I'm gay and I have been dating a guy for more than 6 months. I know, even though he has not told me directly, that he has been talking to his ex all of this time via whatsapp, FB, etc, who lives in a different country. And honestly, I was ok with that until now. I found out that his ex returned to the country where we live in, in order to spend Christmas holidays. And even though the guy I'm dating has not told me, I know that he went to a dinner party with his ex and his ex's friends (which he has told me they have a very active whatsapp group). I didn't inquire and I don't know if I should have, at the moment. He showed me pictures of the party and the ex was there. I know because in the past we saw some pictures and he told me it was his ex. But at that time, he didn't mention anything about his ex (I don't know if he forgot about the pictures he showed me before and didn't think I would remember). Also, on a different day, he went on a dinner, with people "not from the city", but that live close. I'm also suspicious of that one but I didn't ask. I just let it go. I understand some people are close with their ex's and I'm ok with that. However, there is something else that honestly I cannot ignore. Most of the nights, we spend the night together. With the few exceptions that either one of us is sick, or will be home very late, or even when I have snored many nights in a row, so I let him sleep alone 1 or 2 days so he can rest. But even once, his best friend was in town and staying at his house, and the guy I'm dating asked me to spend the night. But last week he told me that "a friend was coming over" because he had an early flight, and he needed to stay in the city, and that we wouldn't be sleeping together on that night. I'm 100% sure it was his ex because of a comment he made (without telling me it was his ex). Also, he started telling a story he shared in the past (which I know relates to his ex), and just in the middle he said "never mind" and he changed the subject. I got to his house the on the night after, and he was cleaning the sheets. So I'm even thinking that they slept together. Right now I'm going crazy, and I want to confront him just because he didn't tell me the whole truth by always referring to that other person as a "friend". Should I just be direct with him? The truth is that even if nothing has happened, the fact that he's not telling me the whole truth hurts me. To make things worse, next week he's flying to the country where his ex lives (and where they both used to live), a planned trip he had for months in order to close some bank accounts, bring back home some of the stuff he still has in the country, present some reports related to what he was doing there, etc. At the same time he makes a lot of plans for us in the future. So I don't know what to think. Please, i need advise on what to do.
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I don't think you like this guy very much. You certainly don't trust him. Nowhere do you say anything about liking him -- or him liking you.
But, you said you were dating… So? Dating is dating… dating is not necessarily a monogamous relationship. What's the deal, the agreement, the arrangement? Any?
My advice? Do this guy and yourself a favor and move on.
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The question is, did you talk to guy you're dating about being monogamous? If you actually did, then you should trust this guy, and there is nothing wrong with sharing your feelings about his ex. somehow I got the picture that you don't trust this guy.
If you feel like you want to take this relationship to a better place, talk to him about this situation and you have to trust him. If you can't, then there is something wrong on your side or his side.
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From your point of view, it sounds like he is being secretive. This might not mean anything is going on, but it could. Why not express your concerns and fears to him?
I wonder sometimes when people have exes that they remain close to if they have a difficult time turning off the sexual attraction and don't necessarily see being sexual with them as a big deal. You can act out sexually with someone without actually having sex with them, I think.
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IAMF Wrote:...snip...Should I just be direct with him? ...snip.....Please, i need advise on what to do.
Yes ............
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Well...there are no guarantees in life and in his case...maybe the part of his life with his ex hasn't come to a close...or maybe it has evolved into a close friendship with no sex....that is VERY COMMON with a lot of people who were once lovers...or married....
I think you should communicate clearly with him and ask him because if you don't this will pop up in another form later on and it won't be pretty....
Your specific question...did he cheat? I have no idea....nothing you have said leads me to believe that he has
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East Wrote:Your specific question...did he cheat? I have no idea....nothing you have said leads me to believe that he has
Except that the OP implies his bf is being secretive. He could be paranoid or he could be right. If he is right, secrets are very wrong in a relationship. When one person in a relationship continues a close bond with an ex, that person needs to be very sure there is nothing that looks suspicious, like wanting too much alone time with the ex or excluding the partner from that friendship, don't you think.
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Darius Wrote:Except that the OP implies his bf is being secretive. He could be paranoid or he could be right. If he is right, secrets are very wrong in a relationship. When one person in a relationship continues a close bond with an ex, that person needs to be very sure there is nothing that looks suspicious, like wanting too much alone time with the ex or excluding the partner from that friendship, don't you think.
...but isn't the OP being secretive as well? Second guessing a lover in this circumstance seems very secretive to me....I couldn't do it. No one ever has to ask me what's wrong LOL
I also wonder if the real threat might be emotional or intellectual connection versus a sexual one. If a guy suspects his lover likes his ex or friends more than he likes him...it can be hard to come to terms with. There are so many possible scenarios here....
I also think a lot of times people don't ask because they are afraid to hear the truth though I have no idea if any of this is the case here.
I think [MENTION=12475]Mike[/MENTION] made a good point above about the lack of love/like...and he posed some good questions.....
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IMO, in situations such as this, direct is best. Be honest and demand honesty in return.
Like Virge, I also think MikeW made some very astute observations and posed some good questions you need to consider.
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IAMF,  to GaySpeak. I wonder if your anxiety and suspicion come from having had this kind of experience before with another partner of yours? Have you been in a similar situation before? Or is this the first time you've had any suspicions about a partner?
If you've had this experience before, what particular elements make you think that the situation might be happening again?
I didn't get the impression your evidence was very clear either, to be honest.
Of course, I'd favour a healthy talk with my partner if I felt the same way you are now, just to get things straight and clear my head, but I'd also make sure that my partner had made some commitment to the relationship such as a commitment to monogamy and I'd make sure he knew I wanted it in our relationship.Does he claim to be monogamous?
To my mind, it is quite possible for him to be just friends with his ex, but maybe you need to ask him directly if he still feels an attraction and whether he still sleeps with him? Try not to corner him, if you want to get an honest answer. If he feels his best move is to lie to you, then he probably will. You have to set a climate for true honesty to be expressed. So don't be judgmental.
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