Opinion on Coming Out

[princealbertofb]

I live in a small town where no one is really open about being gay. Sports is a really big deal in my town and I play football and basketball for our school. I only live with my father and I don't think he would be happy about the fact that I'm gay. I have a boyfriend but I don't know if you could consider him my boyfriend because I have a girlfriend and he fools around with other guys (he said he wouldn't stop until I dump my girlfriend). But he said that if I come out, he would come out too, so we could go through it together. But the stakes for me coming out is much greater than him, because he doesn't play sports. I don't understand why everyone says coming out is important. Why should everyone know I'm gay? It feels like it would just be a label on me for the rest of my life.

If you are now feeling more confident about being gay, even if you don't shout it out on the rooftops, it might be a good thing to consider breaking up with your girlfriend, who, if she can be supportive to you, will be glad that you've let her go so she can have a normal and non deceitful romantic life. Will she remain your friend, I wonder? Sometimes girlfriends can be very understanding.

Then I'd be able to concentrate on my boyfriend and make sure that he knows that there's no one else who counts as much as he does. It sounds to me as if he'll be ready to commit if you commit (which is difficult while you're using this girl as a beard).

Your dad may be a problem, you sense that the news wouldn't go down too well with him. Are you being sufficiently fair to him, and to his ability to adapt to the new son he's got?

I know sometimes parents (but maybe especially mothers) can sense that sort of thing; they know their son is gay or might be gay, even before we know it ourselves. Of course, one of the parents' reflexes is also to ignore it, or to pretend that it's not happening.

Is there someone in your entourage that you might confide in (an older cousin, an aunt, an uncle, a teacher, a grandmother, a close family friend, a member of the clergy, a family doctor, a coach, a physiotherapist, a school nurse, etc, who knows you and knows your father and would be able to advise on what time would be best to tell him?

Maybe it's time you started dropping a few subtle hints, so that your father starts a conversation. The trouble is, if he's dead against the idea of having a gay son, he might not make it very easy for you. What about your friend's family? What are his father and mother like? Could they be possible allies?

Finally, what is the evidence that your father would not cope with the idea very well. Has he said anything? Sometimes parents say things that they don't really mean, or things that they don't realise hurt us, because, precisely, they don't know that gayness is part of our reality. I've heard my father say some hurtful things and yet he's the loveliest person and the most helpful now to me and my partner. I never thought it would be this easy. My church and my mother also said hurtful things in the past, but they didn't realise the damage that was caused by not having thought it through. My mum made amends in later years. Poor thing, she had to when she realised she'd given birth to not just one, but two gay sons. Bless her!
Well, in any case, you've found us and this site, and you are always welcome to come and tell us what's on your mind and discuss details of how to solve your daily problems.

[MikeW]

... it is never okay to unwittingly use someone as a front to put up an image to those people in your life that you are straight. … Not only are these your formative years in dating and discovering yourself, it is also hers and you are taking that experience from her. That is not fair to her.

Excellent point, IB.

[reaper]

Hey man, welcome to the forum.

I'm also of the opinion that it may not be the best time for you to come out. You are very young and have time to do this when you're more comfortable doing so, and when the potential problems of coming out would be less. The fact that you are already aware of your sexuality at your age is good as well.

Their is no right or wrong way to come out. And you are right, telling everyone would probably result in "some" placing a label on you.

I'm a lot older then you, but only came out very recently. I have only told a small number of people I'm gay...mostly family. Who you tell, and when you tell them is a personal thing and your instincts will guide you.

Good luck, this is a great place. Lot's of very helpful kind people in here. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them in here. This place has been VERY helpful to me during my unfolding life journey!

[Camfer]

Hey Matt,

You're getting lots of good advice. It's very true that coming out in West Virginia in high school is a very different experience than doing it in say New York City. The fact that you can pass as straight gives you options that some guys just don't have. You could choose to be the iconoclast and come out as the first gay football player in your school, or you can count the days until you graduate, get into a college far from home, and start your real life then. It's up to you.

Now for a little fun, since you like sports watch the video on this website:

http://www.warwickrowers.org/

[Matt23]

Wow, you all are so nice. Thanks for the advice. To answer your questions: 1) I really care about my girlfriend. She's really supportive of me but I could never tell her I'm gay. I don't know how to break up with her without hurting her, which I don't want to do. Also, I know her family very well, so it's hard. 2) we don't have a gay straight alliance at my school 3) my boyfriend's parents are not much of parents. They have addiction issues so they don't really care about him honestly. Plus, his mom is crazy religious. But he has the support of his best friend's family, which is good. As for my dad, he really takes pride in me as an athlete which is why I don't think he would take it well if he finds out I'm gay. I know my boyfriend really wants to come out, but if he's out and I'm not, it would be hard for us to spend time together because people would get suspicious of me. I know I sound like a selfish asshole but I really do love him.

[Matt23]

[quote=Camfer]Hey Matt,

You're getting lots of good advice. It's very true that coming out in West Virginia in high school is a very different experience than doing it in say New York City. The fact that you can pass as straight gives you options that some guys just don't have. You could choose to be the iconoclast and come out as the first gay football player in your school, or you can count the days until you graduate, get into a college far from home, and start your real life then. It's up to you.

Now for a little fun, since you like sports watch the video on this website:



Haha!! If only all teams were like that

[Camfer]

You don't have to come out to your "girlfriend" to break up with her. You just tell her you're not ready to be in a relationship right now, but you want to remain friends.

Do you really think that leading her on is less hurtful than setting her free to find a guy that can really be with her 100%?

This sports thing sounds to me like a projection and a cop out. Let's say you weren't involved in sports. Would you then be coming out? I'm not saying there's a thing wrong with you being closeted given your age and location. But at least get some clarity and don't drag other people down with your choice. You'll feel better in the long run.

Being gay in high school, out or closeted, isn't easy. Heck, being straight in high school isn't easy either!

We're here for you.

[Camfer]

Matt23 said: Haha!! If only all teams were like that

Someday, they will be! May it be soon.

[Matt23]

Welcome to the forum [MENTION=22300]Matt23[/MENTION] .

Wow, that's an interesting situation. I don't know, really, but from what you've said and the way you've said it, I don't think you're ready to come out. It sounds to me like you don't FEEL ready to deal with whatever reality would follow doing so.

The advantage to being out is you don't have to have secrets about who you're interested in dating. On the other hand, the disadvantages are you have to deal with a lot of shitty attitudes from other people. Now, I think the vast majority of people don't really give much of a shit if someone else is gay. They may not like it but it is basically no big deal. There is, however, a percentage of people who have very strong negative feelings about it and they can cause us problems.

So… its like, we have to decide… Do I live with secrets so I can get along, at least until I'm out of high school and hopefully more on my own. Or do I "come out" and then deal with all the bullshit that comes with that? I think a person KNOWS when they're ready to do that… and I don't get that sense from you.

Hey, I couldn't reply to ur message so I'll talk to u here. I didn't delete the message, it said it was sent to the moderater for approval. I responded earlier and said the same thing and then never posted so idk. But thanks for your advice. We agreed to be each others firsts when we're both ready

[JCasey]

Let me get this straight (no pun intended)... you really care for your girlfriend, but you love your boyfriend. Your boyfriend sees other guys, but will commit to you if you dump your girlfriend and come out with him. Your girlfriend is a sweet, innocent, unsuspecting young lady who really likes you.


Regardless of sexual orientation, it is never fair to have two "lovers" where one does not know of the other. Even in Utah, they know that the man has many wives. Given your age, I would say that you likely need some time to evaluate your feelings/orientation before jumping into the fire. Unfortunately, your situation doesn't give you that option. That being said, I would say your best option would be to not come out as gay at this time. If you are not romantically attracted to your girlfriend, then let her know, and let her go. However, if you do that, DO NOT walk down the street the next day holding hands with your boyfriend. You may need to evaluate your relationship with him as well. If he cannot commit to you without you coming out, you may need to consider how that will play out in the future. Please remember that most high school romances do not end in long term relationships, so are you willing to take on the challenge of coming out to satisfy a guy you probably won't be with in 3 years? You need to evaluate whether you are straight, bi, or gay. Given your age, you may not have the experiences to make that identification. Some people are straight, some are gay, and some are Bi, identifying your orientation is not always as easy for all people. If you have been intimate with both your girlfriend and your boyfriend and enjoyed both experiences, it will take time to work it out.