I'll read this post at school tomorrow morning. So far so interesting but I've gotta wake up at 6:00AM. This post requires further analyzation.
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Slept through the night last night, which was good. Even when I want a regular sleeping schedule-- sometimes even with strong medication it is difficult to-- I don't know. Get there. It's like taking yourself out of the mix. I lose myself in paranoia, and weird conspiracy theory machinations. I don't remember a lot of details. It's embarrassing when I do remember. I wish I didn't.
My body feels like someone hit me with a truck. My joints are sore. My head, there's no other way to put this, feels soft. Spongy. I hope this episode is done with.
The intrusive thoughts aren't something I have control over. They're a whole separate ballgame from the high end bipolar crap. I've worked over the shit that's happened in my past. All the time I work over the past. Closure is a joke to me. All that's left is learning to live with your own life. I'm ok with that mostly. It's embarrassing to yell "Don't" or "Stop" in public, when something pops into my head and I don't want it to be there. I told that to someone here once I think. Intrusive thoughts come at me like a rapid fire collage of shit from my past, present, stuff that hasn't even happened to me, stuff that isn't even part of my life. Some of it is post traumatic, some of it is just not explainable. It happens a lot, and I don't like it.
Don't want to think about it much more right now. It's hard. Hard on my body. As many of you will undoubtedly tell me I shouldn't feel this way, its embarrassing. Doesn't matter.
Mark's dead asleep right now. I woke up early, which is weird for me. As soon as my morning meds kick in I'll go back and lay down with him again. He gets overwhelmed. Can't blame him. I cry a lot. Which is pathetic. I'm still pretty raw.
Thanks everyone. Its not enough to say it, but thanks.
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Steve, what is your daily routine?
Do you work? Are you unemployed or retired early?
Do you have obligations to be a caregiver?
What is your schedule, and what outside demands do you meet in a typical day in the life of Steve. No abstractions, please.
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I'm glad to read that the major part of the storm is passed. I hope that writing out your concerns and fears and posting them here helped.
Hugs.
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Well, I see that you are disabled, but that really ignores your schedule.
Ostensibly, all that text in the OP is to air your thoughts. Shutting down conversation about what may contribute seems antithetical.
That said, your shutting down is your privilege. I don't have any desire to discuss what you are reluctant to address.
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The world sure is mysterious and I think everyone has felt the "me versus the world" feeling at some point. Like a turtle, I retreat my head inside my shell until the world seems safer again.
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"I"
