickly (or has already got into a relationship too quickly). He originally told us all that he wanted to keep things simple and get a feel of the ground. All of a sudden, he's in a relationship with a "boyfriend". His guilt probably comes from the fact that he knows he's going to have to shift his positions somewhat on how he leads his sex life.

I agree with whoever said that he might be selling his boyfriend short, and that by not asking him to come along to the club, he's excluding him from that part of his life, which - let's face it - is really pretty intimate. Isn't the essence of intimacy to be that part of ourselves that we definitely share with a partner/boyfriend/husband?

Now it is also possible that Reaper's boyfriend has NO interest in BDSM, even after trying it, and that he would still consider it ok to let him go to the club.

But, Reaper, I do think you need your boyfriend to make his own judgment on whether your club activities are ok or off limits, and he can only know what to forbid if he knows what's on the menu.

The next thing on the cards is, can he trust you, Reaper, to stay within the limits you have commonly set between you? He needs to know this too.

Your relationship is only partly "open", as you mentioned yourself. But maybe your boyfriend needs to know exactly what boundaries you've defined for yourself. Once he knows, it'll be fairer to him. You have sensed that the situation being unfair through his ignorance of your activities (he doesn't know what you're up to, and you're putting limits on your behaviour, but he doesn't know what limits either), puts him in an impossible state to choose or even counsel, let alone forbid or warn against:
he can't say: "OK, I'll do it with you";
he can't say: "I don't want you to do this or that!";
he can't say: "You can't do any of it!;
he can't say: "You can do this but certainly not, that with other men".

So far, you are aware that he's signed you a blank cheque, but he doesn't know the sum you're inscribing on it before you cash it in....
Think about it. He needs to know / see for himself.

Mind you, he also has the right to say: "No, that's YOUR kink, not mine!" and to let you live your kink alone. Make sure your boyfriend is safe from infections then. And make sure he knows you intend to keep it that way.

And if you were fair to one another, you'd let him have his own kink too.

Putting oneself in the partner's shoes to question whether you should do something or not is only useful if you are like-minded or if you know one another inside and out, or can read one another's minds. ... In effect, no one ever really knows what another person is thinking, and moods can change. The best way is really to ask, and to make sure that the answers are neither coerced, nor underinformed. It may also be necessary to make an update of the conditions, every so often. Be sensitive to how he feels the relationship is going, while all this "extra-marital" activity's going on.

[reaper]

Lots of good advice here. He is open to kink and we have been getting kinky with our "sexy time" as I like to call it.

I bought some toys earlier...a flogger, pinwheel, and something else that I'm not really sure what it's called. He would like to use them on me and is open to having me try it on him.

If he's not cool bottoming that's fine, I'd rather be topped if I had to chose.

More importantly, I will bring up the club tonight and have an honest conversation about it. I already told him I'm not going tomorrow, but not the reasons why.

I was planning on leaving it behind, but maybe there are other options.

I may have committed a bit to quickly. I didn't really think about what I may have to give up. Not seeking out or hooking up with other guys is fine with me. But parting with the guys at the club is far more difficult for me. As well as walking away from the kink i partake in there. I can do it, and will if I have to, but it will be with a heavy hart.

This guy thinks soooo highly of me, I won't let him down.

[Gideon]

Reap, give him a chance to learn and to explore with you, yeah? I think he might surprise you...

You might not have to "give up" anything and may gain a whole hell of alot more than you bargained for. You never can tell, yeah?

As for the top/bottom thing? That too, might surprise you given enough time and patience. When I first met Twist I told him I could -not- bottom. I couldn't, just couldn't...though six and half years later, I've found that with him...I can do damn near anything. And enjoy it.

I am a very natural top, I'm very naturally dominant, but for him, I can pull off bottom and actually enjoy it because it's something he needs from time to time and I decided that I would be the -ONLY- one fulfilling those needs for him.

Being open and honest is always the best policy I think, and I think you're going to be just fine, man. Kink and all.