Missing dating

[alex27]

Hello to everyone, I posted up a few months ago about feeling weird that I wanted a man to look after/protect me etc. I only seem to be attracted to really manly guys (mostly straight)
I am sure this has been posted a million times before but I am really missing having a bloke, I am 28 and have been on my own since I was 20. Haven't had sex since I was 22 because I don't enjoy casual sex. I don't really meet many gay guys in life and despite advice, cant think of any places to meet gay guys as I don't drink and don't like clubs.

Is anyone else in the same place or have any good advice for me?

Thanks for reading,

Dean Alex

[Borg69]

Hello to everyone, I posted up a few months ago about feeling weird that I wanted a man to look after/protect me etc. I only seem to be attracted to really manly guys (mostly straight)
I am sure this has been posted a million times before but I am really missing having a bloke, I am 28 and have been on my own since I was 20. Haven't had sex since I was 22 because I don't enjoy casual sex. I don't really meet many gay guys in life and despite advice, cant think of any places to meet gay guys as I don't drink and don't like clubs.

Is anyone else in the same place or have any good advice for me?

Thanks for reading,

Dean Alex

IMO the bolded part is most of your problem. You're seeking out a nearly unobtainable fairy tale prince to come riding in and rescue you, and a "mostly straight" one at that. What you seek is too defined, and wrapped around twisted gender roles.

Your man should be: caring, (somewhat) romantic, honest, loving, nurturing, attractive to you, attentive, ... and everything else is mostly flexible.

By sticking to some dream (mostly) straight guy who has a specific personality, certain height, only likes certain things, wears certain clothes, acts a certain way ... the more specific you get the harder it's going to be to find someone.

Alter your standards.

[ShiftyNJ]

Is Meetup.com a thing in England? Do you have hobbies or interests that you enjoy? My advice is to spend your free time doing those things, focusing on being a positive person and a good friend, and being open to new relationships that are not necessarily romantic. The more people you know, and who find their with you relationship valuable, the better chance you have at being seen as a whole, happy, healthy person, e.g. a "catch".

You mention the "really manly guys" attraction... are your interests similar to things these guys enjoy? Can you say that honestly or are you prone to mold yourself into what you think they want? If the answer is yes (the first one) then spending time doing those things, and again putting out a positive, healthy and self-sufficient vibe is the surest way to find some else in the same boat.

It seems to me you need to have a sense of wholeness as a person, before you can be a good partner to somebody else. I think the only type that is looking for anything else is someone who wants somebody to control. YMMV.

Whereabouts in East Anglia are you? I have friends who live in Norfolk and been all over that area.

[BrianNorth]

IMO the bolded part is most of your problem. You're seeking out a nearly unobtainable fairy tale prince to come riding in and rescue you, and a "mostly straight" one at that. What you seek is too defined, and wrapped around twisted gender roles.

Your man should be: caring, (somewhat) romantic, honest, loving, nurturing, attractive to you, attentive, ... and everything else is mostly flexible.

By sticking to some dream (mostly) straight guy who has a specific personality, certain height, only likes certain things, wears certain clothes, acts a certain way ... the more specific you get the harder it's going to be to find someone.

Alter your standards.

This. Currently you're sabotaging yourself so you don't find someone. Might be something you're intentionally doing without thinking about it.

[ShiftyNJ]

I'm curious if anybody for whom stereotypical masculinity has been a deal-breaker has found some solace in building a close friendship with a straight guy in addition to a partner? It seems to me that a lot of this need can come from affirming our own maleness, and you can scratch that itch with a close but platonic friend while being a little more focused on emotional compatibility/character traits in addition to physical attraction for a romantic partner.

I do like me a bad boy, and had very similar "requirements" when I first came out, but it didn't take long to realize that bad boys are a lot of freaking work, even as friends.

In your case, though, based on your first few lines, I'm starting to agree very much with [MENTION=21075]Borg69[/MENTION] and @BrianNorth's assertion. This may largely be the stuff of fantasy or maybe some unrequited childhood needs, and you should try to understand better what's driving it.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hello to everyone, I posted up a few months ago about feeling weird that I wanted a man to look after/protect me etc. I only seem to be attracted to really manly guys (mostly straight)
I am sure this has been posted a million times before but I am really missing having a bloke, I am 28 and have been on my own since I was 20. Haven't had sex since I was 22 because I don't enjoy casual sex. I don't really meet many gay guys in life and despite advice, cant think of any places to meet gay guys as I don't drink and don't like clubs.

Is anyone else in the same place or have any good advice for me?

Thanks for reading,

Dean Alex

I'm wondering if this is also part of the problem?

I understand what you mean when saying that you don't enjoy casual sex, but at the end of the day you have in effect isolated yourself from what comes normally to most men. One of mans basic instinct is to have sex - straight or gay.

Perhaps you have set the standard so high that no one is going to meet it, therefore you don't need to address the issue/fear of lack of sexual experience/activity over the last few years.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I agree with the others that you need to open yourself up to a wider spectrum of opportunity. You have honed yourself down to (IMO) too specific a stereotype to be interested in, and you very well could be missing out on something perfect as a result.

As an example, I was -not- attracted to domineering men before meeting Gideon. Just wasn't. I didn't want someone to take care of me, and if you stuck your nose in my business you risked getting it pierced with an icepick for your trouble.

Gideon is the exact opposite of -everything- I would have normally looked for. He -is- domineering, and there's pretty much absolutely nothing he won't stick his nose into, icepick or no icepick sitting there waiting for him. And.... you know what?

He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Hands down.

So opening yourself up to more opportunity really may not be such a bad thing, yeah?

[Gideon]

I agree with the others that you need to open yourself up to a wider spectrum of opportunity. You have honed yourself down to (IMO) too specific a stereotype to be interested in, and you very well could be missing out on something perfect as a result.

As an example, I was -not- attracted to domineering men before meeting Gideon. Just wasn't. I didn't want someone to take care of me, and if you stuck your nose in my business you risked getting it pierced with an icepick for your trouble.

Gideon is the exact opposite of -everything- I would have normally looked for. He -is- domineering, and there's pretty much absolutely nothing he won't stick his nose into, icepick or no icepick sitting there waiting for him. And.... you know what?

He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Hands down.

So opening yourself up to more opportunity really may not be such a bad thing, yeah?

Damn. I'm a bossy ass, nosy, pushy SOB aren't I?

*Chuckles*

Good thing you love me *Wide ass grin*

[TwisttheLeaf]

Damn. I'm a bossy ass, nosy, pushy SOB aren't I?

*Chuckles*

Good thing you love me *Wide ass grin*

*Chuckles* You absolutely are.

And I do.

[alex27]

Well there is a lot of replies there, and a lot to digest. But I feel I may have confused the point. I am only sexually attracted to manly guys, I only fancy them, to be blunt I would not get an erection for any other kind of guy (or woman) Not the bad boy thing, I don't design my perfect man, clothes etc. But I know exactly what I want and what I like. I do have a very difficult time socializing with other gay men because I often feel uncomfortable, almost threatened when I am around them. I also see being gay as weak (please don't take offensive to that anyone)

I am in fact trying to locate a counsellor or someone to talk to about being gay because for me it is very complicated. In reference to someone's comment above, I don't like to identify myself as a man and tend to not like people to mention attributes about me that are male (like someone commenting on how my stubble looks manly etc) so I don't think that socializing with manly straight men would be what I need. I guess I am just very confused about it all, which is unusual because I know exactly what I want, but yet I don't really want a gay partner. If I could have a straight boyfriend that would ideal, which is crazy I know aggghhhh!

Finally, I don't want to have casual sex, and I don't regret not having it for the last 6 years. It does nothing for me and leaves me feeling bad afterwards. Sorry for the essay! Anyone who can bare to reply please do :-) Dean