Need your advice pls

[sconroy]

Hello everyone
I need your help.
I'm 29 years old, tall, athletic, guys say that I'm cute (sometimes even that I'm handsome).

My problem is this: I'm afraid and very shy to meet beautiful guys, so I just prefer to go to glory hole and suck on strange guys.
Sometimes I go to the gay sauna, there is no glory hole, I choose an average or even ugly guy and go suck on him, because such guys will not refuse me. When such guys start caressing or kissing me, I feel uncomfortable and my dick is not worth it. I only get an erection when I suck, and the guy just sits there and does nothing. After serving 5-6 guys, I lock myself in a booth and jerk off my dick, cum and leave.

This has been going on for more than a year. I don't want to meet guys on Grindr or Hornet, I stopped having anal sex too. I even watch porn only with glory hole or rewind where guys cum (cum excites me).

In general, please help me. I'm worried about my behavior, because I don't want to suck dicks from ugly and unpleasant guys all my life. I would like a relationship.

Thanks so much!

[Cridders88]

Welcome @sconroy

It sounds like you have some deep issues with self esteem to be honest. This is a thing you need to try and work on. Has something happened in the past to make you feel this way? Would counselling be something you'd consider? Do you have anyone around you'd be able to talk to about your insecurities? You clearly aren't feeling fulfilled from what you are doing, so I'd try and stop doing that whilst you try and work your insecurities out. It won't be easy, but you will find it difficult to find love until you love yourself better. 

In the mean time, feel free to vent here, we will always lend an ear. You're never alone

[ChadCoxRox]

It may be helpful to examine and measure HOW you "do" the fear itself. Sometimes our own assessments are biased and incomplete. If you won't confide in someone to have more objective understanding, then you might push yourself to repeatedly explore the onset of thoughts and feelings preceding and supporting the fear before, during, and after experiencing any sort of "relief." I'd even suggest recording a list by date and time of what you notice so that if it continues or remains discomforting, the measures can be very helpful if you ever do decide to seek confidential assistance with the whole process. The details from "long before" you take action and all the way through "relief" can often prove helpful sorting, identifying patterns, discovering anomolies, making small to bigger changes in the routine to test ideas and insight. Patterns are often key in telling the tale with more objective and helpful clarity.