Opinion on Coming Out

[Matt23]

I live in a small town where no one is really open about being gay. Sports is a really big deal in my town and I play football and basketball for our school. I only live with my father and I don't think he would be happy about the fact that I'm gay. I have a boyfriend but I don't know if you could consider him my boyfriend because I have a girlfriend and he fools around with other guys (he said he wouldn't stop until I dump my girlfriend). But he said that if I come out, he would come out too, so we could go through it together. But the stakes for me coming out is much greater than him, because he doesn't play sports. I don't understand why everyone says coming out is important. Why should everyone know I'm gay? It feels like it would just be a label on me for the rest of my life.

[TwisttheLeaf]

IMO, coming out when your young isn't really all that important, yeah?

When you're older and looking to get into a long term relationship, considering lifetime partner, or marriage, all that? THEN, yeah. It's something that can make or break the success in finding someone and keeping them.

Then again, I may not be the one to ask since I've never been in the closet to begin with.

[CellarDweller]

There is no 'set age' for coming out. One comes out when one feels comfortable enough to do so.

[MikeW]

Welcome to the forum [MENTION=22300]Matt23[/MENTION] .

Wow, that's an interesting situation. I don't know, really, but from what you've said and the way you've said it, I don't think you're ready to come out. It sounds to me like you don't FEEL ready to deal with whatever reality would follow doing so.

The advantage to being out is you don't have to have secrets about who you're interested in dating. On the other hand, the disadvantages are you have to deal with a lot of shitty attitudes from other people. Now, I think the vast majority of people don't really give much of a shit if someone else is gay. They may not like it but it is basically no big deal. There is, however, a percentage of people who have very strong negative feelings about it and they can cause us problems.

So… its like, we have to decide… Do I live with secrets so I can get along, at least until I'm out of high school and hopefully more on my own. Or do I "come out" and then deal with all the bullshit that comes with that? I think a person KNOWS when they're ready to do that… and I don't get that sense from you.

[Nanaki]

Welcome to the forum [MENTION=22300]Matt23[/MENTION] .

Wow, that's an interesting situation. I don't know, really, but from what you've said and the way you've said it, I don't think you're ready to come out. It sounds to me like you don't FEEL ready to deal with whatever reality would follow doing so.

The advantage to being out is you don't have to have secrets about who you're interested in dating. On the other hand, the disadvantages are you have to deal with a lot of shitty attitudes from other people. Now, I think the vast majority of people don't really give much of a shit if someone else is gay. They may not like it but it is basically no big deal. There is, however, a percentage of people who have very strong negative feelings about it and they can cause us problems.

So… its like, we have to decide… Do I live with secrets so I can get along, at least until I'm out of high school and hopefully more on my own. Or do I "come out" and then deal with all the bullshit that comes with that? I think a person KNOWS when they're ready to do that… and I don't get that sense from you.

This X 2. Based on what you've written, it doesn't really sound to me like you're quite ready to come out yet, either. It's perfectly okay to wait until you feel more sure and comfortable with doing so. The right time is different for all of us; some guys don't come out until they're in their 30s, 40s, or older. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck.

[Cuddly]

Coming out was the best thing I ever did. The secrets, lying and hiding weighed heavily on me and my coming out was very well received.

I was very surprised to learn that almost nobody gave a shit. My best friend, at the time, was the only one who couldn't quite handle it, but as I've learned and agree with, in retrospect I should just have given him more time to deal with it.

You're right, it's no big deal and nobody needs to know. But! I like to share my joy and I like having a special someone. I want to be with that special someone and that means friends and family need to know. Everybody else that I tell, I tell purely to show that we exist and that that's fine! If people knew that we are just normal men and women, they wouldn't be so afraid/ashamed of us, that is why I don't put a lid on it.

Should shit hit the fan, I'd prefer to be a couple of years older, though! (Than 16)

[Iceblink]

Come out when you are ready, and yes from describing where you are at, it might be too early for you. As you get older, however, you will find the limitations this puts on your life, and you are already dealing with some of the difficulties of being in the closet and trying to have relationships with other men. Being in the closet limits where you can go and be seen with the person you are with. You don't bring this person to meet your parents in the same way you would if you had a girlfriend. There is no peck on the cheek or holding his hand at a romantic anniversary dinner at your favorite restaurant like you would with a girlfriend. When you're hanging with your buddies and the conversation turns to dating, you either shut up or you make up stories. The person you to spend your life with is one of the most important and significant parts of your life and most people in this world share that experience with their friends and family. When you are in the closet, you can't do that. Most of us beam with pride of our other half. As much as you might think it is difficult to come out, living a life in the closet is also difficult. Finding longterm companionship in the gay world is not easy and it is even less successful for those in the closet. You can witness that by the endless threads by those in the closet that are seeking dating advice on gay forum sites. Even getting to the first date often seems to come with great difficulty.

Now, let's talk about something else and I am surprised someone has not already mentioned it. This girlfriend. You have portrayed yourself here as a gay man, not a bisexual man. While it is okay to come out on your own terms and at the time you choose, it is never okay to unwittingly use someone as a front to put up an image to those people in your life that you are straight. Many men have done this, but some have the excuse they are still struggling with their orientation identity and others have the weaker excuse they did not have anyone in their life to advise them against doing that. You have already identified yourself here as a gay man and you have now heard this advice, so both of those excuses have now been taken away. Not only are these your formative years in dating and discovering yourself, it is also hers and you are taking that experience from her. That is not fair to her.

[lonley]

Welcome to the forum . There is really not set time or age for coming out you will know when it is right for you and who cares who knows ! If they do not like it then you do not need them as a friend your dad will still love you no matter what it may take him so time to accept it but he should come around. I wish you the best of luck .

[IvanSalnikov]

Don't be shy, gays are just as good as any other human beings!
People should respect personal life of one another, if they not than they have lots of personal problems!

[princealbertofb]

It's interesting that you say the guy you are dating at the moment (and who isn't your committed boyfriend) has less to lose than you have and yet he doesn't have the courage to come out. He'll only come out when you're ready to come out too. What happens if he suddenly feels ready to come out, and can no longer put up with the lies and deceit that being in the closet entails? What happens if, at the point he's ready to come out, you are still having qualms about doing so too?
Your friend has more experience than you with boys, apparently, and has had time to realise that he'll never be straight. Are you still wondering whether you could be straight?
It's ok at 16 to experiment and not to go steady with anyone for very long. It's part of growing up, even if sometimes we wish we could be faithful to one person and one person alone.
As the others have said, you don't sound terribly ready to come out to the world, and yes, you're right, your sexuality is a private matter, so it shouldn't been anyone's concern except the person you're dating and having a relationship with. But ultimately, we've all realised that living the double life, suffering from the constant innuendo and pressure from family and friends finally gets very wearing, if not a source of mental confusion and depression.
The lie you live, and the semi lie you tell only tears your 'togetherness' apart and complicates your life inordinately.
The sooner you can face up to it, and the sooner you can tell your father and family, the better it'll be, but you still have to find the confidence in yourself to do so, and you must also assess all the pros and cons of telling your "dirty little secret", because once it's out, it'll be out, and even if your father or your friends and family decide to ignore the fact that you're gay, there will be no taking it back. I know you've realised that. Maybe it would be wise, depending on how supportive an environment you can have, to wait it out for a bit.
As for the sports teams, they have no reason to know what your sexual orientation is. It's got nothing to do with how well you play the games.
Is there a straight gay alliance group in your high school? Is there a LGBT support group in a nearby town or community where you could get some first hand tips and discuss the situation?
Take care, Matt.