Don'tcha just love funny emails!

[Phil]

[B][I]This was simply too much of a time saver not to share
[/I][/B]
[B][I].[/I][/B][B][I]1. Put both lids of the toilet up [/I][/B][B][I]and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
[/I][/B][B][I]3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. [/I][/B][B][I]You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5.. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
[/I][/B][B][I]7. Stand behind the toilet as far a s you can, and quickly lift the lid....[/I][/B]


[B][I]8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
[/I][/B]




[B][I]


Sincerely,[/I][/B][B][I]The Dog[/I][/B][B][I]


[/I][/B]

[spotysocks]

yeah love funny emails!

one comment: Bad little cheeky dog! poor lil pussy...awww!

[Phil]

I loved this one....

[spotysocks]

''If not....tough shit'' ! lol

thats a good one too! Pretty much sums up life

[Woolfe]

LOL!! And in keeping with the fast approaching festive season (*growls and gets his Grinch on*) - enjoy!

Christmas Party
December 1...To All Employees
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free
to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.
Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please
remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2...To All Employees
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and
often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from
now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There
will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3...To All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that
reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.
In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union
members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7...To All Employees
I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to
the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9...To All Employees
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red
suit."
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10...To All Employees
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit
at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and
you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have
feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear
them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you
hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14...To All Employees
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel
the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

[Phil]

i likey!

[Phil]

Another fav....

[B]My name is (insert name here)[/B][B]and I am an alcoholic[/B]


[B]This is how it happened[/B][B]:[/B][B][I]Please scroll down:[/I][/B]














[B][I]Please DON'T help me.. I'll be fine..!!![/I][/B]

[Smurlos]

HAHA!! Xmas party one is classic, I got that last year, excellent :biggrin:

haha thanks phil, mmmmm now THAT has woken me up!! *eyes wide open* :biggrin:

[IanG]

..Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

[IanG]

[B]A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed,

'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked,

'Are you the people that broke my window?'

Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

Oh, no apology is necessary.

Actually I want to thank you.

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said.

He pondered a moment and blurted out, I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.

And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done' the genie said.

'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

And now,'

the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?'

Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years,

my wish is to have sex with your wife!'

The husband looked at his wife and said,

'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.

What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

'How old are you and your husband?'

Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding.' he said,

'Thirty-five years old .............and both of you still believe in genies?' [/B]