Relationship Advice

[Tuber747]

Hello everyone! I am in desperate need of relationship advice. Before I get in to the particulars, a bit about myself- I turned 24 in November and would consider myself to be a very friendly and outgoing person. I enjoy grabbing drinks with friends and trying out new bars and restaurants. I am originally from the Midwest and graduated from college in 2013.

About three months after graduation, I moved to Washington DC to pursue various career opportunities. While interviewing in DC, I met someone around my age (22 at the time) on Grindr. His name is Chris. We instantly connected and I discovered that we had very similar interests. We started to text every day and talk on the phone regularly. A few weeks before I moved to DC, Chris came to visit me and we became exclusive. I ended up moving in with him for about 9 months before finding my own apartment. This resulted in us spending the majority of our time together. We grew very close and experienced several hardships, including a close friend's suicide, a mold-ridden apartment and several moves.

Even after living apart, we continue to spend almost every night with each other. Chris is very fond of lifting so for the past 2 months I have gone to the gym several times a week to put on muscle. I enjoy shopping and Chris has made an effort to go to the store with me more often. We both love to try new restaurants and this has become a cornerstone of our relationship. I mention all of these things because they illustrate that we both have our own interests and actively work together to make each other happy.

Despite all of the good, we have encountered a pattern of bad behavior that we can't seem to break. Chris always speaks what is on his mind. In the past, he has told me that my stomach is big (I am 6'4 and weigh 180 pounds aka I'm very lean as it is) and that I am not as attractive to him. Hearing this hurts my self-esteem and I have lashed out at him for his destructive comments. In the past, I have threatened to make him go home and even break up with him because of what he has said. His words make me feel hopeless and the despair fuels my emotions.

I have repeatedly asked Chris to stop sharing these demeaning comments but he can't help himself. At times, I am even guilty of pressuring him into telling me what he is thinking when he is quiet or removed. I have put in much effort into not getting so worked up but it is impossible for me not to get upset when this becomes a regular thing. For the past several months, Chris has even refused sex and accuses me of being too needy, even when I try to kiss him. He has explained to me that he isn't attracted to someone that yells at him.

The lack of sex in our relationship is slowly eating away at me and I often find myself wanting to download Grindr to hook up with someone. I have expressed how I feel to Chris but he said that he can't change whether or not he is attracted to me.

To summarize my post, Chris and I are in love with each other and are generally very happy. His frequent unfiltered comments often spark an emotional or frustrated response from me that in turn cause me to express my frustration. This has caused his level of attraction to depreciate even further leading to a limited sex life.

What would you suggest I do? Should I stay in the relationship because we have such a great companionship or do I leave because of the cycle we are trapped in? Are my frustrations/emotional responses warranted or should I seek professional help?

Thanks in advance!

[jimcrackcorn]

You two need to seek 'couples counseling' if you feel there's a chance this relationship can work.

Your boyfriend should be able to curb his desire to speak his mind, unless he is mentally impaired in some way.

Relationships cannot survive without both sides trying to fix the problems that arise between them. Both sides must be willing to make changes in their personal lives, to accommodate the other person in the relationship.

Normally, the love & respect you have for each other will be enough to keep the relationship from becoming a train-wreck. But,, if one or both of the parties is unable or unwilling to compromise - then it would be best to dismantle the relationship as amicably as possible and move on.

[Rareboy]

There is no healthy relationship here.

What you have is Mutually Assured Destruction interaction at this point.

Cut one another loose. Be the best frenemies and each of you get on with your life.

[Lexington]

To summarize my post, Chris and I are in love with each other and are generally very happy.

...um, no, I don't see much of that in your post, actually.

It may be that there's still love/respect/friendship at the core, but something's definitely wrong here. If he's not sexually interested in you, that's fine - go ahead and download the hook-up app. Not as brinksmanship but as "I'm still interested in having sex, and you're not interested in being the one I have sex with". And once you hook up a few times, you can decide if you want to salvage something out of this relationship.

Lex

[Maverick]

A key point I want make...

When a person really, truly "LOVES" another person, that love typically fuels the urge to "build them up", NOT "tear them down". And you've been together long enough that I'd think physical looks (and it's importance) should be diminishing, not used as a hurtful weapon. I think his demeaning comments are really a window to a deeper, underlying issues.

I'd highly suggest seeking a counselor, but I'm not sure even that can solve your relationship problems. Good luck!

[Borg69]

He sounds superficial, manipulative, demeaning, and like someone whom should be kicked to the curb.

180 lbs at 6'4" sounds reasonable to me. Even if you were 240 his words are uncalled for.

[Virge]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [MENTION=13759]Maverick[/MENTION] is right... but there's still a deeper level to it.........

In a truly solid relationship two guys usually become more protective of each others faults than they are of their own. Criticism from others really doesn't bother me much. Let someone start criticizing me in front of my guy and they better get ready for him to begin firing right back. And.... let someone say something mean about him and I huff up in .000000001 second. It's really a great feeling to have someone more protective of you than you are of yourself.

[Virge]

He sounds superficial, manipulative, demeaning, and like someone whom should be kicked to the curb.

180 lbs at 6'4" sounds reasonable to me. Even if you were 240 his words are uncalled for.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^
++++++++++++++ on ever word of that [MENTION=21075]Borg69[/MENTION] hahahaha!

I'm 6'6" and doing my best to get above 180# again... but don't call me skinny or boney in front of my guy.... hahahaha! He will go psycho.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Couples counseling, or it's time to move on.

Anything less and you're risking both of you fucking each other's heads up in a very permanent way. My opinion, of course.

[Darius]

Are you sure you know what love is?