Going to do it !!!

[Rareboy]

Well I thought the agony would last longer.

At least at this point, things couldn't get any worse so look on the bright side.

[East]

Oh lonley...I am so sorry that happened....I hope you will be OK....

One thing that helps...remember it is always darkest before the dawn...

...and have a listen to "Optomistic" Voices from The Wizard of Oz if you need inspiration ((())) I have always looked at The Wizard of Oz as the perfect roadmap for life...and lets not forget that goddamned wicked witch...eh? The problem is...throwing water on the with never really works. I tried it on a drag queen I knew who was evil but the only thing that happened was she got wet LOL

...ah...trailing off here...


"Optomistic Voices" just for you..to cheer you up!

[lonley]

Thanks East,Rareboy and shirogane I want to say that this is really hard and I never thought it was going to be this bad . I knew that we would have to separate and go our own ways and that the kids would no longer be there living with me. I passed out around 7:30 am this morning and woke up at 11:30 I keep walking threw the house room to room looking for them even tho I know that they are not there. She took the both cats and all three of the dogs even took my 7 fish ! I am in a house now all alone and I never thought in a million years I would say this but I hate the quiet !! This has made me feel even more suicidal !! I got online and started to surf and no clue how or why but I ended up on a web page that was a chat help line and I sat there for a good hour looking at the chat now button and decided to go for it . It went ok I guess I was not sure what to expect or what was going to happen but I was able to talk a little bit about 15 min then told them I had to leave I was getting nervous so they told me to either come back to the chat or call the 800 number if the chat was full or 911 I said ok and thanks . No clue what I am going to do now I know that I can t stay here in this house much longer it hurts too bad .

[MikeW]

I don't know where you are [MENTION=22273]lonley[/MENTION] , but assuming all you're telling us is for real, you need psychological support services. I'm sure all of us here feel for your situation. It must be very painful and confusing. Although some of us here may be responsive and commiserate with your pain, a forum like this isn't going to be able to help you in the way you need.

In hind sight, you've made some big mistakes. All of this could have been handled much differently and much better had you taken the time to actually *consider* the possible outcomes -- perhaps even *asked* for opinions before you acted out. In this I'm going all the way back to your affair with the guy and pretty much moving forward from there on.

The thing is, what's done is done and my question to you is, are you willing and able to begin taking the steps necessary to get your life back in order?

Right now you're suffering and for this reason I'm going to warn you to NOT make any quick, rash, or desperate decisions. Given your recent history, it should be obvious even to you that making sound decisions isn't your strong suit. At least not at this time in your life.

You need help, and not just the help of strangers on the internet. You may need that buy you also need professional counseling -- however that may be possible -- and I hope that it is.

The very first step in getting one's life back on track is taking responsibility for one's decisions, acknowledging they've been made, and asking the fundamental question : Why am I making such bad decisions? What is driving this self-destructive behavior?

It may not be the first thing that comes to your mind -- Most likely it is some deep, early wounding in your personal history.

This is what you need to understand, and you can not do that alone.

[lonley]

MikeW I want to say thanks for what you advice you have given me in the past and today . I am on the level with you all and telling the truth I know it may seem hard to believe it but it is all true. There is not a day that goes by that I do not sit and think why ? As I read what you just wrote I have to say that you are right I do tend to jump before I make sure the cart is there to land in . I have always been that way and I have no idea why I seem to have as you say a self-destructive behavior . I did mess up big time and I know that it is my fault and I can not go back and fix things now .

[Rareboy]

All I can recommend is that you use a telephone crisis intervention line.

There are trained volunteers and counsellors to assist you there.

No one on this site is likely qualified to provide any proper clinical advice if you are in crisis or in need of mental health counselling. Chat and PM's will not be an acceptable alternative and everyone should give you the same advice.....please seek proper professional psychiatric help.

With proper therapeutic assistance, perhaps you can attain an optimal and functional state of mental and emotional health.

[Borg69]

MikeW I want to say thanks for what you advice you have given me in the past and today . I am on the level with you all and telling the truth I know it may seem hard to believe it but it is all true. There is not a day that goes by that I do not sit and think why ? As I read what you just wrote I have to say that you are right I do tend to jump before I make sure the cart is there to land in . I have always been that way and I have no idea why I seem to have as you say a self-destructive behavior . I did mess up big time and I know that it is my fault and I can not go back and fix things now .

It may not FEEL like it right now up to your neck in drama and misery, but you ARE fixing it. You're doing what you should have done years ago before you got in all this mess that snowballed and escalated by not dealing with it before. Try to stay positive and hang in there. You have to hang in there and give it time. 6 months, a year, two years from now you'll be able to look back on today like a faint bad dream.

[lonley]

Well not much to report I am afraid she has still not contacted me at all I know that she is at her mothers house because I have drove by there and seen the van there so I know that the kids are safe at least . I have found a lawyer that will take payments I don't know if she has a lawyer or not this is going to kill me financially I have cancelled everything I can to save a little money and I put a sign in the front yard to sell the house I do no know what else I can do . I hate this ,I hate my self for letting this happen , why did I have to come out now ??

[lonley]

Well its been a couple of days now and still nothing I tried to go and talk to her only to talk to the out side of a door . I left the keys to the house between the screen and door and told her that the house is her's I do not want it I will try to help make what payments I can . I am currently staying in a small hotel that has a weekly rate and does at least have internet . I have been in touch with my therapist and he wants to see me asap he has giving me a number to call 24 7 I have no idea what kind of hot line this number goes to I have not called it yet . I have called the national suicide hot line a couple of times and it seems to kinda help I think anyway I am not to sure . I have stopped crying tho . I have no idea why but I have . Not sleeping but maybe a hour or two at a time and I am not eating I don't feel hungry any more . I sure hope that you all are right and this does get better because I am going crazy!!!

[MikeW]

My best gay friend committed suicide. Kinda pissed me off, tbh. I *understood* why he did it, he was very unhappy on a lot of levels. But, still, to me it is a very selfish thing to do. It's an "It's all about ME" thing to do. Like, you hurt so much yourself, it never even occurs to you that other people might be hurting too. Or that killing yourself would hurt *them* -- people who actually care about you. But, then again, I guess on some level, that's what suicide is all about: The ultimate FUCK YOU to everyone and everything.