I am in a Lesbian relationship, is that the politically correct way to say it?I don't know. When my girlfriend and I first got together I told her, I don't like sex. I want to be an a relationship with someone without sex. She told me she felt the same way so, obviously I didn't think she would press the issue. Moving on, she and I were at our friend's house for a party. After about two hours and several beers, she started hanging all over me, kissing me and just in general being inappropriate. I pulled her out of the room to clarify that I don't like PDA. As for her reaction, I remember word for word what she said to me. "I know you're cheating on me. I see the way you flirt with other people. Are you having sex with them? I'll bet you are. Am I not attractive enough? Is that why you won't jump in bed with me? No one hates sex so you're either a liar or a freak of nature." After she had finished her speech I felt kind of bad (although, mind you I was not and am not cheating) So of course I said sorry and that I hadn't known she was so upset, told her I was not cheating and she shouldn't worry about that. After I finished apologizing she started to "feel me up", I think that is the correct slang. I pushed her away and said "This is neither the time nor place. Let's go back out and we can talk about this later." As I started walking away she grabbed my wrist, pressed me against a wall, slapped me and said "Why are you such a prude?" That made me feel pretty bad about myself because I know I am a "prude". I didn't really have a response for her though, so we just returned to the party.
My dilemma here is trying to justify her actions. I have been over this conversation in my head, what seems like a million times. She was a bit drunk. I had upset her by being negligent of her feelings. After all that I rejected her when she tried to be affectionate.
My questions: How do I fix this? We're both girls and girls slap each other all the time while fighting. I could have slapped her back if I'd wanted to, so I'm assuming that's all fine, right? I don't know what to do about the whole sex thing though. I don't want her to feel like I'm not attracted to her or that I don't want her but I really don't want to have sex either. Should I just have sex with her anyway? If anyone can propose a solution I would appreciate it! Thanks for reading.
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I think the first step is to figure out why you don't want sex. It's one thing for women to feel like they should hide the fact that they have sexual desires and needs because they'll get slut-shamed or insulted for it, and some people have naturally lower sex drives than others, but if you really feel like you have no sex drive or sexual thoughts and desires, there could be something going on that you might wanna get checked out.
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Justifying violence in a relationship is 100% always a bad idea. There is no justification for the slap, nor for her abusive words and name calling. There is NEVER justification for slapping during an argument and in anger, not for her or for you. It's abuse, plain and simple, no matter if the relationship is F/F, M/M, or M/F. (With the exception of if it's a mutually consensual activity as an agreed upon form of foreplay, anyway.)
I am speaking from a place of both a man in a gay relationship, but also as twin brother to a lesbian who has dated MORE than her share of psycho chicks.
You need to sit down and speak to her when she's sober, and sort out what she really wants out of your relationship, what you want out of your relationship, and figure out if you can come to a comfortable compromise you will both be happy with, or if its time to move on.
I agree with Zack that you need to figure out -why- you don't want sex so you have some substance to your conversation with her about the problem.
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No PDA, No Sex, tell me what exactly is it you are getting out of the relationship?
The thing with flirting can be a bit more painful for the partner who is denied sex for whatever reason. If your partner acts like they are inviting sex with everyone else but you, even if its not going to happen, its a hurtful thing which leads to resentment. Resentment grows into anger.
Seems to me that the little bit of liquor gave your GF a bit of balls to actually say out loud things she has been thinking for a long while. Which given the words she said and the relationship as you laid it out, her feelings are valid and 'normal' under these circumstances.
If you are going to be celibate and monogamous then you need to act like you're celibate. No more flirting. Flirting is too easy to read into too many things.
So you need to come up with ways to make it clear that you are still monogamous, even if you two are not having sex. You also need a clear concise 'why' to this 'I don't want sex'. And you need to be consistant (around her at least) and not seem like you want sex with other people.
The sad part here is that you can reject her and she gets all affectionate. Seems like a bit of manipulation on your part. you have her wrapped around your little finger and expect her to accept this no sex thing and some how manage to set aside the human tendency toward jealousy when you flirt around (make the signals that you want sex with other people).
Slapping, hitting, punching, kicking, throwing things, any and all physical violence is not good nor healthy for a relationship. You two are in dangerous waters here. You both need to sit down and draw up some ground rules of engagement when it comes to your fights.
I personally have a line chiseled in stone about no hitting/slapping. I put up with a lot of shit from a partner - a whole hella lot more than most others will do, but hitting - that is my final straw and causes me to leave as fast as my legs can carry me.
Seems to me you two put up with a bit too much from each other, and have no clear rules about what your relationship is about and where it is going and what's going to happen in it. Furthermore you (at least) appear to send mixed signals about what it is you really want and then feel justified in using manipulation to make her do what you want.
That isn't going to end well.
"I want to be an a relationship with someone without sex."
Then that isn't really a lovers relationship. Might I suggest getting a dog? Dogs a loyal, kind, and all sorts of other things and fulfill the companionship aspect without the pressures of sex being involved.
Humans tend not to do this so well.
A healthy relationship relies on sex and intimacy and affection. That is what the lovers thing is all about. If you can't give in this area, then perhaps you need to downgrade the status of your relationship with her to friendship and allow her to find another person to be her lover - a person who can and will fulfill her needs with the affection and intimacy.
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